


The Corner

by Sydney563



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015), supercorp - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Kara has no Powers, Kara needs a hug, Lena Luthor Loves Kara Danvers, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Slow Burn Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Supercorp endgame, fighting a broken heart, kara has been traveling the world for ten years, they hate each other for the past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:27:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 60,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26570644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sydney563/pseuds/Sydney563
Summary: Based off a prompt on the 10th anniversary of their breakup, kara drives to the train station where she used to pick up her ex. She visits every year to remember and forget, but this year she finds Lena. This will be slow burn, angsty and AU. No powers, just two ladies trying to find the love they lost and figure out if they still deserve it.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 144
Kudos: 621





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so i know the City Hall station in NYC isn't in use anymore, but if you google it and look at pictures, its gorgeous and a perfect setting for this story. I took a little creative license and put it back in service. I've also deviated from complete canon to cut out a few characters. The Luthors will only be mentioned, but Lena will be standing on her own with minimal mention of her family. This is an AU so things won't be super true to the Supergirl world, thats the fun part of fiction, you get to go wild.  
> We'll get deeper into Kara's back story as we move, she's kind of numb right now as she adjusts to a normal life, so be ready for some serious angst. The woman has been through it over the last ten years. 
> 
> I have the next update half way done, but this headache is making it hard to type and get deep into my angst zone.

“When are you coming home? We expected you a few days ago.”

“I had to stop over in New York. The new editor wanted to meet me and go over my notes.” I shivered, the cool fall air of New York City was a far cry from the acrid heat of Africa. “I’m flying out tomorrow night. I’ll be at your doorstep in National City just in time for a welcome back breakfast, Alex.”

“It’s been six months, Kara. Six months in war torn countries and escaping war lords. I’ve worried every damn day you’ve been gone.” Alex sighed, and I could almost picture her pacing around her apartment.

“I know. But I also know you had your buddies at the CIA tracking me, and a few pals from MI5.” I chuckled when I heard her huff. “It’s better I stop here and get acclimated to this ridiculous world of modern conveniences again. I took a forty five minute shower when I landed, used every drop of hot water in the entire hotel, and it was amazing.” I pulled my coat collar closer as I walked through the bustling streets, issuing polite smiles when I almost ran into someone. I also wasn’t used to people in mass quantities. “Can I call you later? I’m about to run into the lobby and go through security.”

“Fine. But call me later tonight.” Alex paused. “I missed you, Kara. A lot.”

I grinned. “I missed you too, Alex.” I hung up, tucking the shiny new phone into my battered messenger bag. I took a deep breath and looked up, feeling my heart drop ever so slightly as I walked down concrete steps and caught sight of the old tiles spelling out City Hall.

I’d almost missed it this year. The morbid anniversary I hid from everyone. The secret trips filled with business meeting lies, meetings with editors, or a random last minute project that always took me to New York City on this day every year, for the last ten years. I took a deep breath walking under the ancient tiles and gorgeous glass windows that poured light into the bowels of the city. I loved this station. It was old, beautiful and from a time the world forgot.

It was where we always met. Halfway between her apartment and mine. We’d always meet on Thursday nights, full of excitement to take the train one way or the other. Exploring the city in as we fell in love. Then it became almost every night for two years, our love growing with every train stop. I smiled at the memories of seeing her step off the train, looking around for me, finding me from across the platform and her face lighting up like Times Square when our eyes met. My heart always skipping a few beats when she stopped inches in front of me, whispering a soft hello. I was so in love with her, we were so in love. But like all magical things, the magic fades and the space grows, and soon I was sitting alone in my apartment on a Thursday night, crying with empty wine bottles scattered on the floor.

But this year, this year would be the last. I couldn’t keep putting myself through this year after year, hoping something in my heart would finally heal over. This would be the last time I came to City Hall Station, lingering in memories and searching for ghosts.

I stood under the skylights, staring at the way the midday sun bounced around, reflecting off the manganese glass blocks. The crowds of people milled around me, buried in phones or newspapers, doing their best to ignore each other. I stood for a moment, letting the stale air of the tunnel fill my nose. A thousand old memories poured into my heart, making it ache, adding onto the new aches and scars I’d acquired over the last six months. I clenched the strap of my bag, trying my best to not let the sadness overwhelm me.

I missed her. I missed her almost every day I woke up. She was the first one I’d ever fallen in love with, and I’d fallen hard. Young love is what everyone called it, young love that comes and goes with the wind. But it wasn’t young love. It was true love and I never forgot her. It didn’t matter I was twenty five when I met her, still a kid in the world finding my way, I loved her. She was it. She was everything I was searching for, and I let her consume me. Consume me whole.

I swallowed hard, tipping my head down as I fixed my glasses. It was time to move on. I was thirty five now, about to be thirty six and I wanted to stop spinning in an aimless direction. I wanted to find my anchor and rebuild my life. From the moment she broke my heart, I turned reckless. I cashed in a favor with James, begging him to slip my resume to an old friend of his at the New York Times and interview me for the war correspondence job. Luckily for me, no one else wanted the damn job and in two weeks, I was shoving my crap in boxes and shipping them to Midvale. I walked away from her and New York City with a duffle bag, a backpack, and a desire to feel numb. I didn’t want to feel the way my heart hurt every time it beat.

I sighed, moving to the platform as an approaching train rumbled in the distance. I did have a meeting with Cat Grant while she was in the city, doing the rounds for fashion week. She was the feisty Editor in Chief for Catco and I’d heard her name in passing when I was actually in the Times office. I never thought twice about her. She ran a fashion magazine, a far cry from exposing a government failure to protect human rights.

James had slipped her my resume two months ago after I woke up in a hospital in Berlin. He was pushing for me to take a desk job back in National City. I could go home to Alex, the rest of my friends and be a few hours away from my childhood home in Midvale. And for once in my life, home was something I craved. I missed my family and the stability it offered. The peace I needed to heal.

If I got the job at Catco, I’d be walking across the city to the Times and filing my immediate resignation. Africa had broken me, pushed me to the edge and left me wanting to stop spinning. It wasn’t just Africa. It was every inch of war torn countries I’d inhabited, doing my best to report to the rest of the world what was happening, pushing for aid and change.

I wanted nine to five, writing science and tech articles. I was done running and hiding from warlords, gunfire and sleeping with a helmet and flak jacket. I never wanted to see sand or mud again, and had seen enough spilled blood to last three lifetimes.

I swallowed hard as different memories started to surface, and craned my neck to look at the approaching train. I let out a slow breath as it squealed to a stop. I cleared my throat, chasing out the nerves and sudden wave of tears. I could already feel a long night in the future, one filled with little sleep and dark nightmares.

The train doors opened, allowing people to file out just as fast as more filed in. I smiled, letting the ones in a hurry go ahead. I took one step when I heard a voice. It was familiar, but sounded different. I furrowed my brow, straining to latch onto the voice, wondering if my memories were smashing with an overtired mind, creating phantom sounds. The voice spoke again, moving closer, forcing me to turn towards it.

I gasped, clenching the strap of my bag so tight, I swore it would’ve turned to dust if I had superpowers. She was smiling, talking on a phone, dressed like she’d slipped off the runway herself. The expensive dress hugged every curve I once knew so well. The dark blue material accentuated her pale skin, contrasting against the dark brown, almost black hair I adored when it was down, curling in waves around her shoulders. Her hair was up in a tight ponytail now, and she exuded a sense of power that made me shiver. I bit my lip, pushing down my heart, hoping I wouldn’t throw it up on the floor before me. I let out a slow, shaky breath and closed my eyes. God, she was still so beautiful.

When I opened them, I locked on bright green ones, staring at me as if I was a ghost. She dropped the phone away from her ear, her face blank but so full of emotion. Emotion only I could see in the little twitch of her eyebrow, and the slight frown on her face.

I gave her a sad smile, turning away to step onto the train. Ten years and the pain still hung deep in my heart. This was my sign. My proof I was right in letting go.

I kept my head down until I heard the doors close. I looked up to see her standing in the middle of the platform, standing stock still, staring at me. I tipped my head down, squeezing my eyes shut as the tears slipped free. I swiped them away with the back of my hand, whispering to no one. “Goodbye, Lena.”

* * *

XXXXXX

“Kara Danvers. War correspondent extraordinaire for the New York Times. Two Pulitzer Prizes, a Beckman, a Peabody and six invites to the White House Correspondents dinner.” Cat Grant peered over her glasses at me, squinting as she judged my outfit. We sat in a large office on the top floor of Catco’s east coast offices. The walls of glass left me feeling like I was flying. I was half distracted by the clouds and the strange sense of calm they offered, I almost missed Cat speaking until she gently cleared her throat, nodding for me to speak.

I tugged at the old, baggy sweater. “Yes ma’am.” I fidgeted under this woman’s gaze. I’d met warlords who scared me less than Cat Grant staring at the frayed edge of my sleeve.

“I don’t remember seeing at any White House dinner.” She set my resume down, cocking an eyebrow. “Too fancy for you?”

“No, Ms. Grant. I was usually across the continent when the invites were sent out. More often than not, I wouldn’t see until weeks after the dinner.” I shifted again, picking at the loose thread.

“James never mentioned you’d be so fidgety.” She waved a hand at me. “Why would a journalist with the credentials and awards want a job at my simple magazine?”

I shrugged. “Catco isn’t a simple magazine. It’s a modern publication that has a few million readers. I think you’ve beaten the Times once or twice in sales.” I pushed my glasses up. “I know my credentials, I know they speak volumes. I probably should be a professor over at Yale, regaling young students with stories of dodging bullets as I wrote hard hitting expose’s.” I sighed. “Truth is, I just want a desk by a window where I can write. Write about things that uplift the human spirit. I’m tired. I’m tired of blood, destruction, revealing the monsters of the world and having no one give two shits about it.” I paused, blushing as I looked wide eyed at Cat. “Um, sorry about the cursing.”

Cat smirked, waving her hand. “Don’t bother. Cursing is a sign of higher intelligence.” She lifted a thick manila packet, handing it over. “Your offer is inside. Full benefits, vacation time, sick time, 401k and your desk has the best view in National City.” She winked as I took the packet. “There’s a signing bonus inside, enough for you to buy a new sweater.”

I cradled the packet in both hands. “That’s it? That’s the interview?” I furrowed my brow, staring at the packet.

“Considering you’re one of the most regaled journalist in the country, and most of Europe, I don’t need to ask you vapid questions about if you like working in a team, do you mind working weekends and holidays when necessary.” Cat leaned back in her chair. “I’d be stupid not to hire you. I wanted to offer you the job the moment Mr. Olsen set your resume on my desk.”

I nodded, swallowing hard, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. “Thank you.”

She waved me off. “You start on Monday in the National City office. You’ll meet with Mr. Olsen and he’ll go over the different levels of our magazine. I will give you free reign for one month, find the niche you want to write and write it.”

I could only nod and pluck at my fraying sleeve. “Thank you.”

“One thank you will suffice.” Cat smirked. “All the appropriate paperwork will be filled out Monday.” She glanced at her expensive watch. “That’s all. I have another meeting in five minutes. If you’ll excuse me, Ms. Danvers.”

“Of course.” I stood, quickly grabbing my bag and shuffling backwards like an awkward fool. “Thank you again, Mrs. Grant.” I frowned when I caught the cocked eyebrow she threw my way. I waved and stumbled out of the office.

I let out a hard breath, running a hand through my hair. “God, even I embarrass myself.” I mumbled, walking towards the bank of elevators. I was thankful I was leaving in the morning and going home, well somewhere I hoped to call home. I’d only lived in Midvale and New York City before becoming a vagabond by choice. I’d never settle anywhere for more than a few weeks before I was onto the next story.

I stopped in front of the elevators, pulling out my phone to find somewhere to eat. I was starving and had a fierce craving for potstickers.

As I searched through the best restaurants in a three block radius, I heard the staccato of clicking heels off to my right. I turned slightly to catch the sight of red bottoms, smiling and shaking my head at the pure opulence. I’d never understand the draw of fancy expensive shoes where a quality pair of boots would do the same job. My eyes flickered up to shapely calves and I sighed, understanding a part of the draw. High heels made a woman’s legs pieces of art. I shook my head, shoving my phone in a pocket when the elevator dinged. It’d been far too long since I looked at woman, let alone her legs. I felt the slight blush cover my cheeks.

The doors slid open and as I took a step towards the car, I heard her voice.

“I’m here for a twelve thirty meeting with Mrs. Grant.”

My heart dropped to the floor. It couldn’t be. Why would it be? Kismet was an idea I didn’t believe in, but twice in a day?

I swallowed hard, turning to catch Lena standing at the front desk, ramrod straight and held up by those red bottomed shoes. I looked away as quickly as I could, rushing to the elevator as the doors closed, dropping my bag in the process.

“Shit.” I hissed the word out, sticking my leg in the doors to stop them as I scrambled for my bag. _Please don’t see me, please don’t see me._

I grabbed the strap, yanking the old bag up, stumbling back into the elevator car as I heard the click clack of the fancy heels coming my way. “Shit. Shit. Shit.” I closed my eyes, clutching the bag to my chest as my heart forced it’s way up my throat.

As the doors dinged closed, I opened my eyes. She was standing right in front of me, her big green eyes staring in mine. Bright with a thousand questions as she furrowed her brows.

“Kara?” Her voice held the slightest tremble. I took a breath, her perfume invading the small elevator car and filling my nose, and stopping my heart cold.

I swallowed hard, frozen in my spot, staring back at the only woman I’ve loved with my entire soul for the last ten years, and let the doors close on her without saying a God damned thing.

* * *

XXXXX

**National City – the next day**

“Thanks for picking up the keys, Alex.”

“No problem. I shoved them under the welcome mat. I’m sorry I couldn’t meet you there, I had a last minute operation.” Alex huffed.

“The trials and tribulations of an FBI special agent.” I grinned as I walked out of the elevator of my new apartment building. “Come over when you’re done. You can help me unpack.”

“Oh hell no. I lugged all that crap up there last weekend with mom. I’m not unpacking your underwear, Kara. No matter how much I love and miss you.”

“Fine. You can come over, sit and watch me unpack as long as you bring pizza.” I stopped in front of my door, crouching down to lift the corner of the welcome mat, smiling as I saw the single silver key looped around a unicorn keychain. I stood up, slipping the key in the lock and pushing the door open.

“Deal. I’ll call you when I’m on my way. I love you, sis.”

“Love you too, sis.” I hung up, dropping my bag by the door. I grinned at the loft. It was exactly like the pictures I saw during my two day layover in Berlin. Large floor to ceiling windows that poured sunlight into every corner. The loft had that industrial feel, exposed brick and steel dotting along the walls with warm neutral colors. It wasn’t huge, but it was big enough for me. I walked around, grinning at the brand new bed hidden behind a curtain. I could spot Eliza’s handiwork a mile away. She’d made the bed, flowery soft bedsheets, thick blankets and pillows that looked like slices of heaven. I sat on the edge, sighing as I looked at the stacks of boxes. Each one meticulously labeled in her and Alex’s handwriting. Everything I’d sent home over the last few weeks, and everything I’d abandoned ten years ago stacked around me. Ready to be unpacked and find it’s place in the world, much like me.

I sucked in a slow breath, peeling off the old ragged sweater I threw on this morning. National City was warmer than New York City and I welcomed the warmth and bright sun. Maybe the combo would chase away the weird feeling still lingering in my heart from yesterday.

I dreamt of her last night, like I knew I would. It didn’t take much for my mind to spark up long buried memories. I don’t remember what the dream was, only waking up crying and my heart pounding like I’d just run a marathon.

I tossed the sweater across the room and laid down, covering my face with my hands. It was all a sign. A sign to let go and start new. I had a new job, a new apartment, a new city to live in and I could let go of the past. I would let go of the past. I had to let go of the past. No matter how much I loved her, and only her, it was time. Yesterday was proof. Fate was showing it’s hand. She’d changed so much from the woman I fell in love with. The woman who favored baggy sweaters and comfy jeans with ratty sneakers, to the tailored expensive dresses and red bottomed shoes. Even if I didn’t chicken out and spoke to her instead of letting the doors close, we’d probably have nothing in common. Me standing there in the clothes I shoved into a dirty duffle bag, worn sweaters and tired boots that had seen every inch of this world. We were very different now.

I sighed, curling up into a ball on the bed. But she still wore the perfume I bought for her on our first anniversary.

* * *

XXXXX

“Winn, people are staring.” I patted his shoulders as he squeezed the life out of me.

He leaned back, blinking back tears. “I don’t care. I haven’t seen my best friend in over three years, never telling me that she was retiring from her super dangerous job only to get a new job in the same office I work at.” He grinned, hugging me again. “I’m going to hug the shit out of you, who cares what HR says.”

I sighed, gently pushing him back as the entire office stared at us and whispered. “Winn. Please.” I stepped out of his arms. “I don’t need office gossip on my first day.” I looked at my best friend, noticing the little changes in his face. The little strands of grey in his hair and the muscle he gained. I frowned, before clearing my throat and smiling again. I’d missed a lot over the last few years and suddenly felt out of place.

Winn chuckled, slugging my shoulder. “They’re whispering because you’re Kara Danvers. Award winning journalist.” He shook his head. “I can’t believe you’re home, Kara.”

“Neither can I.” I clutched the strap on my bag. “Um, where’s my desk?” I began to grow nervous under the stares of the entire office.

Winn grabbed my elbow, guiding me down the hall. “Your office is this way.” He walked me to a decent sized office with windows facing out onto the city. I glanced at the door, my name on a placard next to it. _Kara Danvers Lead Investigative Journalist_

“Mrs. Grant doesn’t play around.” I whispered as I walked in, taking in the large desk and fancy computer on it.

“She doesn’t. But don’t worry, this was an empty office. You didn’t kick anyone out and the team knew someone was starting on Monday.” Winn grinned again. “My best friend, back with the crew. It’s been what? Ten years since you moved to New York City to finish your masters?”

I nodded, walking around the desk, running my fingers over the smooth glass top. “Almost twelve.” I glanced at him. “I finished the degree remotely.”

His smile fell. “I remember.” He paused. “You could’ve come home, after the…you know.” He shrugged. “Your family and friends were still here, she wasn’t everything.” His tone had a bite to it. I didn’t blame him. I never bothered to explain what happened. I just packed up and was on the next flight out to Thailand, leaving everyone in the dark.

I clenched my jaw, turning away from him. “She was a lot, Winn.” I crossed my arms, squinting out onto the city skyline in front of me. “That was the past. I’m here to start a future.”

I heard him sigh behind me. “If you ever want to talk, Kara.”

“I’ll bring the beer and cupcakes.” I looked over my shoulder smiling at him.

He chuckled, shaking his head as he pointed to the computer. “If you need help with that, I’m down the hall. I can get you right as rain in a second.” He opened the laptop, clicking it on. “I’ve set up your email and arranged your appointments for the next month. James is out on assignment in Vancouver. Some sort of telecommunications seminar Mrs. Grant wanted him at. Word is he might be promoted if this merger goes well.”

“Merger?”

Winn nodded, shaking the National City snow globe sitting next to a cup full of Cacto pens. “It’s still top secret, but a tech company has been in talks with Catco to merge and expand both companies. Something about cornering the market as the world becomes consumed by apps and smartphones.” Winn held the globe up to the windows, the sunlight reflecting off the fake plastic snowflakes. “I heard the CEO is a real stone cold ball buster. She could put Mrs. Grant to shame.” He set the globe down. “No one knows who the company is and won’t until the merger is successful.”

“Why don’t you just hack the email server and sneak a peek?” I cocked an eyebrow and smirked.

Winn winked at me. “Tried that two weeks ago, but the encryption is well beyond my scope. Whoever their IT guy is, he’s a genius I’d love to meet him.” He glanced at his watch. “I’ll let you get to it, Kara. I need to meet the interns for orientation and give my presentation on internet protocol and safety. Real exciting stuff.”

I smiled, watching him half skip out of my office. I let out another breath, tugging on the new sweater I bought yesterday, and sat down at my desk to read the fifty emails already sitting in my inbox.

Ten emails in, I grew bored reading the rules and policies of Catco along with the random welcome to the team emails. I sat back, looking around the office, figuring out where to put my souvenirs. I should at least try to make this office mine, I had no intentions of going anywhere and I had two boxes full of oddities that would look better here than in a box on my floor.

I smiled, this was it. This was home. This was my office, my desk and my name on the door. No more running through jungles and deserts, writing notes on scraps of paper or sitting on roofs trying to snag any Wi-Fi signal I could. This was it. I was setting up roots. I could do this, I could start over and find my permanence here.

A wave of calm washed over me, chasing away the last few nerves I’d felt walking into the building this morning. Alex had laughed at me last night overtake out, commenting how I looked like a kid getting ready for the first day of school. “Kara, relax. You’re a prestigious journalist, one of the best in the country. People will be nervous to be in the same room as you, so relax. Own this.”

“Own this.” I nodded to the empty room and turned back to the emails, clicking open last week’s editorial meeting notes. My meeting with the editorial staff was later in the day, there I’d be shown the ropes and given my first assignment.

“Excuse me, Ms. Danvers?” A young blonde woman appeared at my door, nervous smile plastered on her face.

“Yeah, hi!” I stood up, wiping my hands on the brand new slacks. The feel of new crisp fabric helped me focus. It’d been a long time since I had any new clothes and the feel of stiff fabric centered me. “Welcome.” I blushed, tipping my head down to adjust my glasses.

“Welcome to Catco. I’m Eve, Mrs. Grant’s assistant. She sent me here with a message.” She held out a small piece of paper. “She has asked you make your way to this address and do an interview. It’s for an article on a up and coming biotech company opening a new branch in National City.”

I took the piece of paper, biting my bottom lip as I read the address. “Okay, um. Shouldn’t this go to the editorial staff? They assign the interviews and stories, right? I don’t want to step on any toes.”

Eve smiled. “Everyone has their assignments, you were the only free agent when this last minute schedule change occurred. Mrs. Grant was going to do the interview in person, but bad weather has her stuck on the east coast.” She nodded towards the paper. “You should leave know, the interview is due to start in twenty minutes.”

I nodded. “Yes, of course.” I grabbed my bag and a few Catco pens. “I can get there by taxi?”

Eve chuckled. “You can walk. The address is a coffee shop three blocks away. The Last Drop is very private and very quiet. Mrs. Grant usually does her most important interviews there.”

“Okay.” I stuffed the paper into my bag and rushed towards the elevators, thanking Eve as I slipped my bag over my head.

It took me fifteen minutes to walk to the coffee shop. I let out a shaky breath as I was shown to a table in the back. The staff was very familiar with Cat, welcoming me to the team as they handed me a menu with a glass of water.

I quickly ordered a mocha latte with extra mocha, before setting up my notebook and testing the pens. I shook my head as I laughed at my nerves. This was just another interview, nothing I hadn’t done before. I’d ask the few questions about the topics Eve sent to my phone as I walked over. I’d then craft the answers into a decent article about this biotech company and their mission, their goals in National City and the number of jobs they’d be providing the citizens. Simple, easy, I could do it in my sleep.

I glanced at my watch as the waiter dropped off my giant mocha. I still had five more minutes. I wrapped my hands around the mug, sighing as the warmth chased away the last few threads of nerves. Taking a sip, I closed my eyes at the rich chocolate taste. It’d been a long time since I had anything rich and decadent.

“Kismet.”

I opened my eyes, startled by someone interrupting my daydream of chocolate and coffee. Lena stood in front of me, dressed in a grey suit and those heels, her hair pulled back into a professional ponytail. I swallowed hard, clutching the mug so hard, the heat began to sting my palm.

Shit.

Kismet was right. And kismet was a bastard.

* * *

XXXX

An awkward silence hovered around us until she pulled out a chair and sat down. “When Cat told me she was sending someone in her place, I never in a million years expected this. Especially after the last time our paths happened to cross.”

“I, uh.” I set the mug down, turning to my bag to catch my breath for a moment. “Mrs. Grant is stuck on the east coast.”

“I know. She called me an hour ago, told me she was sending her best to interview me.” She looked me over with those big green eyes that once held my entire world. “It’s been a minute, Kara.”

I clenched my jaw, reaching for my notepad. “We should get started.” I flipped a page. “What’s the name of the biotech company? It wasn’t included in the notes from Mrs. Grant.”

Lena dug into her purse, setting a thin manila envelope on the table between us. “Cridhe Tech. All of the standard details are in the press packet.” She glanced at my coffee. “Still drinking a little coffee with your sugar?” She smiled.

I frowned. “It’s the first coffee I’ve had in a month.” I bit my bottom lip, fighting the shakes that wanted to rattle up from my feet to my hands. God, she was still beautiful, even more after ten years. She was nothing but sharp angles and curves, aging like a fine scotch. “Cridhe Tech? I thought you were destined for the family business? Lex Corp and Luthor Industries.” I pushed my glasses up, hating the way her perfume swarmed me. Her family was the main reason why our relationship went to shit. I was never good enough for her mother, never proper enough, and in the end, I wasn’t enough for Lena. It didn’t matter how much I loved her, I couldn’t stack up to a rich family and their ridiculous expectations of their daughter.

“There was a falling out. I ventured out on my own after New York.” Lena paused, her jaw twitching as she looked at the baristas chatting by the espresso machines. “I wanted to do more than world domination and weapons development. Cridhe Tech is a future forward company. Focused on affordable medical advancements as well as environmentally sound processes.” She nodded at the packet. “Our latest project is in there. I’ll be announcing it through your article and after the merger.”

My head shot up. “Merger? Catco?” Shit. Shit. Shit.

Lena nodded, humming a little. “It’s all explained in the packet. This interview is to put a human touch to Cridhe Tech. National City is a new start for the company and for me. Catco is a mutually beneficial merger financially, and it will give Cridhe Tech the appropriate exposure to show the world change is possible.” She paused. “How have you been, Kara? Last I heard, you were in Afghanistan, embedded with British Special Forces.” The air turned tense, thick.

“That was a year ago, Lena.” I flinched at the way her name rolled off my tongue.

“I know.” She half whispered the word, looking down at her hands. “Kara, I know I’m the last person you expected to see.”

I held up my hand. “Don’t. I’m not going to do this. It’s been ten years, Lena. Ten years.” I scooped up my notepad and the packet, my heart pounding as I was on the verge of breaking apart in front of her. “If I have any other questions, I’ll contact your office.” I stood up, grabbing my bag, half debating quitting this new job and moving back to Midvale. I could take over the Midvale Gazette and spend my days writing hard hitting exposes about the cherry festival.

I went to brush past her when a slim hand grabbed my forearm, stopping me. I glanced at Lena, staring up at me. Gone was the powerful woman I’d seen in the New York office and just now. It was my Lena. The Lena who always stole my sweatshirts and stole my pillow, because it was softer than hers.

“Kara. I know I don’t have a leg to stand on. But.” She paused, swallowing hard. “I have so much to tell you, so much to apologize for.” She tipped her head down. “It wasn’t your fault.”

I rolled my eyes, gently pulling my arm free. “I distinctly remember you yelling at me, it was all my fault. And maybe I carried that with me for five or so years, thinking it was my fault. I loved…” I shook my head. “No, I can’t do this.” I stepped away, hating the way she made my heartbeat even after all these years. “I’ll make sure to write a fair article, Lena. So, don’t worry. Our past won’t affect your future.” I smiled tightly, fixing my glasses as I turned to walk away, when I heard.

“It always you, Kara. It was only ever you.”

I gasped as my heart clenched in my chest, her words barely above a whisper. My heart begged for me to stop, turn and run to her, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I never forgot the pain of that night she broke my heart, a pain I carried for years. And no matter how much I loved her, or still might love her, I couldn’t. I had to let go.

I walked out of the coffee shop without looking back.

By the time I made it back to my apartment, I barely closed the door before I fell back against it, sliding to the floor as I began to cry, sobbing out the last ten years.

I was still very much in love with Lena Luthor.

Fucking kismet.


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We continue on. Kara's backstory will be revealed in pieces. There's only been one person she's ever been completely open with, and it's going to take time to get her comfortable. Read on and enjoy! I will be working on this slowly as i work on a few other things and tie up without fear. So be patient! and yes this is a multichapter.....

Hitting send on the email with my attached article to the editorial staff, I sat back, turning to look out the window. I’d spent the rest of the afternoon reading through the packet and forcing myself to write the article about Lena’s company.

Forcing was an understatement. For a solid hour, I stared at the packet sitting on the floor while I paced, stress ate most of the snacks I bought yesterday, and debated handing this off to someone else. After the third bag of peanut m&m’s, I sat down and tore open the packet. It was a full press release but catered to Catco. I read over the background and mission statement of Cridhe Tech. What Lena had been doing for the last five years since she formed the company.

And with every word I read, I felt my heart melting. Her company was a far cry from the world eating ones her brother and mother ran. She wanted to save the world. Her biomedical tech would change millions of lives, the environmental tech would alter the course of the planet’s eventual demise. Every dollar she made, she turned two back into charities and helping communities. She had built hospitals in Metropolis, community colleges in Gotham, and was working on building affordable housing In National City when the new branch of Cridhe Tech settled in.

She was creating thousands of job, saving lives and giving the world a chance where there wasn’t one. Lena was incredible and finally had the ability to showcase the things I already knew about her. The huge heart, the selflessness, and the passion to do her part in saving the world.

It wasn’t hard to write a glowing article about her and her company. It took less than twenty minutes, with spellcheck.

Ten years ago, we fought over her joining the family business. She was being forced into it by her mother, and I didn’t fit into that plan. I didn’t fit the image of a Luthor. I was too good, too simple, and too plain. Never mind she bailed on the plans we had made. Traveling the world for the first year after graduation, then settling wherever felt like home. I’d write for the local paper, maybe work on a novel. She’d spend her days tinkering away on all the projects she dreamt about as a kid, and maybe become a professor of engineering. It was all loose plans, no direction and we both loved it. The only thing that matter was we’d be together, in love and looking forward the future.

I swallowed hard, turning away from the window, staring at the old tea tin on the bookshelf. I knew the ring would still be there, shoved in the bottom wrapped around an old piece of wax paper. The tin was dented, dirty, rusty at the corners. It was the only thing I took with me around the world. I filled it with other odd bits and bobs I picked up along the way and wanted to save. I knew I should’ve left the ring in a box with Eliza. But I was scared. Scared I’d lose it and scared someone would find it and ask a million questions I wasn’t ready to answer.

I tipped my head down, staring at the hole in the old jeans I slipped on. No one knew how deeply I loved Lena. Not even Alex. I was always terrified she’d talk me out of it. She wasn’t the biggest fan of Lena’s, calling her the rich girl when I first brought her up. Alex felt we didn’t fit. We were two different worlds, trying to fit together.

But I saw the other side of Lena. The shy girl who was always nervous in public. The girl who loved cuddles, rainy days, my sweatshirts and getting lost in bookstores for hours. The girl who professed her love for me with a box of doughnuts and nervous tears running down her cheeks.

I sighed, shaking my head. That was a lifetime ago. That Lena was gone, replaced by a cold, driven business woman who stood tall, full of confidence and power. I wouldn’t understand who she was now, and I doubt she could handle the fragile box of broken shards I was now.

Standing up, I stretched, walking towards the tin. I had the sudden urge to take the ring to the local pawn shop and sell it for a few bucks. Today was a sign of letting go, and if I was going to do this, I had to go full bore.

My phone rang when I was three steps away from the tin, Alex’s name stared up at me. “Hey, sis.” I cleared my throat, desperate to shake out the lingering tears.

“I’m about to walk up to your door. Winn told me you went home after your first interview of the day. Still not used to a desk and working laptop?”

I smiled. “I prefer sitting on the floor with a five year old laptop, hunched over, waiting for the next air raid to hit.” I ran a hand through my hair, tugging on the ends as a bad memory threatened to slip out. “What’s up?”

“I have food.” Three knocks fell at my door as she uttered the last syllable.

I skipped to the door in bare feet, grinning as I opened the door. “Please tell me it’s pizza.”

Alex held up the two pizza boxes. “Meat lover’s supreme and Hawaiian surprise.” She grinned, stepping inside the apartment. “I have a few hours to spare and wanted to check up on your first day as Lead Investigative Journalist.”

Kissing her cheek, I hopped to grab plates. “It was overwhelming. Everything is clean, shiny and quiet.” I handed her a plate, sighing as the smells hit my nose. “I have free reign. No deadlines, no reporting to irritating editors for a month. I just sent off my first article for approval.”

Alex raised an eyebrow as she spotted the packet on the floor. “Oh? Is it a hard hitting expose on National City’s rising crime? Or a puff piece on whatever hot fall fashion trend?” She nodded at the packet with her chin. “Cridhe Tech?” She stepped away from the table. “I heard about them moving to National City. Super secretive biotech company, their CEO is a ghost at the table.” She lifted the cover sheet. “Their tech is being scouted by a ton of government agencies, including the FBI.” She paused at the paragraph where Lena was revealed and introduced as the CEO and creator of Cridhe Tech. “Fuck me sideways with a cactus.” She angrily flipped a few pages. “Please don’t tell me you had to see her in person?”

“Alex.” I sighed, shoving a piece of pizza in my mouth.

She looked at me, her eyes full of that all too familiar sisterly rage. “What the fuck? Why didn’t you say something to Cat Grant? Bail on the interview? She doesn’t owe you, and with your resume, you could work anywhere!” Alex flailed her hand around, crinkling the paper.

I shrugged. “It’s no big deal.” I fixed my glasses, staring at a chunk of pineapple.

“Oh it’s a big deal. A big fucking deal. That girl ruined your life! She chased you out of New York and I lost my sister for ten years. She broke your heart, shattered it and scattered like you were dust in the wind.” Alex huffed, grabbing more pages. “The audacity of that rich spoiled brat.”

I kept my head down, trying to keep my heart steady. “I’ve dealt with worse. It was a five minute interview. It wasn’t even a interview, the packet covered everything I needed to ask.”

“Dealt with worse?” Alex shook her head. “Lena Luthor broke you to a level I’d never seen you. I should run a background on her, find out where she’s at in National City and have her pulled over for whatever civil infraction I can shove in her fancy car.”

I snapped. “I don’t know, maybe being blown to shit in a small village in Syria was worse. Or there was the time I was stabbed in the back twice in the congo, or maybe it was the plane crash over the Ukraine and I was one of two survivors. I think any of those is far worse than dealing with my ex from ten years ago! I’ve let go of her and the past!” I paused, not realizing I was yelling at my sister. I breathed out. “I’m sorry. This.” I waved my hand around the clean apartment and quiet. “Is still very new to me.” I bit the inside of my cheek, biting back the urge to scream I was still in love with Lena and seeing her for the first time in ten years, and seeing how beautiful she still was, had my heart on the verge of collapse. I wanted to scream out everything I held back for ten years and cry until I couldn’t feel my face. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to scare my sister. I’d only seen her a handful of times over the last ten years, and even though she was a FBI agent, I wasn’t sure she could stomach what I’d been through. I didn’t even know how I stomached it.

Alex stood still for a moment before nodding, setting the wrinkled papers back on the floor. “Kara.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine. Everything is fine.” I reached for another slice, ready to eat myself into a dreamless grease coma.

Before I could shove the pizza in my mouth, Alex was wrapping me up in her arms. “I love you, so much. I missed you and I’m sorry about losing it. I’ve always blamed her for pushing you to run. I blame her for every sleepless night I had when you were hurt.” She squeezed me harder. “I know how much you loved her.”

I squeezed Alex back, letting the tears slip out. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I came here to move on, find the future I ignored for so long. Who cares if she’s moving here, it’s a big city. Plus, I don’t run in the American Express black card circles. I won’t see her slumming it at the corner deli or the bakeries. Outside of this article, I’ll probably never see her again.” If I could only be so lucky.

Alex chuckled in my arms, kissing the side of my head as she stepped back. “She doesn’t know what she’s missing out on. Tony’s three dollar meatball subs are the best.” She grabbed my hand, taking a breath. “I’m here, Kara. If you ever want to talk about the other stuff, I’m here.” She looked at me, worried.

“I will, in time. Not right now.” I patted her hand, moving past her to grab the pizza. “I need to get adjusted to the world again.” I wanted to talk. I wanted to sit and pour out every horrible thing I’d seen, the atrocities, and the pain I’d seen and suffered. But it wasn’t time. I was barely holding it together, more so after running into Lena. Any heavy breeze could knock me to the ground and send me shattering into pieces. “So, tell me all about Kelly, the cute therapist you’re dating.”

* * *

xXXxx

Five Days later –

Slipping into a routine was easy, especially when you were doing your best to acclimate to a new life. The routine was necessary to chasing out the lingering edges I carried with me. I’d wake up at six every morning, sit in bed for fifteen minutes listening to the city sounds outside, teaching my mind not to flinch and hide when I heard sirens. I’d then get up, shower with the water as hot as I could stand it, then get dressed. Each day I’d wear something new, something crisp. Then I’d walk to the office, stopping at the coffee shop right outside the building. I’d order a different hot drink each morning, with a cinnamon roll and then go up to my office. I was getting used to the convenience of having hot coffee and hot food on a whim. It felt indulgent, but it helped ease my ever present nerves. I’d begun to tell Alex bits and pieces of what I’d been through, knowing I had to tell someone. But I’d stop when I saw the look on her face, the tears welling up, and I’d switch to a silly story about being chased by monkeys in Thailand. I swallowed down the rest of the bad days, the bloody days, and the weird numb feeling I’d been carrying. The last person I truly bared my soul to was Lena, and well, she wasn’t a phone call away. I had to find someone else to let in the dark corners of my life, the ones I’d buried with happy smiles and an easy going demeanor. 

After getting whatever sugary coffee for the day, I’d head into the office. I’d sit at my giant desk, a giant clean desk, and check emails before diving into more research for the article on National City becoming the new Silicon Valley. I’d smile at passing coworkers and work through the day until lunch. Lunch was always spent with Winn, talking about the old days and listen to the silly office gossip he was desperate to share with me. Today was no different. Winn was finishing up telling me about how he caught an intern downloading pirated movies at work. I smiled, nodding as I picked at my club sandwich.

“Oh, I almost forgot.” He dug in his bag, handing me the latest issue of Catco. “It hits the newsstands tomorrow, but I smuggled a copy.” He tapped the cover as I took it. “Your first cover story!”

I shook my head with a chuckle. “Winn, I’ve had at least a hundred cover stories. Front headlines and all that. I don’t mean to brag.” I blushed as I looked over the cover, swallowing hard. Lena stood tall on it, arms crossed as she wore a dark blue and grey pinstripe power suit. Her hair was down around her shoulders and she had a small smile on her face. She was stunning, gorgeous and took my breath away.

“I know. But this is your first Catco cover.” He reached over, tapping the right edge where my name was. “Cridhe Tech. The light National City needs. By Kara Danvers – Lead Investigative Journalist.” He couldn’t stop grinning and then caught the look in my eyes. “Oh shit. I’m sorry. I should’ve gotten you the print mockup with just the lettering.”

I set the magazine on the table face down. “It’s fine. I knew what I was getting into the moment I started interviewing Lena.” I looked up at Winn, patting his hand. “To look towards the future, sometimes you have to glance at the past.” I pointed at him. “And don’t ask what the interview was like. It was five minutes and she left to go to the next corporate takeover. Very professional.”

“You’ve become very wise over the years, Kara.” He stole a fry, leaning back in his chair. “But if you ever want to get drunk and smash stuff, I know a guy works nights at the old junkyard.” He paused, looking at me. “I know you’ve been through a lot, and I want to understand. I want to be there for you. I kind of screwed up being a good friend after anything, and I’m here for you.”

I laughed, picking up my sandwich. “I might take you up on that offer to smash things.” I glanced at him. “So, tell me about the military lawyer James is dating.” I did my best to divert the conversation away from me. I knew everyone saw how different I was, how closed up I could be at times and how I never, ever discussed the events that led me to a hospital in Berlin or the many scars I carried physically and mentally. I just slapped on a happy smile and moved through as if I was totally fine, when I wasn’t and the added pressure of everyone tip toeing around me and Lena being thrust back into the spotlight, needless to say it was making things difficult.

I spent the rest of lunch listening to Winn ramble, trying my best not to look at the magazine sitting face down next to my elbow.

* * *

XXXX

“Ms. Danvers? You had a delivery while you were out on lunch. I set it on your desk.”

“Thank you, Eve.” I smiled as the woman rushed past me, running to another task set upon her by Cat. I walked around the corner and immediately spotted the large bouquet of flowers sitting in the middle of my desk. It was a beautiful mix of wildflowers and white lilies. Tossing my bag in the chair, I ran my hand over the fragrant buds, breathing in their scent with a smile. There was a large card attached to the vase. I pulled it off and tore it open, clueless as to who would send me flowers. Alex knew I preferred cookie bouquets, Winn would never send me flowers again after one awkward moment, and the last suitor I had was over three years ago, and that was nothing more than a three night stand.

Pulling out the thick velvety card, I froze as I read the neat print.

_Cridhe Tech would like to cordially invite you to their Welcome to National City Gala._

Underneath the dress requirements and time and date, was a small handwritten note. It was Lena’s handwriting, I could spot that angular quick script if I was blind.

Kara,

_I’d be honored if you came. I apologize for the awkwardness at the interview, I was just caught off guard. I’d like to catch up._

_Thank you for the beautiful article, you always saw the best in me when others didn’t._

_-Lena_

I tossed the card to the desk, staring at the flowers. I had the intense desire to throw them in the trash, or throw them off the roof of the building. But I did neither. I picked up the vase and set them on the ledge behind my desk where they would get best light.

I sat in my chair, my hands clasped in my lap, squeezing them to chase out the shakes that wanted to consume them. What the hell was happening? Why was Lena extending a branch where there never was one? Why after ten years, right when I’m ready to let go, is she making an effort? Maybe this was closure begging for me to take it by the hand and lead it to water. Maybe I should talk to her, pour my heart out and lay it all on the table. The hurt I carried for years and then I could walk away.

Or I could ignore her.

I reached for the invite, ready to toss it in the trash when an email blinked across my phone.

_I heard you were invited to the Cridhe Tech gala. This is a perfect follow up. The merger between Catco and Cridhe Tech will be announced that night. My stylist will be in touch. Formal dress doesn’t mean slacks and button downs. I need my best journalist to shine that night._

_Cat_

_P.s. Excellent first cover story. Your wrote about Ms. Luthor in a way that almost made her feel attainable, human. A far cry from her family legacy._

I fired off a civil response, stood up, grabbed the flowers and walked out to the front desk. I handed them to receptionist, telling her to enjoy, before I messaged Alex and asked her to meet me at the all you can eat buffet.

I needed to stress eat before I quit my brand new job.

“Whatever game you’re playing, kismet, now would be a perfect time to knock it off before I lose my shit.” I mumbled under my breath as I headed back to my office for my bag and to let Eve know I was stepping out for a lead.

Whatever was going on, I had to figure what the world was trying to tell me before I broke apart and gave in and gave up.

I didn’t survive ten years of hell to fall to my demise over a beautiful woman and my unrequited love for her.


	3. chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things happen, Kara wears a dress and we learn a little more about Lena. The weather has shifted, and that means perfect weather for writing! Read on and enjoy, the next update might take a minute, i have to work on a few other things.

“Ms. Danvers? Your items have arrived. I set them in your office.” Eve smiled as she hustled past me.

“Ok? Thank you?” I barely got the words out before she disappeared around the corner. “Items. Please don’t tell me it’s flowers.” I gripped the brown paper bag with my lunch tighter. I’d skipped my daily lunch with Winn to run to the library for research materials and just hide in the massive aisles of old books. I wasn’t used to technology and having everything at my fingertips. I liked slowly walking through rows and rows of books, little piece of paper in my hand with numbers scribbled on it. I liked sitting at a scarred wooden table and flip through pages, feeling the rough edges of paper on my fingertips.

I also wanted to escape the office buzz about Lena’s cover story and the media blitz the reveal of her as CEO was causing. I was receiving phone calls asking for tidbits, or blurbs from other magazines. Half of the floor I was on had stopped by my office, congratulating me. And everywhere I turned, it was Lena, Lena, Lena.

This morning after the sixth congratulation and seeing the numbers of it being the second top selling issue, I rushed out, shooting Eve an email I was on another research trip. I felt smothered until I entered the city library, finally taking a huge breath as I was two seconds away from falling apart.

I glanced at my palm as I pushed my office door open, I still had half moon marks in the skin from clenching my fists so tight, I almost drew blood.

One step in my office and I spotted the two matte black garment bags hanging over two black shoe boxes on the coat rack I never used. “Shit.” I completely forgot I had the meeting with Cat’s stylist. But, I would have to thank Eve for taking my do not disturb request seriously. I had no emails, texts, or missed phone calls aside from two missed calls from Alex. I tossed my bag to the floor and set my lunch on the corner of the desk before moving to the garment bags. A simple note was stuck to the first one.

_I knew you’d evade trying on dresses. I’ve done the work for you. Just pick the color. I’m partial to the blue. Cat_

I huffed, tossing the note into the garbage can before unzipping the first bag to reveal a pale lavender dress. I squinted before unzipping the second. A dark blue strapless gown stared back at me. The top had sharp angles that lead into soft curves around the waist and hips. It was elegant, subtle and probably a perfect fit. I loved it immediately, even if it would show more skin than I was currently comfortable with. At least it was a darker color, I wouldn’t stand out and could hide in the shadows of this stupid gala.

I zipped the bag up and turned to my desk, ready to devour the corned beef sandwich. Sitting down, I opened my laptop to fire off a thank you email to Cat. She might be a ball buster, but for whatever reason she was cutting me considerable slack. I was pretty sure no one else in this entire building had dresses hand picked and delivered to their office.

Then again, I was somewhat being forced into this horrid gala where my ex was the host and guest of honor.

I grabbed my phone and dialed Alex. She answered one ring in. “Please tell your assistant I’m authorized to contact you any damn time I want to. She wouldn’t let me past the lobby when I stopped by two hours ago. Said you were occupied with research.”

“I was at the library. You know there’s no signal in that place and that’s why I like it. Plus, I know you could hack into my phone, lock onto the GPS and find me in a second.” I unwrapped my sandwich, my stomach growling at the sight. “I need help.” I rushed the words out.

“I can have a tac team at your door in thirty seconds, who do I have to fuck up? Winn? Did he hit on you again? Or that gross security guard who always licks his lips when he sees you?” Alex growled the words out.

I chuckled. “No tac team necessary. I um, need help getting dressed.” I picked at the corner of my sandwich.

“Dressed? I think at thirty five you should’ve mastered the art of putting pants on.”

“Alex.” I rolled my eyes, feeling my heart drop at the mention of my age. Where the hell did time go? It literally felt like I blinked and ten years disappeared like I was changing the channel. “I know how to put pants on and tie my shoes. That was the only good thing you ever taught me.”

“Well, you did come to the Danvers family a few years late.” She chuckled. “So, what kind of dressing do you need help with?”

“A dress. I have this gala Cat is making me go to for work. It’s formal dress and it’s been a lifetime since I last wore a dress and did the whole hair and makeup thing.” I rubbed at my temples. “Right before I left Berlin, I hadn’t worn clean clothes in over three weeks, let alone comb my hair and wear heels.”

There was a heavy pause before Alex spoke. “You know you don’t have to go. Cat might be your boss, but you can literally take a job anywhere in this world. You don’t need Catco.”

I shrugged. “I know. But I’ve never quit anything.” I winced as the words fell out before I could catch them. “Quit anything after that day.” I leaned back in my chair, pulling off my glasses to rub my eyes. “I’m crazy to go along with this, I know. I’ve had enough Lena in the last few days to drown myself, but maybe this is the closure I need. Maybe one of my therapists was right. Facing my past head on could get me to let go.” I sighed. “I think she was talking about PTSD and not a broken heart, but she was the first? I don’t know, Alex.”

“I hate that woman is back in your life. You barely got home and before you can take a breath, and get your head above water, Lena fucking Luthor saunters right on in like she never left. Leaving you clenching your fists so hard I can hear the tendons creak. I don’t like her. Where’s the gala? I’ll call in a favor and have the entire building condemned.” Alex hissed the words out.

“I could leave. I have two offers sitting in my email. One from London and the other in Gotham. But I like the sun and blue skies here, and my family is here. You, Eliza.” I swallowed hard, spinning in my chair to look out the window. “I’m tired of running away.” My voice was soft as I spoke. “Will you come over tomorrow after work? Help me get dressed and look like a lady?”

“I’ll be at your apartment at six.” Alex huffed the words out. “After this gala, will you talk to me? Tell me anything? What happened between you and Lena and the last ten years? I love you, Kara and miss you. I miss my sister.” I knew mentioning PTSD and therapy would throw Alex for a loop, but I had to be open with her. I didn’t want to hide anymore. I’d done that for the last ten years and it left me emptier than ever.

I smiled, blinking back tears. “Saturday night. Movies, snacks, fluffy blankets.”

“Throw in some beer and it’s a date. I’ll see you tomorrow, kiddo.”

I hung up and tossed the phone to the desk, and stared at the sandwich no longer hungry. After a few moments, I stood up, grabbed my laptop and walked out of my office. As I passed Eve’s desk, I smiled. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be on the roof working on my article.”

“The roof, Ms. Danvers? Is there something wrong with your office?” She looked genuinely concerned, reaching for the phone. “I can have maintenance down here immediately.”

I waved a hand at her. “Everything is perfect. It’s just too quiet. I need noise.” I held the smile. “I shouldn’t be more than a couple of hours.”

“Of course, Ms. Danvers. I’ll notify security.” She turned to her laptop, typing away. “The roof access is the third door on the right and you will need this.” She slid a white access card across the desk. “Keep it if you’d like.”

I blushed, taking the card and palming it. “Thank you, Eve.” I walked away before I made things even more awkward. I rushed to the roof access door and ran up the stairs, the barrage of the city sounds flooding my ears as I opened the door. I felt my heart and mind relax as the senseless noise chased out the heavy thoughts I’d let settle in too deep.

Finding a spot near the edge of the roof, I sat on the floor and leaned against one of the skylights jutting out of the roof. And as I opened my laptop, I wondered if I should find a therapist in National City. I couldn’t keep bouncing to the silence of the library and the loud skies of National City to find balance.

Hopefully I could find one who didn’t know who Lena Luthor was.

* * *

XXXX

Friday night.

“Kara! Are you stuck? What the hell is taking so long?” Alex hollered from the living room as I stood in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror, clenching my jaw.

The dress was a perfect fit within an inch of my life. So perfect, it unnerved me to look at myself in the mirror, stare at myself. Something I’d avoided for a long time, looking at myself. I was older, that was for sure, older than I felt. I was leaner, and had muscles in places I didn’t think I could have them. A fun byproduct of eating non processed foods, carrying my weight in gear and running across the world and running away from a broken heart. My jaw twitched as I faced the woman I’d become, physically, and clueless to where all the time went. The last time I really took a hard look at myself was the morning of my flight to Thailand. I fought waves of anxiety in the airport bathroom, staring at a broken baby faced kid, eyes still red from endless nights of sleepless crying. I didn’t have the edges I did then, and wondered if that kid was still inside of me somewhere.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm down as Alex continued to yell at me to hurry my ass up.

“Alex, relax or I’m making you come with me as my plus one.” I slipped out of the bathroom, fidgeting with my hair. “Can you help me with this mess? I haven’t done anything outside of a ponytail in a minute, I’ve forgotten how to tame this birds nest.” I smiled sheepishly at my sister, watching her eyes grow wide at the sight of me.

“Holy shit, Kara.” She stepped forward, a smirk growing. “That must be some competitive salary Cat threw your way, this dress has to be a few thousand dollars on top of the custom tailoring.” She stood in front of me, her smirk turning into a grin. “Wow.”

My cheeks burned as I tipped my head down. “You’re making me feel awkward.”

“Ha. You do that all on your own.” Alex motioned for me to turn around. “Let me take a look at this hair. I can probably do a cute braid or simple updo.”

“Just make it nice looking, and don’t use eight cans of hairspray. I still have nightmares from junior prom and sticking to the pillow.” I sucked in a slow breath, pressing a hand against my stomach as the nerves began to flicker around. “Remember when I forgot to wash off the mascara? I woke up with my eyes glued shut. It took a dozen doughnuts to get me to stop crying and Eliza spent the day giving me makeup tips? I still won’t wear the stuff.”

I felt Alex’s hand fall to my shoulder, her fingertips resting right against a still tender spot. I took in a slow breath, about to take a step away.

“Kara.” Her voice trembled with tears.

I stepped away from her hand. “I should probably dig out that shawl Eliza gave me. It might be cold later.” I cleared my throat, knowing what was coming.

“Kara, what happened?”

“I think it’s in the box marked blankets and things. I should work on unpacking this weekend, and not just my books and coffee mugs.” I glanced over my shoulder. Alex stood in the middle of the living room, her eyes glassy as she blinked back tears. I gave her a tight smile. “It’s nothing, Alex.”

“Bullshit, Kara.” She tipped her head down, wiping at her eyes. “I’ve been in enough situations to know the difference between nothing and large still healing scars. Ones that still show where the stitches were. Your shoulders, were you shot?” Her voice broke on the last syllable.

I clenched my jaw again. “I’m fine. I’m here. That’s all that matters, Alex.” I swallowed hard, looking at the ceiling as the truth pushed hard up my throat. “They will heal and fade into nothing. The human body is good at that.”

“What happened before you ended up in Berlin? The last track I had of you, you were outside of St. Petersburg.” She looked at me with a hard, watery look. “Does this have anything to do with the militant group you were chasing across Russia?”

I closed my eyes. “Can you please just do my hair, Alex? I don’t want to dive into this right now.” I opened my eyes, giving her my own hard look. “I promise, we’ll talk later. But now, now isn’t the best time. I have to be at this stupid gala where my stupid ex-girlfriend is the host, and keep it together. And I only have so much together to give each day, and I’m slowly running out.” I clasped my hands so she wouldn’t see them start to shake. “I just want to get today over with.” I half whispered the words out before looking right at my sister. “Please?”

Alex sighed, shaking her head as she motioned for me to sit on the couch. “Tomorrow. Coffee and brunch. I’m not going to poke and prod for everything, but just give me something, Kara. I can’t lose you again.”

I smiled, blinking back tears and nodded. “Tomorrow.” I sat down on the couch, letting out a shaky breath as Alex started on my hair, filling the air with the latest FBI office gossip. I knew she was holding back, but doing it to make me feel comfortable. A trick she’d learned when I fell into her life at thirteen as her new adopted sister. I reached back, grabbing her wrist, and squeezing. “Thank you, Alex.”

She patted my shoulder. “Don’t thank me yet, I still have the a few boys itching to write Luthor a shit ton of traffic tickets.”

I chuckled, feeling the knot in my stomach ease a little. “Just as long as you don’t swoop in and raid the place for serving liquor without a license.”

“Is that happening?” I heard the slight excitement in Alex’s voice. “Because if it is…”

“Relax and focus on making me presentable.” I laughed again as my sister went on a rant about nailing Lena to the wall for minor offences. While I silently hoped I’d be able to escape the night without speaking one word to Lena.

* * *

XXXX

The gala was held in the heart of the National City University library, the place had become an elegant gathering of people who probably never spent a second hunched over borrowed books, desperate to make ends meet and get that elusive college degree. The gala was opulent without feeling overly opulent and for a second, I smiled at how it reminded me of Lena when we were together. But that smile faded the moment I walked into the room and felt all of the eyes in the room on me. I knew it was the dress and the way it forced people to look at me, but in many ways, I wondered if people knew who I was and my attachment to Lena. No matter how distant it was.

Luckily, I found a corner bar and took residence there, hiding in the shadows and nursing a whiskey. I wanted nothing more to pound back shots to chase away the icky feeling hanging around my stomach and shoulders, but I knew what would happen if I had too much. I’d let go and the memories would rush back and I’d slip slide into a night of nightmares and sobbing uncontrollably. “Great way to manage your PTSD, Kara.” I mumbled to myself as I leaned against the bar top, scanning the crowd. All of National City’s highest and mightiest was here, along with a few guest appearances by the elite of Gotham and Metropolis. Some would know who I was, some would think I was just a straggler who stepped into the wrong ballroom. I’d happily take the later.

“You come here often?”

I cocked an eyebrow, looking at the handsome man who sidled up to the bar next to me. “No, I don’t actually.” I gave him a soft smile, turning back to staring out in the crowd and counting down the minutes before I could leave and not make it rude.

“You’re Kara Danvers, right?” He scooted closer, grinning at the bartender handing him a Manhattan.

I sighed hard, fixing my glasses. “Yes, and I won’t apologize for whatever devastating article I may have written that compromised any of your enterprises.” I turned to look at him. He was okay looking, in that wannabe superman way. The dark hair, the dark blue eyes and the tuxedo tailored to fit around his biceps a little too perfectly. I’d come across his type a million times over the years. Rich boy who wanted to get me into bed so I’d write a dashing article about them or the family business. I fell into that trap once in London, and learned my lesson. Don’t sleep with the beautiful when you’re a journalist. All they want is your byline, not your heart. But this guy, he looked painfully familiar and I couldn’t place him in the sea of faces I’d encounter over the years.

He chuckled. “I heard you were a tough one.” He held up a hand. “Before you tear me a new one and leave me with a shattered ego, I just wanted to say you’re one hell of a journalist. Because of your work, I was able to redirect much of investments. Moved them away from the assholes using my money to enslave people, and invested in companies like Craidhe Tech. Companies who will actually change the world.” He held out his hand. “Caleb Atkinson.”

“Of Atkinson Industries?” I clutched my drink harder.

He shrugged. “The one and only.”

“Hmm.” I turned out into the crowd. “Last I heard your name pass across my desk, you and Ms. Luthor were announcing your engagement.” I swallowed hard as my heart dropped into my stomach. This gala was a bad fucking idea and I was silently drafting up my resignation letter to Cat. Tomorrow I’d book a flight to the Aran Islands and spend the rest of my years writing a novel I’d never finish, in a cabin by the sea. No people, no nothing, and certainly nothing about Lena Luthor.

“That must have passed across your desk a bit ago. Lena and I…”

Caleb was cut off as the crowd parted and Lena appeared like a God damned angel falling from the sky. She wore a deep burgundy colored dress that hugged her curves like they were hiding a secret I already knew. Her hair was up in a perfect updo, showing off the angles age had graced her with, and her eyes. They literally sparkled in the ambient light, making them almost glow an emerald green. I swallowed hard and slammed back the whiskey, wincing as it burned every inch it slid down my throat. “Excuse me, I need to find the bathroom.” And the nearest exit.

Caleb gave me an odd look as I half saluted him and skittered away before Lena caught sight of me. I half ran down the hallway to escape into one of the many aisles filled with books. I could hide there, catch my breath, and count down the last thirty minutes before I made my exit. I’d then go home, write the stupid follow up article and throw in the names I’d spotted and call it a night with greasy pizza and bad TV shows.

I snuck into the aisle of medieval history reference, found a stool and sat down as graceful as I could, the skirt was extraordinarily tight, making it difficult to sit like a lady. I huffed, leaning against the shelves, reading the spines across from me.

A wave of exhaustion settled over my body, I was tired. The transition into a normal quiet life was harder than I thought. Every day I could get up and walk to the corner for coffee, and then safely walk to my office and sit behind a clean desk, was hard to absorb. I felt out of place in clean clothes and in a safe office in a city that wasn’t constantly filled with the sound of air raids and gunshots. I reached up, running a hand over the scar on my shoulder. It was still healing, and would take a while. The doctor told me to expect pieces of the bullet to push it’s way out of my skin. They’d removed as much as they could, but some of it they had to leave, or risk infection. I closed my eyes, pressing my fingers against the ridge of raised skin, the sounds of that day, the smell of blood and cordite filled my nose. The hot sting and the white hot pain that followed burned across my skin, giving me goosebumps.

“Still adhering to the two hour rule?”

I flinched at the sound of her voice right behind me and stood up slowly, smoothing out the front of my dress. “I, um, just needed to step away for a moment.” I turned to Lena, fake smile on my face. “This is a lovely event, Lena.”

“Thank you.” She glanced at he shelves around us. “You don’t need to stay the full two hours for my benefit, Kara. I’d hate for to stay any longer, especially if you’re uncomfortable.” She looked at me, her eyes flickering to the dress in a way that sent a shiver up my spine. I knew that look, and it always brought me to my knees before. “I can have a list of guests sent over for reference along with the charities tonight will benefit.”

I fidgeted with the small matching clutch I brought. “Thank you.” I cleared my throat. “I should go back down and make a final lap.” I went to step past her.

“Caleb and I.”

“Are none of my business.” I smiled. “Your business hasn’t been mine in a few years, Lena. As long as you’re happy, that’s, well, that’s what’s important.” I awkwardly waved at the sounds of the gala. “I should get back, you too. You’re the host, and as Lillian always said, the host shouldn’t mingle with the help.” I frowned as the words spilled out, wishing and cursing my stupid mind for tapping into the bitter section. She was ten years ago, move the fuck on, Kara.

Lena gave me a tight smile, nodding. “And I haven’t spoken to Lillian since that night, Kara.” She looked up, her eyes softening. “Can I buy you a drink? I think there’s a bit I need to fill you in on. The last ten years have been years full of change.”

“As much as I’d love to take you up on that offer, I can’t.” I bit the inside of my cheek as years of anger and resentment collided. “I don’t want to do this, Lena. Revisit and hash up the past. I came here to start over and find my place in the world after being lost for years. I can’t, I won’t, Lena. If I do, it could get nasty. I might say things I won’t regret, things that hurt. You and I, we’re the past. A past I’ve spent ten years running…trying to forget.” I let out a slow breath, forcing a smile on my face as my stomach threatened to spill the whiskey back on the floor in front of us. My body was trembling. I wanted to spew all the hurt and pain I carried because of her, but I also wanted to spew out the nights I dreamt of her, the way I would only love her like I loved her. But I made a promise when I woke up in Berlin. I was done. I was done running, hiding, stifling myself with the past. Yes, I loved her, I was utterly in love with the woman standing in front of me, and she consumed me. “We live in the same city, but it doesn’t mean anything. It’s a big city and I’m not the only reporter who can cover the excitement of a Luthor in it.” I took a breath, looking up at Lena. He big green eyes had turned glassy, telling me every one of my words spoken had hit their mark. “It’s been ten years, people change, Lena. I’ve changed.” I took a step to brush past her when the air filled with a series of loud pops and cracks.

I flinched, instinctively covering my head when the pops came like rapid fire and my mind took over, muscle memory took over. I dropped to my knees, curling myself into a tight ball, covering my ears as the sounds grew louder. I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head as my walls failed and I was transported back to that day. “No, no, no.” I shivered as I felt the ice and snow under my body, the screams around me, the ground shaking as explosions rocked the city streets.

Hands fell to my hands, tugging them away as I fought to stay in a ball on the floor. A voice called my name, asking me to open my eyes. “No, no. Get away from me!!!” I shoved at the hands, scrambling to my feet as I opened my eyes. Everything was blurry, hazy and I couldn’t focus. All I could see was a shadowy figure coming towards me, trying to grab my arms. “NO!” I shouted, swatting the hands away, turning to run away when my heel caught the edge of the stool. I fell backwards, unable to stop myself, falling into the shelves, smacking my head hard on the corner of a reference desk pushed up against it.

The blackness swallowed me whole as I fell to the ground like a rag doll. 

* * *

XXXX

“Ow. Ow.” I woke up with my head feeling like it’d been run over by a truck and then shoved in a washing machine. I groaned, sitting up in my bed, cradling my head. “What happened?” I brushed the edges of a large bandage, slightly pressing on it and feeling the distinct outline of stitches. “Oh crap.” I opened my eyes and saw I was in my bedroom, and the sun was pushing past the edges of my curtains. I was dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, not the fancy gown I’d started the night with. Scooting to the edge of the bed, I stood up with a wobble. My body hurt, ached and it felt like I’d gone a few rounds in the boxing ring. I took a few slow steps and walked out into the living room, desperate to find my phone and call Alex.

I moved towards the couch and froze when I saw a lump with dark brown hair scattered along the arm of my couch. I had to think for a moment, did I get super drunk last night and took someone home? While also managing to give myself a head injury that required stitches?

Then the lump moved, and Lena let out a soft sigh in her sleep.

I stumbled back, falling to sit on the arm of the char across from the couch. “Lena?” I winced at how raspy my voice was. Did I also scream my brains out last night?

The sound of my voice pulled her right out of her deep sleep, she sat up, brushing back her hair. “Kara? Are you okay? Do you need more of your pain pills?” She threw the blanket back, revealing she’d slept in her dress. A dress that was now wrinkled to hell and back. She padded across the room in bare feet. “I must have fallen asleep when you finally settled down. I apologize, I was to wake you every two hours and check your concussion.” She moved to the cabinets, grabbing a glass and filling it with water, she glanced at me. “I need to change your bandage, you’ve bled through that one.”

I reached up to the bandage with a shaky hand, feeling the damp spots of blood. “Um. Why, uh, why are you here?” I cleared my throat again, trying to chase the rasp away. “At my apartment?”

Lena walked over, handing me a glass of water and two orange pills. “Take this. It’s just Advil and you need to stay hydrated.” The look in her eyes unnerved me. She looked worried, almost scared.

I took the water and Advil for the simple fact my head was starting to pound. “You’re evading.”

Lena tipped her head down. “Alex will be here in the afternoon to watch over you.” She ran a hand through her hair, moving to sit on the edge of the coffee table in front of me. “Do you remember anything about last night?”

I gripped the glass. “I went to the gala, stood in the corner, met your soon to be and escaped to the medieval history section. Then I guess I left, got super wild and probably fell down on my head. This is why I don’t drink.” I paused. “You can leave, Lena. I’ll be fine until Alex gets here.” I could smell her perfume and it was driving me crazy, so crazy, I wanted her to leave immediately before I fell apart. I didn’t really care to fill in the gaping holes of last night.

Lena nodded. “You don’t remember the fireworks? The stupid fireworks my PR team thought would be a stellar idea to celebrate the launch of my company?” She mumbled as she tugged her fingers, mumbling about firing a few people for tasteless decisions.

I shook my head, groaning when it hurt. “Honestly, I don’t remember anything past you cornering me in the aisle.” I slid to sit in the chair, pushing myself as far back as I could so I wouldn’t touch Lena.

Lena stared at me, her big green eyes filled with worry. “You had an episode. I think the fireworks triggered something. You hit your head when you fell backwards into a desk.” She paused, looking at me in a way I hadn’t been looked at since her.

“Okay. Well, I’ll make sure to reimburse you for the hospital bill. Or you can forward it to me and I’ll file it with my insurance.” I stood up, wobbling so much Lena stood up, grabbing my elbows to steady me.

“Kara, please.”

“I’m fine.” I went to pull away from her arms, only to have her gently tighten her grip.

“You’re not.” She paused. “I know you hate me, Kara. But I also know what you’ve been through, what has happened to you.” She swallowed hard. “Let me help you.”

I snatched my arms free, stumbling back but catching myself before I fell on my ass. “You don’t know shit, Lena.” I pointed at the door. “You can go, and I won’t ask how you found out where I lived. Just forget my address and we’ll be even.” I stumbled towards the kitchen, desperate for water or a stiff drink, anything to chase away this headache and the broken heart pounding more shards into my chest.

“I stitched you up while you mumbled on the couch. Mumbling about things that make my heart hurt, because I know who those people are.” Lena turned towards me. “I know every single person who’s ever hurt you, Kara, including me. What I did, isn’t excusable. I was young, stupid, and easily manipulated by my family.” She clenched her jaw as she fought back tears. “When I saw you at the station in New York, it was a sign.”

“A sign to come steam rolling back into my life? Getting my boss to force me to talk to you?” I scoffed. “You are a Luthor, so I’m not surprised.” I clutched the edge of my island, wishing the world would stop spinning. “You had ten years to find me, talk to me. Let it go, Lena. Let me go.” I swallowed hard, trying not to throw up as my head pounded.

A heavy silence fell between us, to the point I thought she left. I turned to see her grabbing her coat and shoes, discreetly wiping at her cheeks. She sniffled before turning towards me, standing taller. “Alex will be here within the hour. Please take it easy, Kara. You do have a concussion and should be careful.”

I wanted to roll my eyes, but I knew it would hurt too much. “Yep. I’ve had a few of these in my life, I think I have a handle on it.” I turned away, catching the dented tea tin glaring back at me. I closed my eyes. “I guess, I should at least thank you.”

I didn’t get the last word out before I heard my front door click shut.

* * *

XXX

I woke up a half hour later when Alex shook me awake. “What the fucking fuck happened last night?” She gently pulled me off the kitchen stool I’d passed out on, guiding me towards the couch. “I get a call this morning while I’m upstate, do you want to know who called me?”

“Clark? I know he’s your favorite cousin of mine.” I groaned when I sat down, Lena’s perfume all around me. “Or maybe it was grandma Danvers?”

“Lena Luthor. Lena God damned Luthor called me this morning, like in the wee hours of the morning to tell me that my dear sister had an episode, freaked out over fireworks in a library, tried to pull a runner and cracked her head open.” Alex glared at me, her eyes filled with angry worry. “I couldn’t leave since I was ass deep in a undercover mission. Then.” She huffs. “Then I get another call from her, and she sounds like she’s been crying and tells me you’re awake but need a babysitter. I had to take the company helicopter to get down here.” Her jaw twitched. “What happened last night? And before you feed me a pile of bullshit, I know the truth, but giving you the benefit to tell me first.”

I leaned my head back against the couch. “How did Lena know where I lived?”

“Since she owns the building you live in, it’s not that hard. Kara, what happened.”

I rolled my head to look at my sister. “I honestly don’t know. I was at the gala, met Lena’s future husband, and hid in the books at the library until I could leave. She found me and then the next thing I’m waking up with stitches and Lena sleeping on my couch.” I ran a shaky hand through my bedhead as a few strings of last night started coming back. “There were fireworks.” I swallowed hard. “Shit.”

“Yeah. Shit.” Alex leaned forward on her elbows. “Let me fill in a whole ton of blanks for you. You had an episode at the gala when the fireworks went off and freaked out. Lena told me you were screaming, running away from her and half murmuring in Russian begging for her to let you go. You tripped, took a header and smashed your head on a desk. Lena managed to stop the bleeding and sneak you out the back of the gala. She took you home after doing a quick search of your name in the Catco database, which she’s also part owner of. She then stitched your hard ass head up and stayed with you to keep an eye on you. I wasn’t due back until this afternoon, and she was going to stay, but that clearly went tits up.”

I shrugged. “Why are you all cool with Lena? You hate her as much as I do.” I sucked in a deep breath, staring at the ceiling as the memories of last night came back. The fireworks triggered me and sent me back to St. Petersburg. “Plus who has fireworks at a gala? In a library?”

“Kara, Lena and I had a conversation while you were asleep.” Alex paused, looking down at her hands. “I think you need to talk to her.”

I chuckled, sitting up to look at my sister. “I’m good on that, there’s nothing I have to say to her.” I glanced at the tea tin. “Nothing that would do either of us any good. She walked away from me, Alex. And for whatever reason, her coming back into my life is probably the universe telling me to close that chapter. Write the end to Lena Luthor and move on. She’s no one.” I choked on the last words, bitter with lies.

“Then at least let her talk to you.” Alex stood up, grabbing my half empty glass of water and filling it while she grabbed a beer. “I wasn’t a fan of her when you were together, thinking she was using you as a way to upset her snooty family. But I saw how much you loved her, how much room she took up in your soul and it worried me.”

“Thanks, but I’ve grown up.” I sighed, tugging on the blanket Lena used, fighting the urge to bury my nose in it. “I was a kid foolishly in love with someone so out of my league, I was too blind to pay attention to the warning signs.”

“How did you get out of the Ukraine after the plane crash?” Alex leaned on the island.

“A random research transport. They were scouting out potential camps and found me and the pilot.” I shrugged. “Random luck.”

“When you were blown up in Syria? How did you get to the Army field hospital when there was no military presence for miles and miles?”

“Um, there was some black ops contractors rolling through. They evacuated the entire village and my team with them. They dropped us off and were gone in the morning.” I sighed. “Alex, why are you bringing this up? I’ve been injured a handful of times, and you know about most of them, being the creepy spy, you are.”

“I wasn’t the only spy out there watching you.” Alex dug in her pocket, tossing a USB drive on the island. “You had a guardian angel watching over you for the last eight years. Every time you ever got into a serious pickle, you somehow managed to get out? This last time, you woke up in the best hospital in Berlin.”

“What are you trying to tell me? Did you somehow rope some of your CIA buddies into trailing me as I walked a dangerous line?” I scooted to the edge of the couch.

“The CIA wishes they had the resources Lena does.” Alex walked over, shoving the glass of water into my hands. “Lena spilled the beans, broke when I mentioned investigating the contractor in Syria. She’s kept tabs on you for years, Kara. Hoping one day you’d stop running ling enough for her to come to you.”

I felt my heart drop to the bottom of my stomach. “No. That’s a load of bs.”

Alex nodded. “Yeah it could be. But I also have the KGB report in that USB. The one that will tell me everything that happened in St. Petersburg that day you were shot.” She watched me tense up. “I haven’t read it, won’t read it. I’ll wait for you to tell me what happened when you’re ready. But it looks like your angel came in just in time that day.” Alex let out a slow breath. “Talk to her. Let her talk to you so she can close the chapter on you, Kara. Because the way I see it, she never ever stopped loving you and when word got out you were settling in National City, she moved her entire life here. You finally stopped running long enough for her to run to you.”

I blinked back tears, my jaw twitching as the emotions washed over me. “She walked away from me.”

I felt Alex sit next to me on the couch, sliding an arm around my shoulders. “Ask her why. I think she’ll give you the moment and give you an answer.”

I shook my head as the tears rolled down my cheeks. “What if I can’t? What if I can’t after all these years love her like I used to? What if the pain is too much to forget?”

“Maybe you need to stop living in what if’s and face her head on. You’ve faced the worst of the world and never flinched, I think you can face a tiny Irish woman.” Alex pulled me into her side. “I think you need to find peace, Kara, and it starts with her. Whatever the outcome, I think it’s time.”

I let out a slow sob as I fell into Alex, breaking completely apart.

It was time, no matter the outcome, it was time to face the woman I’d been running from and Kismet was telling me to run back to.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff and things happen. I decided at the last minute to do a Lena POV and probably alternating as we truck along. Read on!

I alternated between staring at Alex snoring like a dead animal on my couch, and the USB drive sitting on my desk. Both were driving me to the point of insanity.

I was curious, of course, to know if Lena had been the weird good luck always at my back. Every time I found myself in the impossible, and I felt despair and about to submit that I was seriously fucked, a ray of light would pierce through the storm clouds and rescue me. I never questioned it, thinking it was maybe some old Irish luck running in the genes of my biological family.

I blew out a hard laugh shaking my head, wincing at the pain. It was Irish luck alright.

Nudging Alex in the ribs to get her to shift and stop snoring, I stood up from the couch and wobbled over to the kitchen island. I poked the USB like it was a dead rat, thinking it would hop up and chase me, little USB hands trying to grab me and force me to read the files.

I huffed. In a way, it angered me. If Lena was in the shadows this entire time, why didn’t she pop out and try to talk to me? Why not while I was lying in a hospital in the Ukraine, or when I was shivering in the back of a Army convoy, fighting the desire to scream and cry until my ears stopped ringing. Why hide for ten years, be the angel on my shoulder and come to me when I was barely holding it together?

I wondered when I walked away if she truly loved me like I loved her? And now a tiny oblong shaped device stared back at me, possibly telling me everything I ever questioned for the last ten years.

I ran a hand through my hair, rubbing the side of my head as it throbbed. It was going to be a long weekend, with a longer headache. I walked towards me desk, snatching up the USB and opened a drawer, tossing it with a bunch of old notebooks I had hopes of using, but probably never would. Wobbling to my closest, I threw on an old baggy pair of jeans and a cleaner sweatshirt.

At the front door as I was jamming my feet into a new pair of running shoes, Alex stopped snoring.

“Where are you going?”

I rolled my eyes. “I want a smoothie and a bagel, and to get out of this damn apartment.”

Alex shuffled off the couch, groaning as she ran her hands over her face. “I’ll go with you.”

“You can go home, Alex. I don’t need a babysitter.” I grabbed my phone, shoving it in a pocket. “I think I can manage walking down the street and back.”

“Kara. You have a concussion, and someone needs to be with you.” She stood up, giving me a hard look.

“I know. But the last two I was completely alone and managed just fine.” I grabbed a worn out baseball hat with a faded NYU logo on it. “I need some air.” I felt the air thicken, knowing I caught Alex off guard again, throwing a snippet of my past on the floor in front of her like a dirty rag. “If I’m not back in thirty minutes, you can send in the swat team.”

I left my apartment before Alex could stop me. I knew I was being a petty jerk, but my head was so full, I needed to get away before it did explode. I was tired of everyone holding their breath around me, waiting for me to fall forward, hit the floor and shatter like glass.

The second I was outside, I sucked in a deep breath of the cool, crisp air and let it clear the edges of my headache away. I tugged on the brim of my hat to cut a little more of the sun out of my eyes and turned right. The weird health food store was right next to the greasy deli I adored. I had a mean craving for a strawberry smoothie and a double bacon and egg bagel sandwich. I took a few steps, testing out if I still had a wobble, but only found my hip to be incredibly sore. I sighed, dreading my shower later. My side would be covered in bruises, and I’d be sore for a few days. If it was too bad, I’d opt to work from home on Monday, soaking in my bathtub.

I wished I could remember more from last night, but the world faded away the second I heard the pops. Lena’s face melded with a thousand others, and the fear overwhelmed me. I could only remember having to get the hell out of there, away from the hands reaching for me. 

But like always, when I woke up, the nightmares only left me shaken, crying with no idea of what exactly it was I’d dreamed of. Or what it was that triggered my episode. I just felt empty, scared, and alone. Three feelings who had become my best friend over the last decade.

As I turned the final corner, I felt a wave of relief when the deli and smoothie place were practically empty. I’d come in between breakfast and lunch, I’d be able to walk in and out without too much trouble. I smiled at the older man behind the counter, who grinned when he saw me walk in. He waved at me. “The usual today, Ms. Danvers?”

“Make it a double, please, Al.” I pushed my hat up, looking over the baked good. “And call me Kara.”

He winked, grinning wider as he tapped the top of the display case. “The cannoli’s are fresh. Made them an hour ago.”

“I’ll take four, please.” I smiled back, shuffling to the end of the counter to pay, when I caught the mornings newspaper. The headlines full of Lena’s successful gala.

Craidhe Tech gala a huge success! Millions donated to charity!

I bit the inside of my cheek, fighting the urge to grab the paper and read about the rest of the night I missed. I swallowed hard, looking up when a picture of Caleb and Lena glared back at me. I didn’t want to read about how he was the perfect arm candy for the billionaire heiress. I didn’t need to read he ticked all of the boxes perfectly. I didn’t need to read how in love with each other they were. All I wanted was my giant heart attack breakfast sandwich, my four cannoli’s and to sit in a dark room staring at mindless television. I could face reality on Monday when I sent my article off to the editors.

“Here you are, Kara.” Al’s voice broke me away from the newspaper.

I cleared my throat, reaching for the two white bags and sliding a ten dollar bill across to him. “Thanks, Al. See you Monday?”

“I’ll have your latte and bagel ready to go for you.” He winked, handing my change, shaking his head as I shoved it in the tip jar. “You tip more than you pay for.”

I chuckled, shrugging. “I know.” I threw him a small waved and walked out of the deli, forgoing the smoothie for my cannoli’s. I stood outside for a moment, not wanting to go back to my apartment and deal with a pissed off sister. I vaguely remembered a small park a little further down where I could sit and eat in peace. Two steps towards the park, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. It was probably Alex, telling me I had ten minutes left before she sent backup to come kidnap me and tuck me into bed.

By the time I reached the park, my hip was screaming for me to sit down and rest, while my stomach rumbled at the delicious smells of bacon and eggs. Finding the closest bench, I half flopped down on it, groaning as my body began to ache everywhere.

Setting the white bag next to me, my phone went off again. Pulling it out of my pocket with two fingers, I answered. “Alex, I’m fine. I’m sitting down and trying to eat.”

“Good. Kelly will be over after lunch to sit with you. I have to go into the office. A suspect in a kidnapping plot turned himself in and is willing to give us the location of the rest of his crew.” She sighed. “I know she’s my girlfriend, but.”

“Will I talk to her?” I leaned back against the bench. “I’ll try. I know she’s the best in the city and if word gets out about my tumble at the gala, Cat will force me to see someone.” I glanced at the white bag. “But if it doesn’t feel right.”

“I won’t push it.” I could hear Alex moving through my apartment. “I’m worried, Kara and when I get worried, I get scared.”

“I know.” I paused. “On my desk in the small journal, there’s a phone number scribbled in the back. Call it. A Colonel Arias will answer. Tell her the eagle has landed and she’ll talk to you.”

“Colonel Arias?”

“Mhhm. I saved her life when our plane crashed.” I cleared my throat. “You should go, Alex. Go save some lives.” I hung up, blinking the tears away. I tucked the phone into my sweatshirt pocket, digging in the bag for my bagel sandwich. I felt shitty for giving Alex crumbs, but the only way I knew how to let her in was to let someone else tell the story. I’d never been good at talking about myself, and had gotten worse over the years. It was easier to sit in silence and only offer the basics. It was harder to share everything I’d been through and all the stupid things I’d done and got caught up in. I took a huge bite of the sandwich, moaning in delight at the taste of greasy eggs and cheese. I missed food like this, big greasy sandwiches enjoyed in a quiet park. After a few more bites, I was too full to keep on eating, and tucked the bagel back into the bag for later. I yawned, blinking a few times. I was exhausted and should probably head back to the apartment before I passed out on the bench.

Collecting my food, I stood up slowly, wincing at how tight my body felt. A hot bath was in my near future. I shuffled a few steps, trying to get my body to work with me, but wasn’t too successful and had to stop a few times. After a few more stop and starts, I dug my phone out to call a cab, when a warm hand gently took my elbow, steadying me.

“You’re quite possibly the most stubborn person in the world.”

I clenched my jaw, closing my eyes. “Are you following me?”

“Hardly. You’re standing outside my apartment building, Kara.” Lena’s tone had a bite to it, and I wanted nothing more to yank free from her, but if I did, I’d fall right on my ass. “I can have my driver escort you home.”

I glanced at her, swallowing hard at the sight of her in a baggy sweater and jeans. She wore her black rimmed glasses and her hair was down. The way she looked took me back to the days we spent walking through the city in the fall. Dressed down and not a single care in the world. “I’m fine.”

She chuckled, shaking her head. “And I’m Superman.” She looked up. “You’re pale, wobbling and your forehead is still bleeding. You shouldn’t be up and about with the concussion you suffered.”

“Oh? And when did you become a doctor?” I clenched the deli bag tighter, wishing I could walk away from her. This coincidence thing was getting irritating.

“About nine years ago.” She pulled out her phone, pressing a few buttons. “Frank can drive you or walk you.” She held the phone up to her ear, holding me tight as I swayed a bit.

I wanted to ask her about the doctor thing, and a million other things as my mind grew heavy with exhaustion. Her stupid perfume lulling me into a false sense of security. Instead, I blurted out. “You sound funny. You talk different.” I leaned into her touch, bumping shoulders with her. “I miss the accent.” I swallowed hard as my stomach rolled from the massive amount of grease I dumped into it. I stumbled forward, my knees buckling. “I don’t feel good.”

Lena tugged me closer into her side, sliding an arm around my waist, holding me closer. “I need to get you inside.” She guided me across the street and right as the world went blurry, I heard a man’s voice asking Ms. Luthor if she needed help. I felt a strong gentle hand on my right, I moved to swat it away.

“No, I don’t need you. I have my guardian angel, Lena. She’ll save me. Like always.” I mumbled the words out before I slumped forward and passed out.

* * *

XXXX

I woke up with a massive yawn, wincing at the tug of a fresh bandage on my forehead. I blinked a few times, trying to get my eyes to open and stay open as I looked around the room. The light grey walls threw me off, along with the photographs hanging on the walls. A few looked incredibly familiar, but my mind was so cloudy, I couldn’t make heads or tails. I yawned once more, moving to sit up in the bed. When I was up, I took notice of how nice and fluffy the duvet was and how incredibly amazing the bed was. I frowned. I didn’t have a nice bed, or a fluffy duvet. I had blue walls with no photographs on them. All of my artwork was stacked up in a closet waiting for me to figure out where to put it all.

I rubbed my temple, trying to figure out where I was when I heard someone on the phone outside the bedroom.

“She’s fine. I’ll keep her here for the night if you can’t get back in time. She just pushed too hard and her concussion forced her to stop and rest. If it gets worse, I’ll take her to the hospital.” There was a pause before Lena spoke again. “My home is large enough we can avoid each other if necessary, Alex.”

“Shit.” I swung my legs out of the bed and stood, regretting it the instant I was upright. My head swam and I couldn’t focus. “Shit.” I shuffled towards the door, holding my head. I had to get out of here. I couldn’t be here. I’d get a cab and go home, or go right to the hospital. “Shit.” I opened the door, wincing as my head throbbed, and shuffled towards a door. Lena was a few feet away, tapping away on her phone. Probably texting Alex. I would have to have a heart to heart with Alex and her new found allegiance with my ex. But that would come later, when I didn’t feel like total crap.

Spotting my shoes, I whispered a silent victory, and then made the mistake of bending over too fast. My head spun and I almost fell forward, reaching out to brace myself with my hands against the wall, thumping loudly. “Shit.”

“Kara!” Lena’s hand felt to my back, her other to my waist to steady me.

“I’m fine.” I grabbed my shoes. “I want to go home.” I mumbled, closing my eyes and my head spun harder. “Let me go home.”

“I’d feel better if you’d stay here, Kara.” She refused to let go of me, helping me to stand up straight.

“I don’t want to be around you.” I choked on the words, knowing every single one of them was a lie. I stepped away from her, shoes in my hand. “I can’t.” I opened my eyes to look at Lena, my heart clenching at the sight of her. “I can’t be around you.” I blinked a few times, feeling the tears roll down my cheeks. My will was faltering, I was tired, tired of the past and whatever this bullshit game kismet was playing with my heart. “It hurts too much.” 

She sighed, looking down with glassy eyes. “I know.” She whispered the words out, motioning towards the large couch across the room. “You need to sit before you fall over again.”

I didn’t fight her as she walked us towards the couch. I wiped the tears, hating that I was crying in front of her, but I didn’t really have much control over anything at the moment. My head hurt and I couldn’t keep it together. I’d used all of my together this morning trying to walk to the deli. I slid onto the couch, leaning back in the soft cushions, crying.

“Oh, Kara.” Lena crouched in front of me, reaching up to brush away the tears.

The second her fingers brushed against my skin, I felt one of the few strings holding me together, snap, and my heart lurched into my throat. “I’m so tired.” I looked up, meeting her bright green eyes. “I’m tired of running.” I swallowed hard, sniffling as more tears fell. “Why did you leave? Why didn’t you call? Why are you my guardian angel? Hovering above me for the last ten years, but never landing to save me?” I shook my head, leaning away from her touch as I sobbed harder. Deep down, I had an inkling my concussions was pushing buried feelings to the surface, and in a way, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was tired, broken and wanted nothing more than to stop the constant spinning I’d endured for so long. “Why?” I rasped the words out, curling up into a ball, sobbing harder and harder with every breath. I squeezed my eyes shut as the memories rushed back. All the times I escaped death, praying to whatever god who would listen, to save me, give me one more chance. “Why?” I choked on the word as my headache took over and I passed out.

* * *

XXXXX

Lena

Covering Kara with a blanket after getting her straightened out on the couch with a pillow under her head, I sat on the edge of the coffee table, letting out a strained breath. Physically, she was fine. Her mobile x-rays showed no damage or swelling, no fracture, just a really bad bump on her head that would have her emotions and balance rolling all over the map. Her PTSD episode had her body exhausted and running on fumes, along with the rough fall she took in the library. Reading over her medical files from Berlin, she was simply exhausted and needed at least three weeks of rest. But ever the stubborn woman, she’d checked herself out of the hospital the second she could, walked out and walked onto the first flight home. Pushing her body to lengths it couldn’t manage.

Her words, no matter how muddled, hit home. I owed her a thousand answers to her questions. Sitting looking at her, I wanted nothing more than to pour out my heart and beg for forgiveness. But she wouldn’t accept it. My beautiful Kara had changed over the last ten years, inside and out. Gone was the goofy girl with a huge heart, always grinning as she fidgeted with her glasses. Laying before me was a woman with edges, and when she grinned, it felt tarnished. As if life had thrown it’s own harsh patina on a heart once so full of life.

Reaching over, I pulled the blanket closer over her shoulders, and set an alarm for two hours from now. I stood up, moving quietly back to the bedroom to change out of the sweater I’d thrown on to run to the deli. I’d taken the day off, asking Jess to take care of any after gala issues the moment I found Kara stumbling around the streets like a drunk.

Tossing the sweater to the side, I pulled on an old t-shirt with a faded periodic table on it, and gathered up my hair in a ponytail. I was tired, exhausted, but running on adrenaline. I could sleep later when Kara was stable.

I sighed, looking over at the bed. It hurt like hell when Kara basically kicked me out of her apartment early this morning, but I understood. I’d broken her a long time ago out of my own juvenile ignorance and desire to please my mother. I chuckled, reaching for the duvet Kara kicked off, as if anyone could call Lillian a mother. Adoptive or not, she was a harpy in pristinely tailored clothing. It took me two years to realize Lillian’s game in pushing me away from Kara. Too bad Lillian wasn’t allowed visitors in prison, or I’d happily skip down there tomorrow and tell her I’d never fully gave up on Kara. The look of painful disgust would be worth the nine hour drive.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at the large photograph of the northern lights in Kiruna, Sweden. It was Kara’s. She’d taken the photo to accompany an article she wrote about climate change and the impact on the northern lights, for the Times. I’d bought the original and had it blown up and framed, along with the handful of other photographs Kara took when her travels didn’t allow for a photographer to go with her.

It was silly of me, to buy my ex-girlfriends work, but I couldn’t help it. Each image felt like I was with her, following through on a promise to travel the world together. A promise I destroyed when I walked out on her in the middle of the night.

I blew out a slow breath, looking towards the living room. I was still incredibly in love with Kara Danvers. That was something I could never run away from, but at the same time, I was petrified at the way she made me feel. It was only ever her. It never stopped being her. I tried, but no one could fill up the space in my heart still occupied by her. All I could do was watch from a distance and hope for the day when she stopped long enough for me to find her.

I turned to look at the floor. Kara had finally stopped but, god damn, did she hate me. I saw the pain in her eyes, the way her jaw clenched, and the way she flinched whenever I touched her. Had I done that to her? Had I broken her so badly she whittled down to nothing more than a shell of herself? I bit my bottom lip as the tears welled up.

“I love you, Kara. So fucking much.” I whispered the words out into the empty room, hoping they’d magically fall onto her ears, sink into her heart and heal whatever parts I broke.

After a few minutes, I left the bedroom and walked to my office. Sitting at my laptop I began pulling up every file I’d given to Alex and started printing it out. When Kara woke up again, I would sit in front of her and tell her everything. From that cold October night when I walked out before she got home from class, to every night I watched from afar, to the nights I sat by her beside in the Army hospital as she slept, to the moment I turned around and saw her standing in the City Hall Station. Then, if she still wanted nothing to do with me, then so be it.

I loved her enough to let her go.


	5. chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We keep moving along. There's more angst to come along. I promise that!!!

Lena

My alarm startled me. I had zoned out, staring at the same blueprints over and over, my mind unable to latch onto anything I was reading. Tapping the alarm off, I glanced at the thin stack of papers neatly lying on the far edge of my desk. An hour ago, I had all the confidence in the world, but that dwindled with every minute.

I stretched as I walked to the couch, groaning at the kinks in my back from sitting hunched over for hours. Kara was still asleep, curled up in a ball, breathing heavily, her brow scrunched up. The last thing I wanted to do was wake her up, she needed her sleep. “Kara.” I spoke softly, worried I’d scare her.

She shuffled lightly, tugging the blanket closer to her chin, murmuring. I laid a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. “Kara, I need you to wake up.”

She mumbled, grabbing her pillow. “Sleeping.”

I smiled, remembering how hard it was to wake her up when we were together. Kara’s two things were food and sleep. “I need to wake up and eat. You can go back to sleep after I check on you.” I tucked a few loose strands of hair behind her ear. The soft touch woke her up, her blue eyes were cloudy as she squinted without her glasses. “Hey you.” I leaned away, giving Kara space.

She swallowed hard, reaching a hand up to the stitches on her forehead. “I’m not home, am I?”

“No.” I stood up, feeling the air thicken between us. “If you keep having gaps in your memory, I may have to take you to a doctor.”

Kara winced sitting up. “I thought you were my doctor.” Her tone stung, hitting it’s mark. “When can I go home?”

I clenched my jaw, moving towards the kitchen. “You can go home whenever you’d like. But I don’t recommend it for a few more hours. You’re very off balance, disoriented and need more rest. You’ve been pushing your body too hard and it’s telling you it needs to stop.” I dug around in a drawer until I found carry out menus. “I haven’t had a moment to grocery shop. Thai or Polish food?”

“Oatmeal? That’s the only thing that sounds edible.” Kara laid a hand on her stomach. “Did I throw up? I can’t remember much aside from waking up in, um, your bed.”

I watched her cheeks turn a soft pink. “Surprisingly, you didn’t throw up. Just spun like a top, and passed out. I barely managed to get you into bed. You’ve grown heavier.” I smiled softly, turning away to find a box of oatmeal I had tucked in the back of a cabinet.

Kara was silent, and I could feel her bore holes in the floor. The air was still thick and heavy with the years between us. “I should go.” She rasped the words out, wincing as she moved to stand up. “I have oatmeal at home.”

I sighed, setting the box of oatmeal on the counter. “I know what I did. I knew what I was doing when I packed my things up that night. I knew the heart break I was causing between us.” I paused, clinging to the courage to continue. “But I couldn’t stop her. I couldn’t stop her raiding my mind every day. She’d call, pushing down my happiness and reminding me that I had no one else. If you left me, broke up with me, I’d have no one to love me, just an adopted family who barely tolerated me.” I clenched my jaw, staring at the ingredients on the oatmeal. “She burrowed deep into my mind, I forgot to think with my heart.” I looked up at Kara, staring back at me with watery eyes. “I know what I did, Kara. I know I broke your heart and a day hasn’t passed where I’ve not regretted it. But I was too scared, until now. I know you won’t forgive me, I wouldn’t forgive me.” I swallowed hard. “I’ve always loved…”

“I need, I should go.” Kara stood up quickly, grabbing the arm of the couch. She turned away from me as she stumbled towards the door. She shoved her feet into her shoes without unlacing them. “I, uh, I’ll call Alex for a ride.” She braced a hand against the door, her other shaking as she struggled to tug her shoe on.

“Kara, wait.” I walked towards her, reaching for her as if this was the last time I’d ever see her. “Let me take you.” My fingers brushed her elbow, causing her to flinch.

“Don’t. Please don’t.” The words rushed out in a trembling breath.

My heart dropped when I heard her tone and saw the distant look in her eyes. “Kara. I have so much I have to tell you.” I swallowed hard, scraping up the last few piece of courage. “Five minutes, please. Give me five minutes.”

She stepped away, her hands shaking as she tried to tie her shoe. “Lena. It’s over. We can’t go back in the past. It hurts too much. At least for me, I’m sure for you it was just a series of corporate takeovers and fancy dinners with your family. Caleb or whoever far more worthy, on your arm.”

Her words stung, forcing me to take a step back. I nodded, blinking back tears as the anger flooded my body. “You know what hurt? Holding your hand during the flight out of the Ukraine. You were unconscious and in bad shape. Or maybe the time I changed your bandages in the jungle hospital after you were stabbed. Then there was the time, I sat for weeks by your hospital bed, waiting. And the morning when you woke up, you looked right at me, grinned and whispered to me. It was the drugs, the pain killers, but I heard you. But I didn’t stay because I knew it was the drugs talking. The awake you still hated me. But then, when I found you coming home to National City around the same time I was coming to set up the company, I took it as a sign. To stop hiding in the shadows, and stand in front of you.” I let out a shaky breath, motioning to the stack on my desk. “Take it with you. I know you probably threw out the USB I gave your sister.” I looked at her, her eyes were drawn to a single spot on the floor. “I’m sorry, Kara.” I went to reach for her, but she shook her head, closing her eyes as tears slipped free.

“I can’t.” She rasped the words out, grabbing the doorknob and ripping the door open.

I let her shuffle down the hallway towards the elevator, digging in her pocket for her phone. I heard her say Alex’s name in a broken sob. I gently closed the door before leaning against it, sliding down to the floor as I cried.

Maybe Kara was right, it was over. I couldn’t take back the last ten years no matter how hard I tried to.

Repent was clearly not in the cards for a Luthor like me.

* * *

**XXXXXX**

**Kara**

“Is it all true?” I grabbed the pillow, smashing it under my head as I looked at Alex. “Can you verify the files and reports? It wouldn’t be too hard to Google me and my adventures. Most of my major incidents were reported, especially by the Times. They always did an expose when they knew I was alive and going to make it.” I swallowed hard, my head still on a slow rotation.

“It’s all true. I had my team verify everything. Lena was the pale angel on your shoulder, swooping in right when you needed her most. I owe her a thousand bottles of scotch for keeping my sister alive.” Alex glared at me from the end of the bed, fluffing up one of the many blankets I had laying across my feet. “And by the way you ran out of her apartment, weeble wobbling down the street, you didn’t listen to her.”

“It’s not that easy, Alex.” I huffed, turning to look at the tea tin I moved into my bedroom when I made it home.

“It seems pretty easy to me. You just tell her everything you feel, she tells you everything she feels and all the hovering around you she did. Then you either put up or shut up. National City is pretty big, but she’s a huge player in it. You’ll run into her at the coffee shops, the bank, the library.” Alex sat down on the edge of the bed. “You of all people know, running from the past doesn’t stop it from chasing you. You have to turn around, face it and then close this part of your life. Then maybe you can go on a date. Find a wife, husband, a house, and sit in the attic writing those stupid short stories you used to as an angsty teenager.” She sighed. “Please figure it out. I don’t like getting random phone calls from my sister’s ex. I’m starting to like her.”

I clenched my jaw. “She told me why she left. Sort of.” I rolled onto my back, pushing to sit up, wincing as my head still hurt like hell. “Lillian. It was Lillian.”

Alex chuckled. “I could’ve told you that. Lillian is a sociopath, a walking chart of cold distant murderer. She makes most of the killers she’s housed with, tremble when she struts down to the cafeteria for breakfast.” She reached over, squeezing my leg. “Lillian hated you the moment she spotted you. She hated the smile you put on her daughters face, and the way you brought out the sun in Lena.” Alex shook her head. “The entire Luthor family is an exercise in futility. They do what they want and destroy everything in their path, including family.”

“What do I do?” I half whispered the words out. “It hurts to be around her. It hurts to look at her and have all of the memories rush back like it was yesterday. It hurts to let her in.” I glanced at the tea tin. “How do I? How do I do anything of this?”

“First, you can send her a nice thank you card for saving you a hundred times. But honestly, it’s all up to you. There’s a lot you’ve been carrying around and you have to figure out how to unpack it. Talk to her, don’t talk to her. But you have to talk to someone. You’ve had the entire world on your shoulders for ten years and for all the things you went through, you’re fragile.” She held up a hand, stopping me before I could protest. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, but you’re also very broken. Maybe start with putting yourself together, Kara.”

I nodded, plucking at the edge of my blanket. “Why do I still love her? Feel love for her?” I blushed, hating I was admitting it aloud. “She probably, no, she knows I still hate her. She was yelling at me when I left her apartment, giving her the coldest shoulder. I don’t hate her, I think? I don’t know. Nothing makes sense when she’s in the room.”

“Because.” Alex stood up, tugging the blanket closer up. “Love never makes sense, it just picks another heart in the world and says, that one. That one is the one I want. You might still be very in love with her, or you might still be holding on to the scant threads of love you remember, so you don’t have to feel the full pain of the last ten years.” She leaned forward, kissed my forehead. “I’m going to run out and get some pizza for us. Any special requests?”

“Garlic knots and maybe a cheesecake?” I batted my eyes at her as she shook her head. “It’s been a year since I had good cheesecake.”

Alex shoved me lightly. “Fine. Go take a shower and take the pills I left on your counter.”

I saluted her as she flipped me off and left. The second she was gone, I let out a huge sigh and hunched forward, cradling my head in my hands. “Shit.” Rubbing my eyes, I swung my legs out of the bed and got up. I slapped my laptop shut, cutting off the view of every single report of every single moment Lena had pulled me out of the mouth of hell. She wasn’t lying when she yelled at me. She’d sat with me in numerous hospitals. She’d used her own contract companies to rescue me and my team. She used her own money to cover the bills insurance wouldn’t and left a trail of hope behind me. For every war torn country I escaped, she came back in and rebuilt the broken. She provided medical supplies, food, water, and transport to those who needed. And she did it all without me knowing, knowing I’d either curse her out, or my bosses would force me to do a story on the mysterious angel of hope.

Walking to the window, I buried my hands in the ratty sweatshirt I wore, poking my fingertips through the holes in the sleeves. I didn’t know what I truly felt about Lena in this moment. My emotions were a damn carousel, spinning from love, hate, indifference, heartbreak, back to complete consuming love. I couldn’t put my finger on a single one and say, yes, this is how I feel about you.

I leaned forward, resting my forehead on the cool glass. Lena Luthor was the lump that sat in my throat, only moving to push down on the top of my heart when I looked at her big green eyes and saw everything I’d been running from. And she was also the broken glass I walked on every day that I was back in National City, writing silly articles about the next gala. Digging into my soles with every step, reminding me that I was still very broken.

Alex was right. I had to put myself back together before I faced her. I had to stop working off on doling out so much together in a day, and glue every piece back in solidly.

I grabbed my phone, sending an email to Eve. The second I hit send, I threw the phone back onto the bed and snatched the tea tin up. I shoved the poor battered tin behind the thick fantasy novels I had high hopes of reading, but knew I’d never get to them.

I took a deep breath before shuffling to the bathroom.

* * *

**XXXXX**

**Lena – three days later**

“Ms. Luthor? This arrived for you today.” Jess gave me a soft smile as she set the small brown paper package on my desk. “It appears to be from Catco.”

I rolled my eyes. “Thank you. Please tell Ms. Grant she doesn’t need to keep bartering for my attention. Reaffirm to her that she has a direct line to my desk whenever.” I set my tablet down. “Are the newest sales figures from Catco available? Along with the progress reports for Project Ninth?”

Jess set a stack of files on my desk. “Project Ninth is moving along. The team is in phase two. Catco sales figures have increased thirty percent since your cover story, along with the news you’re partial owner. It also appears the addition of Ms. Danvers has brought readership from the Times. I’ve scheduled a meeting with the editorial team for next Tuesday to present the idea of Draiocht. The magazine that’s more news than tabloid fashion. I’ve also booked your flight to London for the biotech conference the week after. You’ll have a full itinerary by the end of the week. MI6 is interested a meeting, along with a handful of agricultural companies. All want more information on the clean jet propulsion tech you designed late last year. For vehicle and windmill use.””

I nodded, skimming over the Catco numbers. “Please get me the itinerary as soon as possible for the conference. As for Draiocht, I’m sure I’ll face resistance, but it’s time Catco regains it’s hold as a media empire, and not click bait. We can do both, entertainment, and hard hitting journalism.” I furrowed my brow, reading over a few notes. “Please craft up a statement to the board, and editorial staff, of Catco. I own ninety two percent of Catco, therefore I have controlling stake. Cat Grant may be the face of the company, but I now run it.” I huffed, shoving away the memos from Andrea Rojas and a few others, questioning my intentions and power.

“Of course. I’d love to.” Jess grinned. “Lunch is in an hour, then you have two video conferences. Please take the time, go outside and grab lunch, or at least stand outside on the balcony. I worry you’re not getting enough sun.”

I chuckled. “Thank you, mom. I’ll do my best.”

Jess shook her head, collecting a few of the signed files at the corner of my desk before walking out. When the door clicked shut, I leaned back in the chair, spinning to look out the windows. The sun was bright and shining, like every day in National City. A far cry from the moody weather of Metropolis, Gotham and Dublin. And as much as I loved the break in grey and cloudy, the sun always reminded me of her.

“Stop, Lena.” I rubbed at my temple. I had to stop wallowing in a missed chance. I had to leave it to Kara. She made it clear that she didn’t want to be cornered. She didn’t want to listen to anything I had to say. I knew she read the files, Alex had sent a quick text two days ago, letting me know and letting me know that Kara isn’t the Kara we all loved and knew, and it would take time.

I stood up, picking up the small package as I went to pour a glass of water. Maybe I would take the extra time today and walk down to the deli at the corner. They had wonderful sandwiches, and the staff didn’t care who I was. They didn’t gawk at me like the baristas at the coffee shop across from Craidhe Tech.

Slipping a finger under the corner of paper, I tore off an edge and paused. The worn cover of Tennessee Williams collected stories, stared back at me. I swallowed hard as I pulled the small card out from under the front cover.

_I may have forgotten how to be me, but I never forgot my manners. Thank you. Thank you for everything._

_-K_

I let out a shuddering breath, clutching the worn paperback in my hands. Whenever Kara was at a complete loss of words, or how to articulate her feelings properly, she did it by gifting a book. Never a new book, never a book you’d ever think you’d ever read. It was always a hidden treasure she found in the corner of some bookstore in some corner of the world.

My heart raced. Flickering beads of hoping rushing through my veins, crashing into the hard beats of reality. I couldn’t push. I couldn’t rush to her and throw my arms around her. The book was the tiniest of baby steps, and based on all the trauma Kara had endured over the years, I would have to wait for her to take the next few steps. At least that’s what my new therapist told me. Kara was lost and no matter how much I wanted to help guide her back to safety, I couldn’t force her. I couldn’t be the lighthouse in the storms she searched for. I was a part, if not the reason why, she splintered all those years ago.

I tucked the card back into the book after running my fingers over her script, and set the book in my bag. I couldn’t hide the stupid tears running down my cheeks. I wiped them, looking back out the window. I had to fight for Kara, if I wanted her back. I would have to fight for her and fight for her in the open, prove to her that I wasn’t that silly girl easily manipulated by her mother. I was the woman I should’ve been all those years ago.

I would fight for her.

* * *

**XXXXXX**

**Kara – one week later**

“What do you think the big meeting is about?” Winn sat across from me, shoving pretzels in his mouth. “I heard from Pam in HR, Andrea caused a bit of a ruckus with some interoffice memos. She questioned Lena Luthor’s position with Catco.” He leaned on the edge of my desk. “Rumor has it Andrea was seen packing her things up, being shipped off to the Seattle office, bumped down to line editor.”

I closed my eyes, rubbing my temple, my fingertips grazing the edge of my stitches. “You know what I miss about sitting in the middle of the desert, a camel as my only coworker?”

“Hopefully nothing.” Winn chuckled.

I opened my eyes looking at him. “There was no gossip. No one cared who was doing what, who was moving offices. All we cared about was finding somewhere to sleep and a decent meal that didn’t have bugs or sand in it.” I let out a slow breath, waving at him for a handful of pretzels. “I love you, Winn, so stop pouting. I’m still getting used to the world and the silly things people focus on.”

Winn dumped half the bag in my hand. “I know. But things are changing around her so fast, it’s got us all in a twirl. Catco has been stagnant for the last five years, the slow descent into click bait and now, now this merger with Craidhe Tech is pushing Catco into some new respectable territory. I’ve never seen the editorial team so happy to get an article, but when you scoot down there, handing in your last article on two of the largest oil magnates, buying off a Senator, they light up like it’s Christmas and they’re off for three weeks.”

I shook my head smiling. “I think they’re afraid to say anything to me. My articles are only kicked back for simple mistakes an intern could correct.” I popped a pretzel in my mouth. “I’m sure after this meeting, I’ll be handed a list of the hottest celebrities and their skin care routines I should research.” I spun in my chair. I was slowly getting used to the quiet new normal of my life. I had my first appointment with a therapist last week after I sent Lena the book. I was finally ready to start peeling back the layers. The book was the first step, the second was therapy. Kelly had referred me to a colleague who specialized in PTSD and survivors of war zones. Not that I classified myself as a survivor, but I’d been through enough war zones, I knew I’d need a therapist wouldn’t cringe when I started describing all the times the world went upside down on me.

“Ms. Danvers? Mr. Schott? The meeting will start in ten minutes in the main conference room.” Eve poked her head in, smiling as always. She glanced at the bag of pretzels in Winn’s lap. “There will be snacks and beverages available.”

Winn blushed, crinkling the empty bag, tossing it in the garbage. “Um, thanks.” He turned to look at me. “Why am I being beckoned to the editorial meeting? I’m IT. I fixed the broken Wifi and clean out the reporters browsers when they clog it up with porn spam links.”

I laughed. “Who knows. Maybe they need you to set up the projector or whatever people use for presentations these days.” I smoothed out my dark grey button down, flicking off crumbs before I slipped on my dark blue blazer.

“It’s all wireless, Kara. Everything is uploaded onto a touch screen through the network.” He shook his head as we walked down the hallway.

As we turned the corner, my heart skipped when I caught sight of Lena standing next to Cat in the conference room. It’d been a week or more since I skittered out of her penthouse, bouncing off the walls, trying not to throw up my heart onto the floor.

“Oh, shit. It’s the big bosses. We’re about to get fired.” Winn whispered under his breath as I frowned. We slipped into the back of the conference room. I took the seat behind Winn, desperate to hide behind him, but still be in a spot that I could look at Lena.

She was gorgeous as always. Wearing a white shirt and black pencil skirt, her hair down and around her shoulders. She was smiling and laughing at whatever Cat was saying, her eyes moving around the room as more of the main editorial team and journalists filed in.

“You keep staring like that and she’ll feel it.” Winn whispered in my ear.

I blushed, tipping my head down, fidgeting with a button on my blazer. “Shut up.” Winn knew a little about the encounter with Lena, not everything, but most of it. He also knew she was still a weakness of mine. He was with me the day I found the Tennessee Williams book in the old book shop next to Catco. He only gave me a small smile, a soft look and didn’t question it when I asked the clerk for a small card to write her a note, then gave her the address to have the book delivered.

“Thank you for attending this meeting. We’ll keep it short.” Cat’s voice pulled all of the attention to her. “I know the rumors have run abundant through this office, so first up, a little housekeeping. Andrea Rojas has been moved to the Seattle office where she will take over as Division Editor. We will not be filling her position at the National City office.” She glanced at Lena. “You may also wonder why Ms. Luthor has graced us on this fine day.” She waved at Lena. “Lena, if you may take the floor.”

Lena nodded, smiling as she clasped her hands together. “Thank you, Cat.” She swallowed hard, looking around the room like she always did when she was nervous. I went to look away when her big green eyes locked on mine. I saw the tiny hitch in her breath as she nodded and began speaking. “I know many are confused why I’m here. I run a biotech company, not a journalistic empire. Which is correct, but the reason why Craidhe Tech merged with Catco was to create a new world of journalism that looks at the important issues. Biotech, medicine, science, politics, human innovation, and show the world the things that can be done if we work together. Yes, my company is the driving force in science, but I also believe the art of truthful journalism is key to invigorating the future. I learned about science when I stumbled across and old Popular Science in my dentist’s office at the age of four. Needless to say, I never looked back.” She paused, looking around the room, her nerves rising once more. “Anyone can tell the story of this season’s hot new boots, or the skin care regime of a-listers. I can buy fifteen magazines standing in line waiting to pay for groceries.” She turned to the touch screen behind her, tapping the corner, the screen lighting up with a black cover of the galaxy. “Draiotch is the new publication being added to Catco’s lineup. The magazine will be hard hitting journalism. Science, medicine, politics, human rights. We will report on all of it with a fair eye, fair souls, and open hearts. Everything we report on will be researched to the fullest, and giving to the world without bias. If you’re sitting in this room, you’ve been hand selected to be a part of the team.”

A wave of murmurs washed through the room. Lena smiled as the energy shifted from bored, to excited. She tapped the screen once more. “The editorial team will be finalized this morning. The journalists will have packets on their desk highlighting the type of articles that best suit their style. For example, Mr. Schott.” She pointed at Winn, slouching in his chair. “You will be moving from the IT department to writing about the newest advances in coding, hacking, and mainframe maintenance.” She then pointed to another journalist sitting across from me. “Ellie, you will be taking on medical research. Including advances in medicine and where we lack as a country in providing the best medical care. Now, I know these are broad subjects, but I, and Cat, have decided that this magazine will be written by the journalists, not by advertisers and marketing directors. You chose what you want to write, how you want to write it.”

Cat moved to the screen, tapping on it to bring up the chart of magazines first issue timeline. I sat in silence as everyone chattered with each other. I kept my head down, fidgeting with the button on my blazer until I heard Winn clear his throat. The conference room was practically empty, aside from me, Winn and Lena. There were a few interns fawning over Lena about their new positions, but other than that, everyone and rushed out, eager to start their new jobs.

I stood up, smoothing out my pants. I wasn’t incredibly excited about the new magazine, it was a great idea. I just had a sinking feeling that when I got back to my desk, I’d have a new title. Editor in Chief or something even more vapid. I knew the game of this business. You didn’t create a new magazine and leave your star player on the bench. I’d been down this road a hundred times at the Times. Each time I made it back, I was given a new title the second my article hit the newsstands and sent sales to the moon. I was a name. I was a brand and as much as I once enjoyed it, the reason why I took the job at Catco was to hide. I wanted to write the articles I wanted, I wanted those articles hidden in the corners for a bore housewife to stumble across and tell her friends about the article about South African blood diamonds she read in Catco.

I don’t know, maybe I was still bitter from the world shitting all over me. I once wanted to change the world, and I did my damndest, but after being shot and stabbed, I got it. The world didn’t want to be changed.

“Kara?”

I turned to the sound of Lena’s voice, still half in my thoughts. She smiled at me, taking a step closer. “Um, thank you for the book. I received it last week.” She paused, glancing at her hands. “You’re welcome.” She spoke quietly, the shy Lena poking it’s head out. My favorite Lena.

“Yeah, um. Good.” I cleared my throat, sticking my hands in my pocket. “I kind of figured the girl just took the extra twenty and dropped the book in the mailbox.” I looked around the room, anywhere but her.

Lena chuckled, reaching over to grab her bag and blazer. “Did you have any questions about the new magazine?”

I caught how her hands trembled. She was nervous. I still made her nervous. “Not really? I’m sure the packet on my desk will answer any questions.” I stared at her, my heart skipping a few beats. I closed my eyes, hating the way my heart had a mind of it’s own. “It’s an aggressive release date of next month.”

“The team we assembled will get it done. I have faith.” She turned to face me, slipping her blazer on.

I nodded. “You still get nervous speaking in front of groups.” I motioned to her hands. “You still tug on your ring when you’re nervous.”

“And I still look for you in the room. The only person I know is truly listening to me.” Lena tipped her head down, her cheeks turning pink. “I’m sorry.”

I let out a slow breath. Thinking about one of the homework assignments my therapist gave me. Talk to the people in my life I’m afraid to. Alex was number two on the list and this weekend we were going to sit and drink our faces off while I told her what happened in St. Petersberg. Eliza was number four. I had a trip at the end of the month to Midvale where I would spend the weekend with her. And Lena was number one. I clenched my jaw, I had to do something. I couldn’t keep Lena in a bottle on the shelf, never to be touched. “Next Tuesday, can we grab a cup of coffee? Talk about the magazine and stuff.” Stuff? You’re an award winning journalist and all you can come up with is stuff? Jesus, Kara.

Lena met my eyes, and I could see her heart race in her neck. “I believe I’m free for most of the morning. I do have a late night flight out to London that night.” She pulled up her phone.

“If you’re busy, it can wait.” I pushed up my glasses.

“All set. All of my morning meetings have been cancelled.” Lena palmed her phone. “Shall we meet at the Last Drop, say ten?”

I couldn’t hold back the smile at her controlled eagerness. “Ten is perfect.” I sucked in a breath, about to apologize for my garbage behavior when Eve walked in.

“Ms. Luthor? Ms. Grant would like to speak with you before you leave.”

Lena nodded. “I’ll be there in a minute.” She turned to look at me, a heavy silence falling between us. “Oh, here.” She dug in her bag, pulling out a pen and scribbled on the back of her business card. “This is my phone number.” She handed it over to me. “In case you’ll be late, or something comes up.”

I grabbed it, my heart lurching when my fingertip brushed against hers. “Thanks. I’m sure I could’ve badgered Alex for it.” I absently ran my thumb over her handwriting. A distant memory of her writing her phone number on the back of a coaster, rushing forth. I tugged at my collar, wondering when it suddenly became so hot in the room.

Thankfully, Lena was the more professional one. “Well, now you won’t have to bother Alex and have her question you why in the world would you dare want my phone number.” She grinned, her cheeks still pink. “Excuse me, I should see Cat before she sends the hounds in on me.” She whispered a polite goodbye and left me standing in the empty room, holding onto a stupid business card like it was her heart.

“Shit.” I tucked the card in my pocket as my carousel of emotions decided to stop on one. The one being how much I still felt for Lena.

I shook my head as I walked back to my office.

The fancy packet with the Draiotch logo, sat in the middle of my desk. I groaned looking at it, sitting behind the desk as I reached for it. I tore open the top and shook out the contents. I was ready to write a firmly worded email to whoever that I wasn’t taking on the role of Editor in Chief, or lead whatever.

Instead, a thin piece of paper slipped across my desk with more of Lena’s handwriting on it.

_Choose what you want to write. Choose how you want to write it, Kara. You don’t need a title or a path set ahead for you. Write like you’ve always wanted, write like I know you can. It’s time someone gave you the freedom you’ve always searched for. You will have no hard guidelines and will have free rein on topics and research. The editorial team is at your disposal to assist, not change your articles._

_If you’d like a title, Eve has a list you can choose from. But I’ve always preferred Kara Danvers, journalist._

I set the piece of paper down on the desk and spun to face the windows. “Shit.” I let out a huge breath, rubbing at my forehead.

Lena was making it very hard to hate her.


	6. chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More stuff, Kara starts talking. Lena and Kara start talking. Next chapter some more stuff will happen that sends Kara dissecting mortality once more and if she's cursed or can fix things. Light reading! Enjoy!

“I asked Lena to coffee.” I blew out a shaky breath, reaching for the large tumbler half full of whiskey. I swallowed hard before taking a hefty drink. I was sitting on the couch, Alex was laying on the floor in front of me, cradling the bottle of wine she’d forgone glasses for and starting straight drinking from the bottle. I threw it out there, the coffee date, hoping it would delay the inevitable. Talking about St. Petersburg and all the stupid things I’d gotten myself into, and myself almost killed.

It was Saturday night and I was following through on one of my homework assignments. I was talking to Alex. Granted we were both half in the bag, but it was the only way I could bring up the courage to open the locked doors keeping my secrets. I blew out a slow breath, wincing from the deep bite the expensive whiskey left down my throat. I glanced at the potstickers sitting on the coffee table next to the piles of Thai food.

Alex sat up, scooting closer to me, dragging her wine bottle with her. “Well, shit.” She snagged a potsticker, shoving it in her mouth. “Did you shit yourself?” She chuckled. “Every time you see Lena, you look like your either about to punch a wall or shit yourself. It’s kind of gross either way.”

I frowned, chuckling. “I haven’t shit myself in a year, and talking to my ex is not pants shitting worthy.” I tipped my glass towards her. “Waking up next to a burning fuselage, that’s a little pants shitty.” I shook my head as my words fumbled in my mouth like rocks. I pushed my glasses up, trying to bring Alex back into focus.

Alex sighed, scooting closer, leaning her back against the coffee table. “What happened, Kara? You don’t have to tell me everything, but tell me something.” She took a sip from the bottle.

I chewed on my bottom lip before slamming the rest of my whiskey and standing up to head to the kitchen island for more. “I did a lot of stupid things. Stupid things I thought were brave at the time, but was just me being a dumb ass with no care or concern if I lived or died.” I shrugged. “Broken hearts will drive a person to endless lengths to stop feeling the pain of heart break.” I grabbed the bottle of Laphroaig single malt, carefully filling my glass three quarters of the way back up. “I thought if I could write about the world, I could save the world. If I went places no one else dared, I could shed light on the worst the world had to offer, and I could fix something. I couldn’t fix my relationship, I lost the one person I loved more than anything, will probably only ever love. So, why not go into the bowels of hell and play the pen is mightier than the sword.” I took a large drink, breathing deep as the burn invaded my veins, loosening up the walls around me. “It worked for a while, I became numb. Moving on auto pilot, and even after the first time I was hurt, I thought, wow! I’m a real journalist.” I leaned on the island, staring at the scratches and divots in the wooden top. “The stabbing in the congo sucked. I almost died of a weird jungle infection. The skin there won’t ever look the same from the field debridement I suffered through.” I smiled softly. “Remind me to tell you about Dr. Jamie. The sweetest English doctor who took pity on me and got me back into civilization using her own money.” I ran a finger along the edge of my glass. “I should call her, tell her I hung up the bravado.”

What I would never tell Alex, was Jamie was the last person I’d ever shared a bed with, and that was over six years ago. I thought I was falling in love with her, but she saw through my bullshit when she saw the picture of Lena in my journal. The last night I spent with her in her London flat, I cried for hours. Cried about being stabbed by guerrillas wanting to kidnap me, ransom me for weapons. I cried about losing Lena and everything I never got to say to her. “Being blown up in Syria, I don’t remember much of it. That’s the upside of explosions, the pressure change just rattles your cage and you wake up days later or not all.” I took another sip. “The plane crash, that one, I’m still working through. It still feels like I was stuck in a bad movie.” I glanced at my sister. “You called Colonel Arias?”

She shook her head. “Not yet. I was waiting for you to tell me.” She smiled, blinking back tears as she moved to sit on the edge of the couch. Closer to me, but far enough away, giving me my space.

“She tells the story way better. I don’t remember much, i just know the scar on my leg is from the wing shearing through the cabin and doing its best to cut my leg off.” I stood up, spinning the glass of whiskey. “But St. Petersburg. That one I won’t forget. That one.” I paused. “Is forever stuck in my memory and my body.” I tugged on my bulky sweatshirt, feeling the collar rub against my shoulder. I let the silence fill the room, staring at the whiskey as I absently tugged on my sweatshirt.

“Kara. We don’t have to. I can call Kelly to bring us some milkshakes and we can watch a Disney movie.” Alex’s voice trembled.

I dipped my finger in the whiskey, watching it roll off and drip back into the glass. I was warm, very warm, so warm, maybe the pain of St. Petersburg wouldn't sting as much. “I’d gotten a lead on this group of Russian traffickers I’d been trailing for months. When I left Syria, I overheard a MI5 agent talking about this group infiltrating England’s shores. I was intrigued. Tired of chasing drugs and weapons through the jungles, I wanted to move my focus. I thought if I targeted a group, it would give more weight to my stories. Give the world more to grasp onto. I took a flight to Russia and worked my way through Moscow, Omsk, Kazan. Tracking, trailing and piecing together information on this group of traffickers. They were a broken group of disgruntled members of the Turgenev crime family. They handled drugs and humans. Trafficking anyone they could get their hands on, shipping them all across the world for one form of slavery or another.” I licked the tip of my finger before lifting the glass to my lips, pouring most of the whiskey into my mouth. “For four months, I hid, I followed, I researched, I tracked, I sent anonymous messages to the police. I managed to get a good portion of them arrested and sent off. But that wasn’t enough, I wanted more. I felt like this story, this was the one that would bring me back to one. I would take down this organization, write the article and finally change a corner of the world. I had MI5 in my back pocket, ready to go with me as I fed them more and more information.”

I closed my eyes, pushing the now empty glass away from me. “It was the second to last night of trailing the right hand man to the boss. I was going to approach him, acting like a street prostitute, hoping he’d take interest in my fresh appearance and take me somewhere.” I held a hand up to Alex. “I had backup. A team following me.”

“Jesus, Kara. You’re a journalist.” She blew the words out.

“Yeah, I am. But like most ground breaking stories, the journalist becomes detective, soldier, whatever to get the story.” I turned to face her, stumbling as the half bottle of whiskey I drank, flooded my veins. I was drunk, and felt free. “I made my move. I went up to him outside of the bar, threw on my best flirt and it worked. Until the local police rolled in, tipped off by someone somewhere who I was and what I was trying to do. They were on the take, being paid off by the crime family. I ran, tripped on the stupid heels I wore, hit the ground like a ton of bricks. The local police rushed me, grabbing at me, desperate to pull me into the car before my team got there. I kicked one in the balls, gouged another with my shoe and as I scrambled to my feet, two gunshots rang out, and a very hot bee stung me in the shoulder. I fell to the ground again. The last thing I remember was the right hand man coming at me, his gun still smoking. He shot me twice in the back, I bled like a stuck pig.” I shrugged, stumbling as I went to take a step towards the food. “I woke up in Berlin. Warm, comfortable, safe and decided right then and there. I was done. I wanted to go home.”

I stumbled towards my desk,bypass the food, and yanked open the bottom drawer and pulled out a small USB drive. I threw it on the couch next to Alex. “I brought down the Turgenev crime family and tore apart one of the largest human trafficking rings this world has ever seen. I was given the all clear to publish my story. My statements were given to MI5 in Berlin, and there was more than enough evidence, my silly story wouldn’t ruin a thing.” I pushed my glasses up, rubbing at my eyes. “But I haven’t finished the fucking story. I can’t. Every time I sit down, I get lost in that night. The smells, the sight of my blood, the pain, the screams in Russian.” I smiled at Alex, blinking back my tears. I swallowed hard, as Alex grew blurry. “I almost died that night. Of all the times, the times I was stupid, I never got close to death. Just close to losing a limb or my sanity, but this time.” I tapped my shoulder. “The end. No more story.” I waved Alex off, shuffling to the bookcase and yanking the fantasy novels to the floor. I wrapped rubbery fingers around the tea tin, struggling to lift open the lid. “And yet. All I could think of was her.” I dumped the contents out on the floor, scattering matchbooks, keychains, coins from everywhere, and a small wax papered lump. I dropped to my knees, picking up the lump with shaky fingers. “I almost died and never told her.” I clumsily unwrapped the ring, setting it in my palm and lifting it up to show Alex. “I never told her she was my forever and I didn’t want to die until I told her.” I smiled as the tears ran down my cheeks unchecked. “But what’s the point of living if you’ve lost the forever?”

Alex knelt next to me, gently taking the ring out of my palm. “Oh, Kara.” She went to wrap me in her arms, when my stomach lurched.

“I’m going to throw up.” I shoved Alex out of the way and ran towards the bathroom, running into every piece of furniture along the way. After throwing up a half bottle of whiskey, I passed out on the cold tile of my bathroom. Numb and eerily empty.

* * *

XXXX

“You are old. A three day hangover?” Winn walked with me to my office.

“Shut up.” I clutched the large black coffee in my hands. “You’d have a three day hangover if you drank half a bottle of expensive whiskey in less than an hour.” I blew out a slow breath, still feeling my stomach roll in anger at me. I was still piecing together most of Saturday. I woke up with Alex sitting next to me on the bathroom floor, holding me. The look in her eyes told me I’d said a lot more than I expected, but she didn’t push. She didn’t ask more questions when I saw the tea tin sitting on the coffee table, the ring sitting on the wax paper, staring back at me. We spent Sunday eating greasy eggs and talking about what I wanted to do in the future and what I was going to do with the St. Petersburg story. We talked a little more about my first story in Thailand, then a little about the new magazine, and barely grazed the topic of Lena.

“And here I thought the Danvers sisters had settled down over the years. I remember the ragers we had in college. Puking our hearts out through Central Park only to come out the other side ready for shots.” Winn chuckled as I walked into my office, handing me the bag of bagels. “Have you picked a title yet? I submitted mine to HR this morning. IT Research Leader. I have a staff!”

I grinned, shaking my head. “It’s you and Teddy. And you two worked together any way.” I sat down at my desk, taking a deep breath of the coffee. “And no, I haven’t selected a title or figured out what I want to do in the magazine. I just barely figured out how to use the fancy dishwasher in my loft, I’m not ready for any more big moves.” Lena’s note was still rolling around in my head, along with the god damned St. Petersburg story sitting on my desk. “I’m happy being a journalist for now. I don’t need responsibilities, titles or a staff.”

“Lone wolf.” Winn winked at me. “I remember when you were always volunteering to be group leader in high school on projects, and did most of the work. You are getting wiser with your age.” He motioned towards the bagels. “Eat more carbs, it’ll help chase away the lingering hangover. Lunch today?”

“Maybe.” I winked as he tapped on the doorframe before heading down to his new office. I blew out a breath, reaching to turn my computer on when a text lit up my phone.

_Hi, it’s Lena. I’m not sure if you saved my number. I’m running five minutes late, feel free to order without me._

“Shit. Shit.” I tipped my head down, squeezing my eyes shut. Of course I’d forgotten my coffee date with Lena. I clenched my jaw, tapping out a quick okay as I rushed around to grab my bag. I half wanted to pull an audible and say I had a last minute meeting, but Lena owned Catco, she’d know what meetings were being held today. Then I almost went with the explosive diarrhea, but, I wasn’t fifteen anymore. I stood up, staring at the still hot coffee on my desk, whispering a small apology to it as I ran out to the elevator, hollering to Eve I’d be out for a few on personal business. She just gave me a small smile. “Of course, Ms. Danvers.”

I half ran down the street, desperate to make it to the Last Drop before Lena. I needed the extra time to calm down and gather my thoughts. After the weekend of pouring out some of my hardest secrets, I felt numb, calm, but oddly at odds. It was like once I freed a few secrets, I’d lost a sense of purpose to remain stoic. I’d always been neutral, keeping a pleasant demeanor, with a touch of my inherent clumsy kindness. Now, I was shedding layers of my skin and was scrambling to find a layer to hold onto, especially with Lena.

Waking up on the cold floor, the first thing I felt was the pain of almost never having the chance to say goodbye, that collided with the anger of knowing she’d been there in Berlin. Whispering in and out with the night, sitting with me, but never revealing herself. I needed her then, I needed her to be there when I woke up. I needed her to be there so I could break down, break apart and tell her everything. Instead I woke up in Berlin, feeling alone and wondering why was I allowed to cheat death?

I groaned to myself as I reached the front door of the coffee shop. My emotions were raw, edged and maybe this wasn’t the best idea right now. I reached into my bag, searching for my phone to text Lena some lame excuse before I caught a cab to Alex’s office.

“Kara?” Lena’s soft voice distracted me, from the canvas depths of my bag.

I spun around, coming face to face with Lena. “Um, hi.” I shrugged, swallowing the new wave of emotions washing over me. This time, it was how incredible she looked, and the smell of her perfume. The one perfume, the perfumed seared into my brain along with the memory of giving it to her. I waved over my shoulder. “I, uh, was running a little late too.”

She grinned. “You were always fifteen minutes early to everything.” She brushed past me, reaching for the door.

“And you were always fifteen minutes late.” I bit my bottom lip, fighting the smile that wanted to cover my face.

“I only did it to make Lillian furious. It was the small things.” Lena held the door open for me. “Please.”

I whispered a thank you and walked in, letting out a slow breath as I tried to focus on anything but he warring emotions in my stomach. “Table in the back?”

“Wherever is fine with me.” Lena followed me to the back, waiting for me to take my seat before gracefully sitting across from me. She tugged her scarf off, wrapping it carefully before setting it in her handbag. She looked incredible, wearing a light blue button down with thin white stripes, the first three buttons were undone, giving me a peek at the beauty mark on her neck. “Do you mind if I also grab something to eat? I missed breakfast, I let myself sleep in for a few more minutes.”

I nodded, tearing my eyes away from her and to the menu. “Sure.” I scanned the menu, settling on a boozy latte. My stomach balked at the idea, but my mind welcomed the idea. I had to settle my thoughts down. I placed my order with the barista while Lena ordered a simple vanilla latte and a small breakfast sandwich. I focused on my bag, desperate to find my phone and have it ready in case I needed an escape. I found it, palming it as I looked up at Lena, staring at me with those soft green eyes. I smiled tightly. “Um, sorry for running late. I kind of forgot about this until you messaged me.”

She raised an eyebrow, her smile dropping ever so slightly. “Oh?”

I waved her off. “Alex and I, uh, got together over the weekend. Sisters night, and I forgot how bad, and how good, expensive whiskey is.” I fixed my glasses. “At thirty five, hangovers aren’t a quick fix. It’s taken a few days to feel normal, add work onto that, and the little things slipped away.” I winced at my wording. This wasn’t a little thing, this was huge. A simple coffee date was a huge step for me. “Thank you, for the, uh, note. I appreciate you allowing me to think about things.” I shook my head, hating that I was fumbling and uttering uh every third word.

“I spoke to Alex. She told me to go easy on you, that you couldn’t hold your liquor anymore.” Lena turned away, thanking the barista for dropping off our coffees. “I hope you had a good sister’s night. I’m glad you’re taking the time to reconnect.”

I rolled my eyes, sipping my coffee and frowning at how boozy it was. “It was my homework. And I don’t know if it helped.” I sighed, pushing the coffee away, debating on ordering a simple black one instead. “My therapist asked me to make a list of people I needed to talk to since I came home. The top five I needed to open back up to. Alex was number two on the list. Eliza is four, Winn and James are three and five, but I won’t say who is who. Those two are still competitive after all these years.” I took a deep breath, reaching for the coffee.

“And number one?” Lena spoke softly. I knew she knew she was at the top of the list, the woman was a pure genius and could always read me like a open book. She tipped her head down. “Is this why you asked me to coffee?”

I furrowed my brow, sipping the coffee, frowning once more. “Maybe. Yes? No?” I shook my head, waving for the barista to bring me a large mocha. “You are. But I didn’t want to come right out and say it. It’s not exactly the best number one spot to have. The top of the list of people I ran from and continue to hide from. But, what do I know? I’m a journalist not a therapist.” I shook my head, hating this so much right now. “I sent the book…”

“I know why you sent the book, Kara. You don’t have to talk about it. I know how you are, how it’s hard sometimes.” She scooted closer, her hand twitching as if she wanted to grab my hand. “I’m not going to push. But I want you to know I’m here. I’m here whenever you’re ready. I have so much to tell you, but I can’t force you to listen.” She paused looking dead in my eyes before looking away, swallowing hard.

“You don’t know who I am now.” I half whispered it. “There’s a lot inside of me. It’s like someone put me in blender and left it running for years. And even though the spinning stopped, I haven’t. “ I clenched my jaw, reaching for the fresh mocha. “I have more questions than anything, Lena.” I felt the anger ebb back up as I thought about the weekend and talking to my therapist yesterday. Apparently it was normal after a huge breakthrough to have anger replace the emptiness of offloading secrets.

“Then ask, Kara.” Lena smiled. “Please.”

I hesitated. “You followed me. Why? Why didn’t you come for me in the open?” I bit the inside of my cheek as the gates opened up. “Why did you sit by me in Berlin, hiding? Why didn’t you stay until morning?” I began bouncing my leg out of nerves.

Lena sighed. “I followed you because I thought one day I’d finally stop you, talk to you. I grew scared as I saw how the world changed you, and I felt guilty. Unfounded guilt, but it was there and it kept me back.” She shifted in her chair. “I didn’t stay in Berlin because.” She paused, swallowing a few times. “Kara.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine. You don’t have to explain. Actions speak louder than words.” I felt the anger take over, taking control. “When Alex told me you were there, every day until I woke up, I felt elated. Like wow, she still cared for me. But then everything fell around me. You didn’t want to be there, you were there out of a sense of duty.” I looked up, blinking back the tears. “I needed you, Lena. I needed you to be the first thing I saw when I woke up. I needed you. The only person in my entire life who understood me, and at one point, loved me for me. I needed you to be there, hold my hand and tell me it was okay. It was okay that I cheated death and that life wasn’t going to be a pile of shit going forth.” I clenched my fist, wiping the tears away with my other hand. “I woke up, still so stupidly in love with you.” I glanced at her. “I’m not okay.” I choked on the silent sob. It was the first time I ever spoke it aloud since I survived. I scrunched my face up. “I’m not okay.” I covered my face with my hands, pressing the sobs back in.

I felt warm arms slide across my back as I was gently tugged into an even warmer body. “You don’t have to be okay.” Lena’s voice vibrated against my ear as I pressed against her chest. I dropped my hands from my face, wrapping them around her. My fingers digging into the smooth material of her shirt. “I’ll never ask for more from you. You once gave me everything, it’s my turn to give back.”

I sobbed, burying my face into her shoulder as the dam broke. “You were my everything, Lena.” I felt her breath hitch. “Why did I lose you?”

She pressed a small kiss to my temple, murmuring so quietly, I couldn’t hear her over my sobs. “You never did.” She leaned back, wiping my cheeks, her eyes were watery with tears. “I’m coming home Monday night. Will you come over? I’ll make lunch, and we can sit in the privacy of my penthouse, talk, yell, fight, and figure this out? I’m willing to do whatever it takes, Kara. I have a lot to explain and I finally have the courage to own up to my stupidity. I’m not asking for forgiveness, I’m not asking for anything more than a chance to help you with your homework.” She ran her thumb across my cheek. “If we end the evening as friends, I’ll take it. If we end the evening as friendly strangers who work together, I’ll take it. But it’s time we both stop running.”

I closed my eyes, unconsciously leaning into her hands and the warmth they gave off. “I might yell a lot. Alex said I’ve gotten ornery in my old age.” I nodded, leaning out of her touch. “Monday night. I’ll be there.” I let out a sigh. “But can I text you while you’re gone? I, missed talking to you. You were one of the very few people I could talk to. Alex worries about me, if I’m sleeping, eating right. Winn just tries to con me into online gaming with him. Everyone else I know, they’ll want to talk about why I left the Times for a trashy magazine on the west coast.” I gave Lena a soft smile.

“I bought that trashy magazine for three hundred million. The Times is only worth two hundred. I could have bought both and money left for coffee.” Lena cocked an eyebrow, returning my smile.

“Does Lillian know how you’re spending the Luthor fortune? Buying magazines instead of nuclear reactors?” I sniffled, wiping my nose with a napkin. I felt a little lighter, embarrassed for losing my shit in a coffee shop, but better now I’d knocked one wall down.

“I own three nuclear plants. Lillian is very aware of how I’m managing my money, she won’t say a damn thing. She knows who’s keeping her canteen account full at the prison.” She shrugged. “She is my mother, can’t have her slip into the pitfalls of a toothpasteless life.” She winked, chuckling as she handed the barista a few bills.

I shook my head. “I should pay, I asked you.”

“Next time.” Lena grabbed my hand, squeezing it and sending a thousand little light bolts through my skin. “We should go. You need to get back to work, the editorial staff has a quick meeting before lunch and I have to pack my bags before I head into afternoon meetings.” She let go, standing up and unwinding her scarf.

I watched her for a moment, staring at her. For a split second, I wanted to blurt out that I still loved her. I never stopped loving her and in this moment, I wanted nothing more than to dig in my front pocket and pull out the ring I’d been carrying since I dug it out of the tea tin. The intention had been to get it cleaned and put in a proper box. An idea my therapist and Alex had. Give it a proper burial until I made a final decision to either sell it off at the pawn shop and say goodbye, or.

I bit the inside of my mouth, standing up and grabbing my bag, glancing at her shirt and the wet spot I left on her shoulder. I waved at it. “Sorry, for that.” I slipped my bag over my head, trying to hide the blush covering my cheeks.

“No worries.” She looked up at me as her accent slipped around the vowels.

I grinned, unable to stop it. “God, I missed the Irish in you.”

She chuckled, waving me to go ahead of her. “I usually bring it back out when I go overseas. The Europeans tend to respect me more when they realize I’m one of them.” She laid a hand on my upper back. “It comes out more when I’ve had a few glasses of wine.”

I smiled at the sudden ease falling between us, but I had to be careful. There was still ten years between us and a lot of hurt and pain. Nothing would be fixed if I was swept up in pretty green eyes and a sexy accent. “Noted.” I stepped outside, taking a deep breath of the cool fall air. “Um.” I turned to look at Lena.

She laid a hand on my elbow. “You don’t have to say anything, Kara.” She squeezed gently and I saw the fight in her eyes. She wanted to pull me into her arms and hug me as tightly as she could, but wouldn’t. She silently knew the rules I’d laid out. She knew I’d flinch if I was touched out of surprise, or if I didn’t initiate it. I still had a hard time hugging Alex on a whim, and Winn stopped hugging me last week when I snapped at him when he scared me.

I swallowed hard. “It’s going to be a fight.” I spoke the words aloud, repeating what my therapist said the other day. It was going to be a shitty fight to find my place in the world again, and figure out where I fit with everyone. Especially the woman standing in front of me.

“It’s a fight I’m willing to take on.” Lena glanced at her phone. “Your meeting starts in ten minutes.” She looked up. “I’d hate for you to be late, it might reflect poorly in your file.”

I rolled my eyes. “As if Cat would ever fire me. Even if I asked her to.”

“I wouldn’t test that theory.” She shoved me gently. “Go, I’ll message you when I’ve landed in London. If it’s too late, I’ll wait until it’s morning for you.”

I reached out, grabbing her wrist, sliding my hand over hers almost holding her hand but not. “I don’t sleep much, so text me when land. Please.” I wanted to throw in, so I won’t worry, but we weren’t there yet. In a place to openly speak such things. “Be safe, Lena.”

Lena grinned, tipping her head down. “You too, Kara.” She looked up, biting her bottom lip and my heart skipped into my throat. I knew that look. It was the look she always got right before we kissed.

I cleared my throat, taking a few steps back as I looked at my watch. “Eight minutes!” I waved at her as I turned and ran down the street. I could give a shit if I was late for a meeting, I was only running away this time so I wouldn’t run back and kiss Lena.

I made a mental note to talk about why one minute I wanted to scream at Lena, and the next I wanted to kiss her until the sky turned purple. I really had to sort out this love hate relationship with Lena, and focus on friends first.

I was broken, that was for sure. But after this stupid coffee date, I felt hope I could be put back together.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things happen, a lot of angst, but i did promise a happy ending, just a ton of angst along the way. Enjoy! I am working on the next chapter of Without Fear, but a part of me doesn't want to finish that story just yet, i love it too much! That and real life responsibilities are suck right now.

“Why do you keep staring at your phone?” Winn threw a chip at my desk, catching the top of my phone before bouncing away. “You keep staring at it like it’s going to talk back to you.”

I frowned, setting it down. “Why are you always in my office? Don’t you have your own department to run?” I reached for my notebook, struggling to focus on the story I’d outlined last night.

“It’s me and Teddy, and we both submitted our articles on Monday. I have nothing to do but bug you and wait for a IT help call.” Winn dug into the chip bag. “I also came to see if you wanted to get lunch today, found you zoned out with the phone in your hand.”

I sighed. I had been staring at my phone for the last twenty minutes, trying to figure out what the hell I was going to text Lena. She’d sent me a good morning, landed safely, text while I was sleeping. Now, I was dumbfounded on how to respond to her. I had so much to say, and yet, nothing to say at the same time. I felt stupid for my breakdown at our coffee date and had pretty much avoided her. She had sent texts, not many, a few, and I would stare at them. My fingers hovering over the keys, confused as how to open dialogue. Whatever courage I had at coffee, fizzled away when the rest of my hangover fizzled away. Now, I felt stupid embarrassed and strangely weak. Something on my list to discuss with my therapist this week.

I wanted nothing more than to open the stupid message and write Lena novels. Tell her about every dumb thing I did over the last ten years, then follow up with all the good things I did. But I froze, the stupid blinking cursor on my phone blinking at me like I was a silly fool.

“Kara?” Winn snapped his fingers, pulling me out of my haze.

“What?” I frowned deeper, feeling on edge, wishing I could work from home again today.

“What’s up? You’re grumpy today, and you only get that way when you’re hungry. I did just offer to take you to the Chinese buffet on ninth, but you clearly didn’t hear me.” Winn sighed. “Dare I guess what, or who, has you distracted?”

“Winn.” I huffed, looking up at him, pausing before I spoke. “I don’t want to talk about it.” I clenched my jaw, flashes of my mini breakdown at the coffee shop rang through my mind like church bells. I set the phone down, glancing at him. “You ever feel amazing and stupid at the same time?”

“Everyday. Perks of being an IT whiz. I get excited about cracking code and everyone stares at me like I’m wearing my Star Wars pj’s at the office.” He stood up, brushing off chip dust. “I’ll leave you to it. Text her, call her, stare at the phone, magically casting a spell to make her call you. You were happy at the editor’s meeting. Ride whatever that was, Kara, and use it. If she makes you happy, and you want her again, I’ll throw out the dartboard with her face on it.” He winked at me. “It was part of the welcome gift.”

“But you gave me a bottle of whiskey and the remastered copy of Beauty and the Beast.” I gave him a look, fixing my glasses.

“Yeah, and I figured we could get drunk, watch Disney movies and throw darts at her face. But.” He paused, leaning over my desk. “You two.” He paused, smiling softly before standing back up.

“Us two, what?” I huffed, hating when Winn grew weirdly cryptic, like he was encrypting every word coming out of his mouth.

He motioned to my phone. “You’ll see it. You’ll see it once you embrace the little pockets of joy, chasing away the darkness that hides in the edges of your eyes.” His smile fell. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, Kara.”

I smiled back. “Don’t worry about it, Winn. It’s not like I gave anyone the chance to be there for me.” I shrugged. “As Alex likes to say, I ran off like my ass was on fire.” I motioned towards the door. “Teddy is hovering outside my office.”

Winn glanced over his shoulder. “Not again.” He sighed, looking back at me. “He only hovers when someone has gunked up the network with spam.” He rushed out of my office towards Teddy, the two talking a mile a minute in hushed tones.

I chewed on my bottom lip before opening my desk drawer. I grabbed the old worn journal, feeling it’s familiar weight as I set it on the desk. If the journal could talk, it would probably need as much therapy as I did. I sighed, flipping open the front cover to reveal an old laminated photograph. I stared at the image, shaking my head at how I ever thought I could forget Lena. She was always with me, even when I ran the furthest away from her. I stared at my phone, at the photograph and saw exactly what Winn meant. “Us two.” I ran my finger along the edges of the photograph as I reached for my phone, typing out a quick message. Everyone could see it then and now. Kismet was knocking on every door I tried to keep closed. What else did I have to lose?

* * *

XXX

Lena

“And over here, Ms. Luthor, you’ll see we’ve converted this half of the factory to accommodate your technology.”

I nodded, smiling at the foreman as he walked me through the plant floor, his team and a few members of the London branch of Craidhe Tech. I motioned to my team. “Take pictures and collect the blueprints. I want to be sure our technology will fit without too much retrofitting.”

They all nodded, tapping on their tablets. I shook my head with a small smile. I knew the weight my name and presence held in the world, but after the last few days with Kara, I felt like the foolish college student again. The one who hid in bulky sweaters, and groaned whenever I had to slip into a dress and fancy heels. A far cry from the powerful CEO I found myself to be now.

Kara. I missed her more than ever and kept checking my phone over and over, looking for any message from her, while fighting the urge to message her first. But I had to give her the space, I had to wait for her. I still had so much to tell her about the dumbest mistake I ever made, and give her the answers of why I followed her in the shadows. And maybe if there was some courage left, I’d tell her I still cared for her, still loved her. I sighed, shaking my head. Slow it down, Luthor. No need to jump the gun, she was home and from what Alex said, Kara was done running and wanted nothing more than to stop and find her place in the world. Whether I fit into that space, it was still to be determined.

“Ms. Luthor? We can move to the steel mills now. I know you expressed interest in the smelting process.” The foreman smiled, his eyes filled with the excitement I was investing in his company, breathing new life into a dying family business and the small town it supported.

“Yes, please.” I nodded as my phone vibrated in my pocket. I dug it out of my heavy pea coat, clicking it open without looking. A million emails had been flooding my inbox since I landed, everyone eager to meet with me and woo me over. The new biomedical nanotechnology Craidhe Tech was about to release by the end of the year was on everyone’s christmas list.

I glanced down, biting my bottom lip as I saw her name in the text.

_Hi._

I continued following the foreman, typing out a reply when another message came in.

_It took me almost three hours to decide on sending Hi. Then one more to decide to send it. And it’s probably super late in England._

I could almost see Kara scrunch her face up as she stopped herself from a full on Kara Danvers rant. I shook my head, fighting the silly smile as I replied. _It’s almost eleven in the morning here. Which means it’s very late back in National City. Late night story?_

As soon as I hit send, the phone lit up with Kara’s name. She was calling me and I felt my stomach twist in a thousand fluttery knots. “Good morning.”

“It could be, but I never went to bed.” She sighed a little.

“Oh? Does your new boss have you burning the midnight oil? Churning out articles?” I held up a finger to the foreman as I stepped out of the steel mill, taking a deep breath of the damp English morning air.

“I finished the article after lunch. The editorial staff is reviewing it tomorrow.” She paused. “I had a weird dream. And you’re the only one I know who would be up.”

“Okay.” I kept my tone light. This was new territory for Kara and I, talking.

“I don’t remember what it was about, and I shouldn’t have read my old journals. I think it triggered a few buried memories. I can’t sleep and I’m staring out the window. Did you ever notice how quiet National City gets in the middle of the night?”

“I do. It’s one of the many reasons why I chose to move there. Lowest crime rate in the country, nicest weather and affordable real estate.” I leaned against a brick wall, staring up at the hovering grey clouds.

“And here I thought it was because you heard I was coming home.” Kara softly chuckled. “That’s a joke, Lena.”

“I know.” Even though there was truth in her joke, I’d never let on. “Was it a journal from your travels?” I wanted to change the subject before I was tempted to flirt with her.

A heavy pause filled the air. “Um, no. It was one from New York.” Kara cleared her throat. “When will you be back in the city? And will you promise to keep your accent? I don’t really like the CEO accent.” Her tone was harder, heavier at the mention of the journal.

I swallowed hard. I had a feeling which journal Kara was reading. “I’ll be home by the end of the week. The meetings have gone well, and I should be tying up a few deals tomorrow.” I paused. “You’re the only person who never wanted me to change my accent.” I frowned at memories of Lillian forcing me to vocal lessons and dialect coaches. She didn’t want a trace of my past to linger, a past that poured a imaginary shame on the Luthor name.

“You were the most exotic person an innocent girl from Midvale had ever experienced.” Kara rasped the words out, a slight edge to her tone.

I felt the tension fill between us, even thousands of miles away, I could almost cut it with a knife. “We can talk when I’m home, Kara. Whatever comes of it, I’m ready. I’m ready for the fallout, or whatever.” I swallowed hard, turning to look over my shoulder at the foreman waiting patiently for me. “I owe you that much, my undivided attention and answers.”

“But I don’t owe you anything, Lena.” Kara snapped back. “You may have saved my life, but I don’t owe you a damn thing.”

“No, you don’t, Kara. But I owe you everything.” I kept my tone even. Kara was biting back, it was a part of her healing process. She was digesting the bits and pieces of the past she’d tucked away. Now that they were resurfacing, courtesy of me, she was dealing with the buried emotions that came with them. “I should go. I have to finish this steel mill tour.” I paused, hearing Kara breathe out a shaky breath. “You can call, text me whenever you would like. I’m here to listen. I’ll be home Friday afternoon. You’re more than welcome to come over after work and we’ll talk. But only if you want to.” I bit the inside of my cheek. I so desperately wanted to pour my heart out to her, beg for forgiveness and tell her that no matter what, I would always love her. My life was never the same after I left her and a part of why I always saved her, was because a world without Kara Danvers smile, wasn’t worth a damn.

“Yeah, I should try to get some sleep.” Kara paused. “Um.”

“It’s fine, Kara. I understand. Go rest.” I smiled, my heart twisting in my chest. For every second I had a glimmer of hope, the reality of the last ten years crept back in. I might be able to fix a rocket engine in a matter of hours, but the broken heart of the love of my life, would take far longer to repair.

I hung up after hearing Kara mumble out an okay and a soft goodbye, then blew out a hard breath, collected myself and turned the foreman. “Apologies. Shall we continue?” I gave him my best fake boardroom smile, at least I had work to distract me from sending my own journal to Kara. The one where I wrote to her every day as if she was sitting right next to me.

* * *

XXXX

Kara

“You’re a damn good writer, kiddo.” Alex glanced at me as she read the first draft of my first article for Draiotch. “I had a vague idea about gerrymandering in politics, but reading this, I want to know more. I’m also tempted to run for office to beat the shit out of the assholes who do this.”

I squinted at her from over my laptop screen. “It’s not too biased? It’s been a minute since I wrote an opinion piece and not calling out the dredges of the world.” I pushed my glasses up, catching my phone lighting up with a text from Lena.

“It’s not at all biased. You ramble when you’re biased, and this isn’t the usual Kara rant.” She handed it back. “It’s intelligent, well informed and I think even the random housewife standing in line at the grocery store, will read it, understand and want to know more.”

I sighed, leaning back in my chair, eyes glued to my phone. “I pitched a softball for my first article in this new magazine. I wanted to do human trafficking or the opioid crisis from my days in Afghanistan, but I should save that for the later issues.”

Alex nodded, looking around my spacious office. “I remember your first article for the NCU campus paper. It was about the cafeteria raising prices on student meals by sixty cents. You spent days writing that thing like you were Woodward and Bernstein, cracking open the greatest scandal this country would ever see.” She winked at me, grinning. “You’ve come a long way.”

I shrugged. “I’ve gone a long way.” I motioned to the stack of worn journals I dug out the other night. “I have piles of unwritten stories I never gave to the Times. But who knows the path this new magazine will take.”

“Doubting your boss already? Your biased outlook on your ex seeping into work?”

“No.” I frowned, leaning forward to grab my phone, hesitating opening the texts from Lena. “She’s amazing. The proof is there, everywhere I look. Lena has become a powerhouse for good, pushing her name out of the mud and into the light of progress.” I tipped my head down. “Alex, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

“I’ve been telling you that since you were fourteen.” She chuckled, moving to sit on the edge of the desk. “Lena?”

I nodded. “One minute I wake up and all I want is to talk to her. So, I text her and we fall into a quiet rhythm, similar to the old days, and then the broken boxes in the back of my head start pointing out my stupidity for wanting to reconnect with the one person who destroyed me. Then my heart swoops in, filling me with hope that I might actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s so back and forth.”

“With her? I can have my MI5 buddies mess with her.”

“Alex.” I gave my sister a dirty look.

She held up a hand. “I’m kidding. I know you poured a lot out to me last weekend. I’m still digesting that, and I know it’s going to suck when you see mom in a few weeks and pour more out to her. And I know your therapist gave you homework to start talking, and I can see the texts on your phone. You’ve started talking to her more?”

I nodded. “I called her the other night. I had a nightmare. I was back in Syria. The explosion, but this time I woke up right after and saw Lena next to me, covered in blood.” I paused, swallowing the lump in my throat. “I was scared out of my mind.” I began bouncing my knee, making my new dress shoes squeak.

“I’m sure your therapist asked you the same question I’m about to. What scared you about the dream?”

I sucked in a slow breath. “She died in the nightmare.” I looked at my sister, blinking back tears. “I might hate her, love her, feel indifferent about her, but the idea of her not being alive…” I shook my head. “For six years, as I ran around dodging bullets, I didn’t give a crap if I died. I was doing my job and had no reason to live cautiously, or live at all. But I kept at it every time I woke up, alive, having survived.” I rolled my eyes, leaning back in the chair. “I know, it’s the hopeless romantic idea, death to heal a broken heart.”

“It’s a stupid fucking idea.” Alex gave me a hard look. “The only reason I’m not kicking your ass, is because you’re home, you’re alive and you’re processing the last ten years.” She pointed at me. “But remember, every damn day you wake up, there’s a lot of us who give a ton of shits that you’re alive.” She tipped her head down, wiping away a stray tear. “God, Kara. I would’ve been there for you.”

I stood up, wrapping my sister in my arms, squeezing her hard. “I’m sorry, Alex.” I wanted to say more, but I was a loss for words. My mouth and mind were disconnected, failing to filter out everything I needed to say for the last few years. I finally felt safe, so the dams opened, and I was letting it all out. “You and everyone else is why I stopped, came home. After St. Petersburg, well, I realized I didn’t want to die at thirty five, alone, a stupid chip on my shoulder.”

Alex slide her arms around me, squeezing me back, pinching my ribs. “Will you do me a favor?”

“Anything.”

“Talk to Lena. Lock yourselves in her fancy penthouse and hash it out. Tell her everything like I know you want to. Break down these fucking walls you built around yourself, and let her see the raw pain you carry.” Alex leaned out of my arms. “I think it’s the only way you’ll heal. You still love her, and I’m pretty sure she still loves you. Whether you two will get back together, it doesn’t matter. I think you’re nightmare was your subconscious poking it’s head out now that you’re safe.” She stood up, wiping her cheeks with the edge of her sleeve. “Let her have it. Don’t hold back, Kara.”

I clenched my jaw, tugging on my fingers. “I might hurt her.” I whispered, hating myself for saying it. My sister was right, I had to bare all of my wounds to Lena, no matter how much they hurt or burned. She was the hidden silent rage I carried with me.

“You might. And at the end, I think she’ll still love you.” Alex pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Get it out before you see mom. You’ll need to tone down your stories, she’s always worried about you and if Jeremiah and her did right by you.”

“Oh my God, Eliza and Jeremiah were amazing. I could never ever blame them for anything, I love them so much. They’re my family.” I pushed my glasses up, my eyes wide and teary.

“I know.” Alex squeezed my arm. “I have to head across town, meeting with a CIA task force.” She picked up my phone, handing it over. “Call her, text her, send her a video of you ranting, just start the process, Kara.”

“Thanks.” I took the phone, swiping it open to read a handful of messages Lena sent.

_Heading to the steel mill once more. I’ll call when I’m on the flight back._

_Cat sent me a preview of your first article. It’s an incredible story, Kara._

I smiled as flipped through the rest, mainly emojis responding to the little stupid messages I sent about Winn being annoying and the puppies I saw in the window of a shelter. I moved to the last one, sent right before Alex walked in, sent by an unknown number.

Ms. Danvers, my name is Jess and I’m Ms. Luthor’s personal assistant. There’s been an accident, and per her directives, you’re her first contact. Please call me as soon as you can.

I frowned, thinking it was a prank when Winn came running into my office. “Kara! Why aren’t you answering your desk phone?” He rushed to the large TV in the corner of my office.

“I put it on do not disturb. The interns kept misdialing and calling me.” I swallowed hard, looking at the message from Jess, my gut twisting in an all too familiar way. “Why are you freaking out?”

“Because.” He clicked the TV on. “There was an explosion at a steel mill outside of London, in Cardiff.” He pointed at the images on BBC One of a burning factory, thick plumes of black smoke filling the screen. “The Paulson Brothers Steel Mill is in negotiations to be purchased by Craidhe Tech next week.” He glanced at me. “No one can get ahold of Lena.”

“No. She just messaged me.” I held up the phone, showing Winn. “It’s fine. I’ll call her now.” I went to dial her when my phone lit up, Jess’s number blazing bold white. I answered. “Who are you?

“Ms. Danvers, I don’t have time. Ms. Luthor has been injured in a steel mill accident and since you’re her point of contact, I need to patch you into the medical team. They need approval before they can send her into surgery.” Jess spoke in a quick, clipped tone.

I swallowed hard as my vision blurred at the edges. I closed my eyes, rubbing my temple. “Uh, whatever they need to do.” I reached for the edge of my desk, feeling lightheaded. “Is she…okay?” I cleared my throat as things grew hazier, darker.

“They’re taking extreme precautions at this moment. I’m flying there now from Metropolis, I can arrange a flight for you, if you’d like.”

“I uh, I.” I looked at Winn. “Winn?” I glanced at my phone, a delayed text from Lena slid in.

_I love you, Kara. Always have. I’m sorry._

“No. She can’t do this.” I reached for Winn, letting my phone fall to the floor. Before he could grab me, everything went black and I passed out, falling to the floor like a bag of stones.

My nightmare had become a reality


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is what it is, i've been super tired from work and trying to find balance and not nap all the time. Enjoy this one, next up, Kara will start confronting her trauma head on and the things she's still hiding.

_“Kara! I can’t control it, prepare for crash!”_

_I looked at Sam, her knuckles white as the snow all around us, as she gripped the yoke, desperately trying to steer the plane away from the oncoming mountain. I went to reach for her, help her pull back, when she shoved me back into my seat. “Don’t! Put your damn helmet on, buckle up and grab the seat cushion behind you. Shove that in front of your chest. We’re going to hit hard. Hard and fast.”_

_The engines roared, the left side burning like wildfire, the right whining, struggling to keep the plane in the air. “Sam! Let me help!”_

_“Shut up, Danvers.” She threw me a hard panicked glance. “I’m going to try and bring this down as best as I can. I don’t need your fictional FBI agent of a sister, hunting me when I fuck up and hurt her little sister.”_

_I turned just in time to see the horizon dip and rise up at us fast. The blue sky swallowed up by the ice white and black of the mountains of the Ukraine below us. “Shit.” I fell back into my seat, throwing a helmet on and grabbed two seat cushions, shoving one in front of Sam’s chest under her seat belt before leaning back, buckling myself in._

_It was those two seconds that cost me. Before I sat fully in, the left wing exploded free from the fuselage and shot through the cockpit on my side like a hot knife through butter, meeting the flesh of my thigh with little resistance._

“Kara?!”

“Kara?! Wake up!”

I jolted awake, hearing Sam screaming my name as the engines drowned her out. I gasped, sitting forward to fast, almost blacking out.

“Whoa there, kiddo.” Alex’s shaky voice rippled through my ears, confusing me. “You don’t need another concussion.”

“Alex?” I looked around, still hearing the sounds of plane engines. “Where am I?” I clawed at her arms, pushing her to the side to look out a window.

“Relax. We’re in a van at National City Airport.” She leaned back, pointing towards the giant C-130 cargo plane on the tarmac. “I managed to call in a huge favor and got us a late night ride to England.”

I shook my head, running my fingers over the still healing stitches. “Why does my head hurt? And why does it feel like I’m in a fishbowl?” I glanced at my sister. “Please tell me this isn’t a nightmare and I’m trapped in a weird alternate universe where I just keep crashing in the mountains over and over, with Sam.” I pressed my palm against the window, my stomach twisting at the sight of the dark grey military cargo plane. I’d had one far too many rides in a military plane. Enough to leave me with a resident fear whenever I got near them.

“Kara? Are you sure you’re okay? I can stop and have a medic look over you.” Alex laid a hand on my shoulder pulling me to look at her. “You don’t seem to remember.” She trailed off.

“Remember what? And why the hell am I riding in an FBI creeper van in the middle of the day? I’m missing a meeting with the photography team.” I fell back into the bench seat, patting my pockets for my phone. “And lunch with Winn.”

Alex sighed, closing her eyes. “Kelly told me this might happen.” She reached into a side pocket on her black cargo pants. “Gino, stop the van here and give us a minute?”

“No, don’t stop the van. Turn the van around and take me back to work.” I winced as I plucked my phone from my back pocket. “Alex, I swear you’re over protectiveness can grow to be a little too much.” Swiping the phone open, I frowned at the endless number of texts sitting in my inbox. “I miss my old flip phone.”

“God damn it, Kara!” Alex grabbed my shoulders, forcing me to look at her. “Shut the fuck up for a second.” She clenched her jaw as I stared at her wide eyed. “Just, shut up and listen to me. We’re not taking the cargo plane.” She pointed over her shoulder at a sleek G5 jet tucked by the rear of the C-130. “That’s our ride to England. My boss is pulling a huge favor out of the air for me.” She tugged my arm, yanking the van door open. “I’d hoped you’d wake up a little more with it, but Kelly mentioned PTSD triggers can cause a tailspin.”

“Wake up?” I stumbled when Alex hauled me out of the van. “I’m pretty sure you kidnapped me from my office. Last thing I remember was standing with Winn, discussing lunch options.” I glanced at my phone. “England is where Lena is. She might think I’m stalking her.” My thumb grazed her last message, my eyes locked on the handful of words staring back up at me.

Everything flooded in the second my foot touched the concrete tarmac. “Lena.” My heart seized, I looked at Alex, giving me a weak smile.

“We’ll be there in six hours, tops.”

I swallowed hard, nodding and running with Alex towards the jet, cursing my faulty mind for pushing things to the side like it always did when I took a major tumble. “Lena.” I grabbed Alex’s hand. “What if?”

“I don’t deal in what if’s, Kara. Stopped doing it a long time ago, right around your first brush with a knife to the back.” She squeezed my hand. “I can’t deal with what if’s, and neither will you.” She tugged me up the steps to the jet. “Let’s take it one step at a time.”

I nodded, reading Lena’s last text as my heart struggled to keep itself together. It, like me, only had so much together left to give, and the fear of the unknown, six hours away, had the both of us on the verge of collapse.

* * *

XXXX

The smell of a hospital reminded me of a million different things. Being thirteen and sitting in a cold, artificially lit room as people whispered around me. The time I was seventeen and I crashed Eliza’s car into a ditch, earning my first set of stitches, she never got mad at me. Only smiled, holding my hand as the doctor closed up the gash on my arm. Hospitals were where life started and ended.

I hid my hands in the baggy zip up Alex gave me, while she spoke with a nurse. England was far colder than National City, and I was struggling not shivering. Some of it was the cold, a lot of it was the adrenaline fear had pushed through my veins the entire flight over.

The steel mill explosion was devastating. It tore the foundry to the ground, leaving a smoldering crater. It was still unknown if there were survivors as the injured swarmed the local hospitals. It took Alex pulling another favor with her MI5 friends to locate the hospital Lena had been rushed to.

“She’s in a private wing of the hospital.” Alex appeared at my elbow, startling me. “Apparently, she owns this hospital and when the Chief Resident recognized her name, they ushered her into secrecy to prevent the press from getting too nosy.”

I nodded, plucking at a loose thread on my sleeve. “Um, is um, she okay?”

“I’m waiting for her doctor to get out of surgery. Could be a few hours, Kara.” Alex squeezed my elbow, moving us away from the nurses station. “I’m working on pulling the reports coming in from witnesses. That’s all I can do for now.”

“Ok.” I breathed in a heavy breath of hospital, turning my stomach as the fear mixed with old unforgotten memories. “What happened? I heard you talking on the phone to your spy buddies.”

We walked to a small waiting room with a vending machine and communal coffee pot. Alex moved towards the vending machine, swiping her card before jamming the button for those gross energy drinks she loved, and a bottle of water. “The foreman working on the steel pour, mixed up the temperature calculations, causing a volcanic reaction. The explosion was fast, hot, and fast. A few witnesses said the beams holding up the building melted like butter.” Alex paused handing me the water. “Lena. Lena was in the heart of the foundry. Her assistant on this trip said she ran towards the control room, screaming for everyone to get out. She managed to turn the massive pot full of molten steel just enough to prevent a tsunami of liquid steel from chasing those running out of the building.” She tipped her head down, picking at the pull tab. “The fire team managed to pull her out of the control room before the second explosion.”

I swallowed hard, shoving my heart back down into my chest. “She told me she still loved me.” I squeezed the water bottle, desperate to get my hands from shaking. “She sent me a stupid text while I was bickering with Winn about lunch. I was keeping her at an arm’s length, being a total asshole to her. Pushing back and forth, back and forth, keeping her in the blender with me as I spun in a hopeless circle. If she’s gone, if she’s gone, I...” I looked at my sister, blinking back tears. “I ran away, Alex. I ran as far as I could to escape the hold she had on me. I never wanted to run this far away.” I rushed out of the room, running down the hall until I found a door leading to the roof. I slammed it open, running up the stairs, forcing the air out of my lungs with every step before I could start sobbing.

The cold evening air slapped my face, sucking the last few strands of air from my lungs. I gasped, letting out broken sobs as I let the tears slide free. For every war I’d been in, for every maniac chasing me in the shadows, for every time I woke up, escaping death for the millionth time, nothing scared me as much as the feeling of a world where Lena didn’t exist.

I staggered towards the edge of the roof, sucking in breaths in between the sobs. I loved her, even when I hated her with every fiber of my being, I loved her. She was my heart and soul, the reasons why I continued to wake up, slipping free from the grips of the grim reaper. I had a point to prove to her. I once thought it was I didn’t need her to find myself, I didn’t need her to find my strength. Or so I thought. Lena was everything. She was my strength, my power, my drive, my motivation, and no matter how I skewed it to fit the view of the day, she was always there. And I needed her there.

I gripped to the cold edge of the roof, the rough brick biting into my skin, the pain centering me and slowing down my heart. I took slow breaths in, trying to slow the spin down before I blacked out again, when I caught a whiff of cigarette smoke. I frowned, as the smoke grew thicker. “There’s a smoking area down out in front of the ER.” I cleared my throat, turning away from the smoke before I lost my crap and went off on the person invading the only space I had to breathe.

“There is, but if my doctor knew I was smoking after she expertly performed a chest tube on me, I might be kicked out of my own hospital.” The voice was raspy, weak, thick with exhaustion, but one I’d never forget.

“Lena?” I spun around, locking eyes on Lena sitting on a metal folding chair, cradling an arm in a sling as she smoked with the two fingers poking out of a splint. Her face was riddled with bruises, scrapes and a few bandages.

She held up the cigarette. “It’s the first one I’ve had in nine and a half years. But being almost turned into human carbonite.” She shrugged, looking at me with teary eyes. “Hi.”

I broke down, rushing towards her, not thinking about a single injury when I pulled her into my arms. “I thought.”

She patted my back, whispering for me to ease up in a pained voice. “You’re always overthinking, Kara.” She leaned back in my arms, running her eyes over my face as the tears slid down her cheeks. “And I’m never thinking of the consequences of my actions.” She shivered, letting out a slow breath.

“You’re cold.” I yanked off my zip up, throwing it around her shoulders before helping her sit. Lena was only wearing her hospital gown, the crappy tissue thin robe with grippy socks. “We should get you back to your room.”

She shook her head, wincing as she sat. “Not yet. It’s too stuffy in there.” She picked up her cigarette, still smoldering. She stamped it out on the edge of the chair. “I think too much when I’m in a hospital. All of things I’ve lost, all of the people I almost lost.” She looked up, not at me, but at the city lights hovering around the rooftop. “My message. Kara, I.” She paused, picking at the edge of the cast around her arm in the sling.

“Don’t you dare apologize for any word you sent.” I clenched my jaw, moving to lean against the edge of the roof in front of Lena. I wanted to look at her, stare at her, soak her up. She was alive, battered, but alive, and my heart wanted me to stare at her, hold her until it sealed the small cracks that had formed the entire flight over.

“Kara.”

“Remember when I used to love winter? Bundling up in hats and gloves, snuggling under all the blankets I could find?” I pushed my glasses up. “I fucking hate being cold now. I hate the way the cold air pokes your skin like little needles, I hate the sound of fresh snow makes when you walk on it, the squeaky screech. I hate ice, and the way every bone in my body now hurts when it drops below freezing.” I paused, staring at the tops of my fancy work shoes. The dapper lace ups I bought three days ago, but now hurt like hell. “When I crawled out of the fuselage, dragging my friend with me, the snow burned. It burned into the cuts on my hands, and stung when it soaked my clothes, making them stick to my bloody skin. After making sure Sam was alive, warm, I grabbed the satellite phone, sending out an emergency signal. Knowing there was a slim chance we’d be rescued that far up in the mountains.” I paused, looking at Lena. “My leg was a mess, I’d lost too much blood and was freezing. And all I wanted to do was use the last minutes of battery left on that phone and call you. It’d been nine years at this point. I hadn’t spoken to you, heard from you, just saw bits and pieces in the newspapers whenever I landed in civilized society.” I glanced at the night sky, clearing my throat, wiping my eyes as I cried. “But laying in the snow, I wanted to call you and tell you, I love you, Lena. Always have, always will.” I blew out a small laugh, looking back at her. “I passed out before I could, the stupid phone froze in my hand.” I held up my left hand, pointing at the weird patch of pink skin near the outside. “I woke up two days later, three days after that, I was on my way to Russia. Running away again.”

I pushed away from the roof, kneeling in front of Lena. “Don’t apologize for your message.” I grabbed the two fingers of her right hand. “You’re alive, chasing the nightmare away.” I looked up, her cheeks were wet as she cried. “I’m done running, Lena. But I need to learn how to walk again, with you.” I furrowed my brow. “Will you…”

“Yes.” The word came out tangled around a raspy sob, Lena cutting me off. “But we learn together, Kara.” She squeezed my fingers as best as she could. “Can we start by walking me to my room? I’m fucking freezing.”

I chuckled, nodding as I helped her up, fighting the urge to simply scoop her up in my arms and carry her back down to her room. “I’ll tuck you in while Alex tells you a bedtime story of me passing out in my office.”

She reached up, brushing fingers over my stitches. “I can have a neurologist look at your head. You might have some lingering effects from your concussion.” Her fingers were cold, but burned as they grazed my skin.

“My head is okay.” I glanced at her, wanting to say something more, like those three little words I’ve wanted to say for years. But even I knew if I told her I loved her in this moment, it would be filled with adrenaline and fear. I still loved Lena, but I had to learn who Lena was now, and Lena had to learn who I was. A thought I’d laugh at a few weeks ago. I smiled, pulling her closer into my side as I took her back inside the hospital. “Let’s get you inside. Your doctor is with Alex right now. Hopefully telling her when we can take you home.”

It only took a fiery explosion and almost losing Lena for me to stop running and stop being so selfish about how I thought Lena felt.

It was time to finally let her in.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We move along, the road is getting smoother, but there will be a few angsty bumps along the way. Enjoy! also, some of my books are going on sale on the 22nd for kindle, a whole .99! Go over to Amazon, look up Sydney Gibson and have a look! Thank you for reading!! Your reviews help fuel my motivation to keep writing in this real weird year.

Lena

“Can you give me one more week before you fly? I don’t like your lungs flying just yet. When you collapse one, it always has an itch to do it again.”

“One week. I want to go home. As much as I love your country, I don’t like the press sticking their nose up my ass every three seconds, calling me a national hero.” I stared at Claire, my old friend and doctor in this situation. “If I stay a week, can we work on pulling out those egregious pins you put in my forearm and use the nubis metal? The body has a 99.9% tolerance rate over the surgical steel you jammed in there.”

“Jammed in there? I’ll have you know, I’m the best orthopedic surgeon in this country.” Claire cocked an eyebrow, crossing her arms as the x-rays of my bones hung over her shoulder. “But yes, we can. I can slip you in tomorrow morning. Just as long as you give me top billing on the research article I know you’ll write as soon as you're out of surgery.”

“You can have the whole damn thing.” I adjusted my arm, wincing at the pain.

Claire pulled my x-rays off the lightboard. “The blonde.”

“Yes?” I laid back in the pillows, frowning when I couldn’t find a comfortable angle.

“Is she who I think she is?” Claire didn’t look at me as she flipped through the pages on my chart.

“If you don’t want me back on the roof, smoking, now is not the time to delve into the blonde pacing outside my room.” I started picking at the edge of my cast. “The nubis metal will eliminate the need for this annoying cast. It has smart technology, the pins will detect movement and lock the joints if rotation is too steep for the break.”

“I know. I helped you design that technology.” Claire paused, shaking her head. “I know who she is. I would spot my work a mile away. The slight hitch in her gait on the right side? I remember repairing her dislocated hip in Syria under the cover of darkness and deep secrets.” She glanced at me, giving me a hard judging look. “I thought you were staying in the shadows with her, repenting from a distance and hoping absolution would come your way. That woman is out there, chewing her nails like an expectant father. Did you birth the baby of rekindled romance? Or is it just pure happenstance her and her sister have been hounding me the second they arrived here?”

I sighed, clenching my jaw. “Would you judge me if I said I couldn’t help myself? I couldn’t stay away. We landed in the same city, I now own the magazine who hired her five days before I signed the takeover.” I paused, turning to look out the open doorway to catch the tail end of Kara hustling after a nurse. “Would you judge me if I said I still love her, and hope that after almost being turned into liquid molten human, I’d find the courage to rewind the last ten years and go back to that night when I fucked everything up? Lost the best thing I ever had?” I turned back to Claire. “I’m a fool, I know.”

“You were a fool ten years ago. A foolish little girl. What I see before me now, is a woman who’s battle her way out of some shit and found her own feet to stand on. I knew the first time you spoke about the blonde in New York, you never let her go. I saw the look in your eyes in Syria, in Berlin. The love mixed with the utter terror of almost losing someone so precious to you.” Claire slid my chart in the bin at the end of my bed. “You’re going to be laid up for a few weeks, even with the nubis pins. You might as well take advantage of the fact you can’t run, and you might need someone to check in on you as you heal and are knocked down to one arm.”

I swallowed hard. “I can’t ask for forgiveness.”

“No, but you can earn it. And if I know you, Lena Luthor, you will do your damndest to earn it. This time, do it face to face, not in the shadows playing guardian angel.” She smiled, patting my blanket covered knee before moving towards the door. “One more thing, fuck Lillian. I truly believe she was jealous you found the love she always thought she deserved.”

I laughed, nodding as Claire left the room. I let out a slow breath, closing my eyes as the adrenaline and pain killers continued to work slowly out of my system, replacing the fuzzy feeling with waves of nagging pain. I hurt. I hurt like a hell and honestly had no idea how I was going to go home, alone, to my empty penthouse and wait for my body to heal. I was used to being alone, but not hurt and one arm down.

“Surgery, tomorrow? I just signed off on the first one. Well, Alex did that for me after I passed out.” Kara fluttered into the room, her hands jammed deep into her pockets. Her eyes were trained to the floor as she moved to the edge of the bed, looking out the window. “I thought we were taking you home in the morning.” Her voice shook ever so slightly under her strong tone. Even her voice had gain an edge over the years.

“I can’t fly for a week with my lung as it is.” I stared at Kara’s back, focusing on her shoulder and the bullet wounds hiding under her shirt. “The surgery tomorrow is to replace the steel pins in my arm with biologically friendly ones. It should lessen my healing time by four weeks.” The tension in the room was thick with everything unsaid between us. “I can arrange to fly you and Alex home.”

I watched Kara roll her shoulders before turning to face me. She was tired, her eyes red and bleary, her cheeks were flushed from the constant pacing. “When was the first time you helped me? Syria?”

I picked at a fingernail, dried blood still stuck under it. “The congo. The hospital you were taken to, I had a few research scientists there, conducting vaccine trials. They recognized your name and panicked, thinking you were there to investigate this top secret project. A memo floated across my desk. I took the first flight out that night. I watched from afar as you strolled out of the place, limping from the stab wounds. After that, it wasn’t that hard to track you. You happened to fall in the same circles of hell I was working in. Biomedical research often goes hand in hand with war torn countries.” I paused, feeling my heart race at how cold and creepy I sounded. “Kara, I.”

“So, it looks like I have about eight and half years to make up for.” She gave me a small smile and rushed out of the room, leaving me very confused.

A handful of odd minutes passed before I gave up, thinking I pissed the woman off and was left in the awkward silence. I reached for my tablet, set on sending Alex a message to please take me up on the offer to fly them home, when Kara burst back in the room, carrying a small plastic bag from the gift shop in the hospital lobby.

“Alex is on her way to the airport, she’s going to hitch a ride on her fancy FBI jet.” She moved to the edge of the bed, setting the bag down as she rummaged through it. “Cat is a bit pissed at me, but when I offered to write a full blown article about the steel mill explosion, along with one of my unpublished ones I never gave the times, but I’m now working remotely.” She pulled out a thick sweatshirt with a gaudy image of Big Ben on the front. “Your doctor pointed me in the direction of a few clothing shops up the street. I’ll have to go in the morning to at least buy some underwear.” She pulled out a small travel toothbrush kit. “She gave me the info for the apartment you rent when you’re in town, I figured I’d pay to have the place saved for us for the next few weeks. It was pretty embarrassing when I called the owner’s phone number and was directed to your assistant back in National City, Jess.” She cocked an eyebrow my way as she reached into the bag one last time, pulling out a small black stuffed cow wearing a doctors coat, holding a _get well soon_ , sign. “The nice lady in the shop said this is a Kerry cow, from Ireland.” Kara set it next to my good left hand.

My fingers brushed the soft material. “You’re rambling, Kara.” I spoke softly, fighting a grin.

She sighed, closing her eyes as she fixed her glasses. “Okay. So, I’m staying here. With you. Dr. Cates told me you would need help moving around, since your right arm is pretty useless and will be until your weird nubis metal takes over. I don’t need to work in an office, I haven’t had an office for ten years and I find them useless and wasteful. Cat may be my boss, but I also know you’re the major stakeholder, so that makes you more my boss, and if I’m taking care of you, that counts as work related activities. I have money, a lot of it, so I can pay for things you need. I never needed money in the middle of the desert, or at all. I just buy really nice clothes that make me feel weird, and super uncomfortable shoes.” She glanced at her shoes, the laces untied and tucked into the side. She bit her bottom lip. “I’m really nervous, Lena.”

I blinked back the tears as I saw glimpses of my old Kara slip out and collide with the tough, hardened woman standing before me. “I own the apartment and rent it out when I’m not traveling. I have a warm library I use as an office, and you’re more than welcome to it. I’d prefer it if you kept me out of the steel mill story, or not write about it at all. It was a moment in time, nothing more.”

“I almost lost you, Lena. It’s more than nothing.” Kara spat the words out, frowning when she looked up and saw me flinch. “Um, sorry.” She ran her fingers along her forehead. “Kismet. You remember kismet?” She cleared her throat as she grabbed a chair and pulled it towards the bed.

“I do. I remember being swindled by that old woman, claiming she was a psychic, saying kismet would always bind us together.” I picked up the cow, pulling him close to my chest to pull some of the nervous energy away from my heart. “At the time, I felt it was fifty dollars lost to the wind and an old woman’s whiskey habit. But now.” I looked at Kara. “Kismet.”

She nodded, fidgeting with the gaudy sweatshirt. “I don’t know how to do this, how to let you in and find a new normal. But, I can’t stop running towards you. I can’t stop reading any article I can find about you, I can’t stop thinking about you, no matter how much it feels good, and how much it hurts.” She tucked her hand into a pocket. “I also booked a hotel room down the street from your apartment. I can come by and check on you.”

Her blue eyes searched mine, searching for something, something neither of us knew what she was looking for. But Kara was opening a door, and a way out. She was giving me a choice where I never gave her one. I also knew she was asking for permission. I squeezed the little cow, hoping my voice didn’t shake when I spoke. “Stay with me, please?” I watched her shoulder’s relax minutely. Her eyes brightening up, chasing away a piece of the heavy clouds I’d seen every day since our orbits collided in National City. “We can catch up, in between long naps.”

Kara bit back a grin, nodding. “I do love long naps, and it’s been a few years since I took one.” She took a deep breath, letting it out as she moved the chair closer to me. “Um, you should rest. Dr. Cates scheduled your surgery for first thing in the morning.”

I smiled, my heart pounding so hard, I thought my ribs would shatter. “Feel free to get yourself settled at the apartment. Shower, nap, and order something to eat. I have a standing account with every restaurant in the city.” I reached for the tablet, sending Kara the access code. “Type in the code and hit pound twice, the door will unlock and then lock behind you after twenty seconds. I’ll have Claire call you when I’m out of surgery. I can be discharged within the hour after.”

Kara’s phone dinged. She swiped it open, tapping my new message as she spoke. “I’ll figure out food, and might go grocery shopping. You’re probably still really bad about eating at home and keeping your shelves stocked.” She paused, glancing at me as she saw the code. “101610?”

“Yes. Just type that in and press pound twice.” I almost made a side comment about getting her head checked out, when it hit me. “Kara, I…”

She smiled, standing up and tucking the phone in her back pocket. “Every single password I’ve had for the last eleven years, 102488. I’m shocked I haven’t been hacked and my fortunes stolen.” She scooped up the sweatshirt, jamming it back in the bag before she looked at me again. “Tomorrow?”

I fought to hold in my tears. “Yes, tomorrow. Thank you, Kara.” I cleared my throat, my cheeks flushing with heat as she smiled and left the room.

The second I was alone, I covered my mouth, the tears running free.

10/16/2010 was the day I met Kara for the first time and fell in love.

10/24/1988 was my birthday, a day Kara declared the year we met, as a day she would never forget. It was the day her heart was born.

* * *

XXXX

Kara

Her apartment was bland, and I knew bland. Sleeping in sandy foxholes or barracks made out of rotting plywood and tarps, set me up to fully understand the definition of bland. But Lena’s apartment could put any hovel I slept in, to shame. It was nothing like her fancy penthouse in National City. At least there, there was life, art, books, and the newly worn spots in the floor where I knew she spent nights pacing as she tried solving the next world crisis.

This apartment, which she used more often than I expected when her doctor helped me get Lena inside after discharging her, just felt dead and cold. The small library held the only signs of life, and that was a cluttered desk full of papers, files, books, a whiteboard filled with her messy handwriting stood next to the window. Everywhere else I inspected was void of warmth, and it left me wondering a million things. One being how insane I was to stay with her.

I let out a slow breath, moving to the kitchen to put away the groceries I bought while Dr. Cates got Lena settled in her giant bed. I was thrown off by the way Dr. Cates stared at me with a knowing smile, sparking the jealousy hidden in the deep corners of my heart. Making me wonder if her and Lena had more than a patient doctor relationship. I huffed, shaking my head, and thought about something else, when an old memory of the days when Lena and I would bicker about how terrible my tiny queen sized bed in my apartment was. She didn't care that I lived in a crappy apartment in Brooklyn, she hated my bed. She complained she always felt cramped and trapped in it's small size, but never, ever let go of me when she stayed at my place. Curling into me like she was a koala bear, her head finding it's spot on my chest as she slept like a rock. It was also suspicious she hated my bed, but we spent more time in my apartment than her brownstone over on the better part of the city.

As I smiled through the memory, my heart skipped, my mind reaching down to smack it, screaming, this was crazy! It was crazy to stay with Lena, take care of her when we were still on shaky footing, but then again, I wasn’t known for solid sane choices. I had the stories and scars to prove it. I knew my heart was speaking for me as I operated on adrenaline in the hospital, desperately afraid to fly back to National City without her. I’d never admit that fact to Alex, even as she gave me the fourth degree about owning my feelings and finally talking to Lena. I scoffed, claiming Lena and I had talked, to which Alex slapped the back of my shoulder, telling me awkward outbursts and passing out wasn’t considered talking in polite societies.

We needed to talk. We had to talk. We couldn’t tip toe around the little snippets of our past we both held onto. I almost passed out when Lena rattled off her door code like it was a losing lottery number. Shoving another shard of my heart back together. My anger and fighting my heart was becoming more and more difficult. Last night, I sat in the middle of the guest bedroom, staring out the window as the sun set, rose, and set again, thinking about how close I came to losing the center of my world. Yes, she was a source of anger for many years, but since I saw her in the train station, and every time after that, I started to fight the anger.

Shutting the last cabinet door, I walked to the master bedroom. Dr. Cates mentioned Lena would be in and out as the anesthesia wore off, but to check on her and make sure she wasn’t moving her arm too much. Pushing the door open, I smiled at the sight of Lena sleeping like a fairytale princess. Laying in the middle of her giant bed, her arm propped up on a thick pillows. The only glaring difference was the wild bed head bun on the top of her head. My feeble attempt to keep her hair out of her face, knowing she hated when her hair touched her face when she didn’t feel well. Another far away memory that resurfaced with many others.

I walked over, gently sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling her blankets up to cover her. I reached towards her cheek brushing a few loose strands of hair back, when Lena stirred awake, scrunching up her face as her eyes flickered open.

“The bionic woman awakes.” I grinned, feeling my heart skip when those green eyes locked on mine.

“I feel floaty.” Lena blinked a few times, looking at her arm. “I can’t feel my arm.”

“That’s the drugs and the strange healing technology of your fancy metal. Apparently, it reacts to your nervous system, shutting down pain receptors if the metal notices you’re in great pain.” I covered her hand gently with mine, expecting it to be cold, only to find it very warm. “How are you feeling? Aside from floaty?”

Lena stared at me, her eyes were glossy from the pain killers, but the intensity was there. “You’re here.”

I nodded. “I am.” I went to move my hand, when Lena’s fingers brushed against mine, trying to her best to grab them. I gently picked her hand up, laying it in my palm, letting her squeeze my fingers.

“You made me so happy, Kara.” Her voice was raspy from the drugs, slow as she had to fight the haze to find her words. “For two years, you gave me the sun. Lillian, she hated seeing any of her children happy outside the cold world of being a Luthor. Especially the bastard daughter who defied her by merely existing.” Lena blinked heavily, sleep sneaking its way back in to claim her for a few more hours. “The week before, before I left, I announced to Lex and Lillian I was planning on leaving the family. Disowning myself from them.” She paused, looking at our hands. “Lillian threatened to ruin you as I packed my bags, stumbling across something I hid from her, but she found the receipts, and the box I hid in the floorboard. She lost her mind, and threatened to have you kicked out of school, banned from every decent college in the country. Then blackballed at every news publication, including the Midvale Gazette. She threatened to have Alex removed from the FBI academy, fabricating a criminal record your sister would never be able to disprove.”

I remained silent, my stomach twisting in knots as my anger reignited, but towards a different Luthor. “You should rest, Lena, we can talk later.”

She shook her head, closing her eyes. “I won’t have the courage later. I see what I’ve done to you, Kara. It’s time for answers.” She opened her eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Lillian gave me an ultimatum, I could have you, but you’d have nothing you dreamed of. Your family would be ruined, and I couldn’t do that.” She looked at me. “I loved you so much, Kara. I didn’t know what I was doing when I left. I thought I was saving you. I wasn’t.” Her eyes fell to the weird pink patch of skin on my palm. “I chose fear over love.” She smiled weakly, pulling her hand away from mine. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.” Her eyes drooped close, succumbing to the lingering drugs in her system.

I stared at her for a few minutes, clenching my jaw. I wanted to fly to Lillian’s prison, ask Alex to turn the cameras off, and put the woman through her paces. I’d always known it was Lillian who pushed us apart, but as I listened to Lena spill out the truth, it burned my soul. I was sure Lena left me because I didn’t fit the Luthor portrait. The middle class orphan who loved volunteering and could care less about elegance and money. It never occurred Lillian would blackmail her own child, holding the lives of me and my sister hostage. Making Lena choose and break her heart and mine.

“Fuck.” I stood, leaning over to kiss Lena on the forehead, mumbling against her skin. “You already had my forgiveness.” I leaned back, watching her sleep. “I love you, Lena. So much.”

I walked out of her room towards her library. I sat down, firing up my laptop I sent a message to Alex, asking her to find the prison Lillian was housed at. I then opened a new blank document and started writing, writing out the feelings of the last ten years and the last few weeks.

It was time I started telling my own truths.


	10. chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one, i've been a little under the weather and desperate for naps. These two talk a little and stuff, read on and enjoy!

Lena

The downside to the nubis metal pins, was the subtle hum the metal made as it ran it’s hourly diagnosis of the break in my arm. A normal human would never hear it, but the human who created it could hear and feel every tiny flaw I needed to work out. The combination of the anesthesia wearing off and the hum, I woke up in the middle of the night, completely restless and sore. I didn’t want to look at the time, knowing it would frustrate me. Normally, if I woke up in the middle of the night, I’d default to working until it was time to head to the office, or I fell asleep at my desk. With my right arm out of commission, work was not an option. Going to the bathroom alone might become an impossible feat.

I slipped out of bed, struggling to stand up without smacking my arm. I had to take a deep breath for the first few steps, my entire body had been battered when I was thrown to the floor during the explosion. I was fearful of what my body would look like in the shower, thinking about covering the mirrors with towels.

As I reached the end of the bed, I paused at the sight of blonde hair spilling across the rug under my bed. I took another step, revealing Kara sleeping on the floor with a single flat pillow and one of the smaller blankets I used as decoration. She was curled up in a ball, her brow furrowed as she slept in a very defensive position. Her arms crossed, hands tucked up near her chin. The sight made my heart drop as I slowly knelt down, using the bed as crutch, and reached for her shoulder. “Kara.” My voice was a raspy whisper as I gently shook her. “Kara.”

Her eyes flicked open, wildly searching the dark room, rolling over and away from my hand. “I’m awake, is everything okay?” She scooted to sit up, still looking around the room, at the door, before focusing on me. “Lena?” She hopped to her feet, reaching for me.

I let her grab my elbow and lift me to my feet, using her to steady my balance. “My arm woke me up.” I smiled, lifting my arm as the metal pins whirled to adjust to the movement. “I wanted to make some tea, or walk around. I think my mind is bored with laying down, it’s starting to crave anything interactive to burn off it’s excessive energy.”

Kara nodded, running her hands through messy hair. “I can make you tea. Let me walk you to the living room.” She looked angry as she reached for her glasses set on the small end table by the door, telling me she had willingly laid on the floor in my bedroom and fallen asleep. “I think I left an old movie on pause on the TV.” She linked my good arm in hers as she walked us towards the living room.

I glanced at her, the angry look still on her face, even as her tone was gentle and caring. “Are you okay, Kara? I can manage if you’d like to go back to sleep.”

She forced a smile as we neared the couch. “I’m fine. You woke me up right on the edge of a nightmare, so I should thank you.” She helped me to sit, grabbing a large blanket tossed along the back, laying it over my lap. “I bought some lavender tea, would you like that? I’d offer a stiff drink, but I had strict instructions from your doctor to keep you away from the scotch for a few more days.”

“Lavender is perfect, thank you.” I shifted, laying my arm on a pillow as I watched Kara shuffle to the couch, her shoulders hunched. I wanted to say something, ask about her nightmare, ask why she was sleeping on the floor, but wasn’t sure if I should.

“It’s really hot, I haven’t figured out how to change the settings on your electric kettle.” Kara set down a steaming cup of tea and a bottle of water on the table in front of me, also setting down a scone with the orange pill bottles Claire sent me home with. “You slept through the last dose. I didn’t have the heart to wake you up when you finally fell back asleep.” She cleared her throat, chewing on her bottom lip. “Um, sorry about, the floor.” She waved a hand towards my bedroom.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, Kara. I’ve asked far too much from you these last few days.” I stared at the mug, funneling the tension into how I was going to logistically pick up a steaming hot mug of tea without dumping it everywhere. “If the guest bed is uncomfortable, I can switch with you, or I can sleep in the chair in the office. I’ve done both numerous times, and found it to be fairly decent accommodations.” I leaned forward, reaching for the painkillers as my body started taking stock of every little ache and pain it inherited, making me regret getting up in the first place.

Kara’s hand shot out, grabbing the bottles and the tea as she sat on the edge of the table, moving closer to me. “I’m sorry, you’re right handed, and your right hand is immobile.” She opened the bottles, shaking pills out, laying them in my open palm. She waited for me to pop them in my mouth before handing me the water. She kept her eyes on my arm for an awkward beat. “I fell asleep in the office while working. I woke up when I heard you crying. I rushed into the bedroom, freaking out.” She waved at my arm. “Then I heard the pins moving your arm and I don’t know. I didn’t know what I could do.” She sighed. “Dr. Cates told me the pins would move, adjusting the bones to prevent scar tissue growth. She told me you’d be in pain, but wouldn’t notice it.” She paused, still staring at my arm.

“The nubis metal has a built in anesthetic, it’s still very rudimentary. I get caught in an odd limbo where I can and cannot feel the pain. It’s my way of not fully shutting down the nervous system, just an attempt to bypass it.” I picked at the label on the water bottle. “I should’ve asked Claire to explain it thoroughly.”

Kara nodded, still refusing to look in my eyes. “I sleep better on the floor when I’m nervous, scared. It’s a weird grounding thing. It’s like my brain is more receptive to letting me sleep, knowing I’m prepared to jump to my feet and run if I have to.” She pushed her glasses up, finally meeting my eyes. “I wanted to be close if you needed me.”

I blinked, desperately holding back tears. “Kara, if this is too much…”

She shook her head, laying a hand on my forearm, her warmth soaking into my skin like the sun. “Lena, I told you’d I’d stay.” She took the water bottle, switching it with the now warm tea. “Drink this and then we’ll take a short walk around the apartment before getting you back to bed. You need rest.”

“So do you, Kara.” I said it softly, hoping not to jostle the very tentative air between us. There was more to what Kara was saying.

She chuckled. “I haven’t slept a full night in over ten years, rest isn’t in my repertoire.” She leaned back, picking at the same label I had been as she chewed on her bottom lip.

“Kara, you can talk to me.” I sipped the tea, closing my eyes at the taste. Kara still remembered exactly how I took my tea and the simple act made me want to cry.

“Splash of cream, two raw sugar and two counter clockwise stirs.” Kara mumbled. “No matter how hard I tried, so much of you was burned into my soul. I couldn’t forget it, or cut it out of me. I’d always see you in the world, even if I was at the literal end of it. I’d see your favorite flower growing out of a bomb crater, find the weird black tea you loved in a market in Morocco, see your eyes in the emeralds of Afghanistan, and hear your voice in the wind.” She looked at me, her eyes mapping out my face. “For every silly movie I saw, every book I ever read, they all said running away wasn’t the answer. But my heart, it hurt so much, I couldn’t breathe. I stopped breathing the second the door closed behind you. It’s as if you took all of the oxygen with you, leaving me to suffocate in a gasping misery.” She turned to look at the large window covered by curtains, a sliver of the city lights peeping through. “I knew I wasn’t the idea Lillian wanted. I wasn’t a match for a Luthor. I was a girl from a small town, too much hope, too eager to change the unchangeable. I knew the moment I connect your last name to them, it was a matter of time. It was inevitable your family would step in and push me out.”

“Kara, I.”

She shook her head. “I don’t blame you anymore.” She tugged the sleeves of her worn oversized FBI sweatshirt of her hands. “I did blame you for years, all the way up until I tucked you in this bed and you rambled under the influence, telling me a few things.” She frowned. “I’m an idiot. A fool. And for that I’ve paid a million times over. I’ve been stabbed in the Congo, beaten in Thailand, survived a plane crash in the Ukraine and almost froze to death, I’ve been blown up four times. Twice in Syria, once in Afghanistan, and South Africa. I almost died in Russia and have fought my way out of at least twenty different countries. All for what?”

“You saved lives, you helped arrest very bad people, doing very bad things.” My voice wavered as I spoke. “I read all the reports of what you did, you’re a hero, Kara. Not a fool.”

She laughed, shaking her head. “I’m not a hero.” She stood up, walking towards the window. “A hero would’ve chased after you, stood up to your mother, fought to keep you. Instead, I took the coward’s way out, hoping the further I ran, the more I’d forget you.” Kara pressed her hands against the window. “I never forgot you. Every October, I made sure I landed in New York for the day. I’d go to our station and stand, watching the crowds move in and out. I don’t know why, it just became an odd ritual and in some ways, I wanted you to show up. Walk off the A line, look for me, find me, and smile.” She let out a slow breath, tears edging around her voice. “And every year I was relieved you didn’t. I had no clue how I’d ever handle seeing you again when the last memory I had was of us screaming at each other.”

I felt the tears roll down my face, my heart pounding as it hurt. I had a spotty memory of what I told her as she tucked me in bed after Claire brought me home from the hospital. “I destroyed us to protect you. If anyone is the fool, it’s me.” I could’ve fought Lillian, left the family, since in a years’ time after walking out on Kara, Lex was arrested for attempted mass murdered and Lillian was charged as an accessory along with her numerous financial crimes. It took me two more years to start acting as Kara’s shadow, following her, fearful to reveal myself. “I saw the hurt and anger I put you through. I saw the way my actions changed you.” I paused, leaning forward to set the tea down. “When you were hurt in Syria, I sat by your bedside, planning to be there when you woke up. Be there for you and ask for forgiveness.” I frowned, focusing on the pins in my arm for a moment. “I’d stepped out of your room to check on the others injured with you, and when I came back in, you were talking to your photographer.” I smiled tightly at the memory.

“I was pissed off that morning, beyond cranky. I really hate being blown up, it takes days for my hearing to go back to normal.” Kara turned to look at me, her eyes glassy. “The first thing I saw when I woke up, was the cover of that month’s Catco. Some nurse had left it on my bedside table.” Kara clenched her jaw. “You were on the cover with Caleb, announcing your engagement. I was in pain and couldn’t hold in my feelings of you settling for a frat boy who was well beneath you.” She tipped her head down. “I let my jealousy have its day, and I know what I said wasn’t nice.”

“I was selfish, silly, and settling.” I scooted to the edge of the couch, pushing myself up. “But I was never engaged to Caleb, we had three dates before he saw my heart was elsewhere. It was Lillian and her feeble attempt to ruin a merger with another company I was working on. Caleb was, is, a good friend who helped me get into places I couldn’t. Places where you were, Kara.” I stood up, taking a step towards Kara. “I never, ever love anyone like I loved you, Kara. I’d never give my heart to anyone but you.”

Kara looked up, immediately moving towards me as I stumbled. “Lena, you should sit down.”

“I’ve sat long enough.” I took her hand, gripping it, soaking up her strength. “I was a fool who didn’t deserve the sunshine of a small town girl, I didn’t realize what I had with you. I know that now. I don’t care about preserving my elegant upbringing, or maintaining the air of a Luthor. I’m half a Luthor, the other half is from a small town in Ireland where everyone smiles and says hello.” I took a steady breath. “I don’t know why fate and kismet thought now was the time to bring us back together, but I’m not going to ignore this. I’m not going to ignore the energy between us.” I glanced at the closet where my briefcase sat. And in that briefcase, in a hidden pocket, sat my precious research files and a small box with worn and faded edges. A box that survived Lillian’s wrath and Lex trying to blow the Luthor manor to pieces. “I’m not running anymore. If you decided to scream at me, I’ll stand and take it. If you want to pour your heart out, and only ask me to listen, I’ll sit with you. If you want me to leave you alone for another ten years, I will do it.” I went to pull my hand from hers. “But I will always be a phone call away.” Kara tugged my hand, reluctantly letting go. “Please, you don’t have to sleep on the floor. I’ll give you my bed, or I’ll buy a new one for the guest room.” I wobbled, the painkillers starting to sink into my system. I stepped away, turning to head back to my bed. “I should lie back down before I topple over.”

Kara nodded, swallowing hard as she tipped her head down and took my elbow. “I’ll help you get comfortable.” Her voice trembled, and by the way her bottom lip scrunched up, she was fighting back her tears.

“Thank you.” I whispered, forcing a smile for her when all I wanted to do was sit on the floor against my bed and cry until I couldn’t breathe. Hearing her casually list her injuries, knowing they were far more than a tick off a list, destroyed me.

We walked the last few steps in silence, the tension ebbing and flowing with as. It was as if for every little secret we slipped free, the tension would escape like a wild balloon, then build back up.

After settling me in the bed, Kara disappeared, coming back a minute later with more water and my meds. She bent down, grabbing the pillow and blanket she used from the floor.

“There’s proper blankets and pillows in my closet. Please, use those instead of those silly decoration pillows my interior designer talked me into purchasing. Something about minimalist feng shui.” I wiggled under the covers, shivering as I yawned.

Kara gave me a soft smile, shuffling to the large closet. She blindly reached in, pulling out a heavy blanket and one of the fluffiest pillows in the collection. She laid them in the stiff chair right by the bed. “I’m want to sit with you until you fall asleep, I promise to not sleep on the floor, but I’ve grown fond of sleeping in chairs.” She pushed her glasses up, glancing at me. Her eyes were betraying the smile on her face. She had so much to say, but held back. It was one of her few tells. Her eyes always dimmed behind a bright smile when she was avoiding.

“Kara, I’d argue the scientific and medical disadvantages of sleeping in hard furniture, but I’m barely coherent and might just ramble about how much I hate the chairs in this apartment.” I yawned again, wishing I could grab her, pull her in my arms and force her to lay down with me. Just like we used to in a drafty apartment in Brooklyn. She was so warm, so soft and yet so strong. I always felt so safe with her next to me.

I turned, catching Kara watching me. “I’ll be right back, Lena.” She rushed out of the room as I slid further down the bed, resting my arm on a pillow as I tugged the blankets up over my shivering body.

“The first time I saw you on campus, it was five days before we officially met. I was running down the hall, late for my medieval literature class. I hate that class, the professor made everything so boring. How do you make the story of Arthur and the knights of the round table boring?” Kara walked to the chair, pulling it closer to the edge of the bed as she sat. “You were talking to Professor Garner. The head of psychology. You were laughing, a big grin covering your face. You looked at me for a literal half second, but when your eyes met mine, it was like opening pandora’s box. I didn’t stop, I kept running, but as I ran into the classroom, my heart told me life was about to change.” She chuckled. “And it did.”

I remember the whirl of blonde hair as Kara ran past me, but it didn’t register until a few days later when I bumped into Kara in line at the campus bookstore. She grinned at me, fidgeting with her glasses, and for two years, I never went a morning without a Kara Danvers grin to greet me before my coffee.

Kara leaned over in the chair, moving her hand inches away from mine, her fingertips barely brushing the edge of my palm. “Ask me anything, Lena. Please. I don’t know how to do this if you don’t ask. I have so much trapped inside of me.” She reached down, grabbing something before she set a stack of journals on the bed. “If you don’t want to ask, you can read these. It’s everything.” She paused, biting her bottom lip.

I blinked back tears, covering her hand with mine. “Read them to me?” I squeezed her hand, fighting off another yawn. “Please?”

Kara turned her hand up, slipping her fingers in between mine. “Okay.”

My eyes closed on their own. I fought to open them, but as Kara started reading, the sound of her voice mixed with the painkillers, I lost. I fell asleep, Kara’s hand in mine and some of the weight I’d carried around my heart, fading with every breath.


	11. chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And heres some more! I found some energy and had a thought or two, resulting in a new update! Happy new year! And here's hoping 2021 isn't the rolling dumpster fire of wtf 2020 was. Enjoy, read on, and stay safe! It's a shorter update, but it gets heavy for a minute.....

_Kara_

_October 16 th, 2010 _

_Her name is Lena. And I think….it’s love at first sight. First smile? I don’t know. I can’t think past how incredible her eyes are, and how pleasant she is even after I practically threw my pile of notebooks and pens on her. Her smile, wow. Just wow!_

_Alex is right, I’m super clumsy. Running into walls and beautiful women._

_But I’m meeting Lena at the library after my morning class. She’s letting me borrow How the Other Half Lives textbook I need for my advanced journalism course, saving me a precious $145._

I looked up to find Lena asleep, taking deep breaths as her medications worked their magic and pulled her into a restful sleep. I let out a slow breath, using my finger as a bookmark in the journal. It wasn’t the journal I wanted to start with. It was the other journals, the ones with dirty pages, worn edges and stains across the leather cover, I wanted, needed to read from. Those were the ones I needed to pull out of my heart, page by page, and give them to someone else before they sat in silence with me.

But of course, kismet had me reaching for the journal I kept for that first year Lena exploded into my life. The first entry was that dumb day when I crashed into her in line at the bookstore, flustered from the high price of being a college student in the Big Apple. I panicked over the price of the necessary texts for my core classes. My savings from summer jobs was dwindling fast, and working two jobs barely covered food. I literally smashed into her, knocking her over with all the crap in my hands and hers.

I smiled, leaning back in the chair as I set the journal on the floor, reaching for the others. They looked like ragged soldiers next to the happy clean college years. My smile faded at the sight of the first journal. The worn sticker of The Times logo, curled at the edges, threw me back seven years in the blink of an eye. I ran my fingers over the scarred leather, feeling every ridge, scratch and dip, connecting each one to a similar scar, ridge, or scratch on my body.

Staring at the cover, I chewed on the inside of my cheek, hesitating. I knew opening the cover, flipping these pages and the thousands after, would open a series of doors I kept locked inside of me. There was pain, blood, darkness, and the slow spiral into becoming the woman I am now. My therapist calls me a survivor, I call me a dumbass.

It was her suggestion to open these journals and read them. Read them alone, or read them to Alex, Winn, anyone I trusted enough to pry open the locked doors. I’d shoved the journals in my bag the morning I woke up after my nightmare about Lena dying. It didn’t make sense why at the time, maybe I was building the courage to pull the trigger and ask someone to indulge my insanity and listen to all the dumb shit I did over the years.

And yet, I didn’t choose any one of them. Alex would freak out and poke at me until I showed her all the scars I hid. Winn would cry. Sweet, sensitive, Winn. Everyone else would probably stare at me like a circus animal, repeating vapid sentiments of how strong and incredible I am. It would be fake, thin, and not what I needed to rip the band aid off.

So, I choose the woman laying in the bed across from me. The woman who gave me the greatest joy I ever experienced, and followed it up with the greatest pain I’d ever experienced. The woman sleeping to the gentle hum of one of her greatest inventions. An invention that would change the world as soon as she perfected it.

“What am I doing?” I whispered to the walls, shaking my head as I glanced at the clock. It was almost six in the morning. The sun would be poking it’s head out, bringing on a new day. “Shit.” I pulled my hair back into a messy ponytail and scooted the chair closer to her bed. I set the journal on the duvet and flipped it open. I glossed over the first few entries about how it felt to sit on a cargo plane with this grizzled team of journalists I was assigned to. The excitement of seeing the jungle up close, the smells, the sounds and the adrenaline of the hunt for the story. I chuckled at baby me writing how I finally felt like a true journalist, sleeping in the back of a rusted out jeep in the Congo.

I turned another page, and the tiny dots of dried blood pulled me right back to the day. I let out a slow breath and started reading aloud to a sleeping Lena and the dimly lit walls of her bedroom. A very captive audience.

_June 6 th, 2013_

_I had to escape to the bathroom so the guys wouldn’t see me cry. They’re all so tough, rugged, worn. They call me little miss sunshine, always chuckling and offering to carry my gear. But they look at me different ever since I woke up. They look at me with worry, fear. Even Gibbs is nicer when he stopped by the hospital this morning. He’s never nice to anyone. After twenty years in war zones, I didn’t expect him to be._

_I brush off their concern, trying to be the tough girl, taking her licks as a form of induction into the team. My first battle scar as I called it. I have to be tough. I can’t run home, I don’t have a home. She was my home, and when she walked out…._

_But it hurts. It hurts so much, and burns like I’ve laid on an open fire. I didn’t see it coming, the knife. I barely felt it when it pierced my skin. I didn’t hear Sean yelling for me to run, the adrenaline was clouding my hearing. I was too focused on what I saw in that hut, the drugs, the US dollars piled up next to US relief crates. The tired Congolese women were stacking bricks of heroin and I was too excited to have my first real breakthrough on a story. I was too excited and too stupid to know I was in danger. I was too stupid to see him come up from behind._

_When the guard stabbed me, it felt like the time Alex poked me with the big tree branch in our backyard. Sharp, piercing, but it didn’t stop with Alex laughing and running away from me. The sharp, piercing pain went through to what felt like my ribs, and hurt like hell when he quickly pulled the knife out, stabbing me once more before I got my feet to respond and I started running towards Gibbs._

_I’ll always remember his face as he screamed for me to run, jumping off the back of the truck to come for me, digging in his backpack for the gun I know he carries in secret._

_I want to call Alex. I want to cry until I can’t breathe, and go home. But I know I can’t call Alex. She’s in her last week at Quantico. I can’t ruin this for her. I’ve ruined enough. I can hold it in. Gibbs is sending me back to New York in a day to get proper medical attention before infection sets in with the jungle heat and humidity. Jamie is helping get a ride to England first. She’s been so kind._

_I’ve been given time off to heal and go to Alex’s graduation. Then it’s off to Afghanistan to ride with a in-country USMC unit for two months._

_I want to call her. It’s only been four months. She won’t answer my calls, or texts. She hates me._

_What am I doing? What am I doing here?_

_June 9 th, 2013_

_I got my first headline! The story about the drug runners in the Congo will be in the Sunday extra magazine they send out to subscribers. It’s amazing! I’ll get an advanced copy and I can’t wait to send it to Eliza for her to frame._

_I ended up at City Hall Station on the way to the airport after my meeting. I had to walk out and walk five blocks to the next station. Everything still feels too raw. We met there every Thursday. I need to forget the past. I have a whole future ahead of me._

_June 14 th, 2013_

_I’m writing this sitting on the floor at Dulles. Alex graduated yesterday. I’m so proud of her. She’s a real agent and is moving to National City. I’m glad she’ll be closer to Eliza._

_She knows something is wrong, but I won’t tell her. She hugged me and pinched my stitches too hard and they started bleeding. She freaked out and tugged at my shirt. I brushed it off as a scrape from falling in the jungle. I saw the look in her eyes, she knows I’m lying. She knows I’m hiding something. I wouldn’t be surprised if she followed me to the emergency room in the middle of the night. I blew out my stitches and had to get new ones and a giant bottle of antibiotics._

_I left her party early to call my editor and push up my flight to Afghanistan. Everyone keeps giving me the sympathy pat and sad eyes, telling me they heard about the breakup. I just smile and nod, trying to avoid talking about it, talking about her._

_I hate lying to my sister. I hate lying to everyone._

“I saw you leave her party that day.”

I looked up, startled by Lena’s soft voice. She was staring at me with tired, glassy eyes filled with tears. I mumbled _shit,_ under my breath, wondering how long she’d been awake, and how much she heard.

“I just left the Special Agent in Charge handling Lex’s case. I had to give a deposition about what I knew of my brother’s activities before he tried to blow up the manor.” She paused, scooting to sit up in the bed, wincing as her arm hummed a delicate warning. “Who knew I’d be back there in a week to testify against my family when he blew up Metropolis.” She searched my face, blinking back tears. “I saw you rush out of the conference room, pressing your jacket to your side. I went after you, feeling as if this was the moment. Lex was in custody, they were searching for Lillian. I was five more months away from total freedom from her control.” She swallowed hard. “You called your friend, the doctor, and the tone in your voice. The love.” She smiled tightly, plucking at the duvet. “In that moment, kismet be damned. I’d lost you and someone else had captured your smile.”

I clenched my jaw, nodding. “She was a friend, a good friend. One I should probably call and tell her to stop checking the news every morning to see if the world finally ate me to pieces.” I glanced at my journal, knowing what the other stained pages held. “She wasn’t anything more.”

A heavy silence fell between us. I was on edge from peeling open the pages of the beginning, jiggling the lock to the first locked door of my life. I could almost smell the jungle, feel the heat of the small infection in my side and the way the stitches tugged when I moved. I clenched my jaw tighter as the sounds of Gibbs screaming at me, the guards footsteps running at my back, threatened to consume me. “Um.” I stood up suddenly, tossing the journal on my now empty chair. “I’ll get you some water. You should sleep for a few more hours.”

“Kara.” Lena reached for me with her left hand. “Wait.”

I shook my head, pushing my glasses up as I fought a wave of tears. I was half a breath away from breaking down, falling to the floor in a ball as I cried out the tears I swallowed in the Congo. In Syria. In Afghanistan. In Ukraine. “It’s fine.” I closed my eyes, swallowing the lump in my throat. I just needed to walk out of the room, then I could breathe.

“Kara. You can let go now. I’m not Gibbs, I’m not the guys. You don’t have to hide from me. I made a silent promise in the Congo when I watched you walk away, and again when I watched you walk away from Alex’s party, and every time after. I’m here now, I might not be able to hold you up with one arm, but I’m here.” Lena’s voice trembled.

My face scrunched up as I lost the fight, and a broken sob slipped past my lips. The tears quickly following. “It hurts. It still hurts.” My hand absently fell to my side where the bumpy ridge of scar tissue laid. “Why does it hurt?” I curled my hand, digging my fingers into the flesh, balling up the fabric of my shirt, wishing I could rip it out and the memories with it. I the tears ran down my cheeks, I let them, unable to stop the flood now.

I flinched when I felt a warm hand cover mine, Lena’s fingers pushing her way into mine to pull loosen their grip on my side. She pulled my hand free, curling hers into mine, squeezing it. “Kara.”

I hastily wiped my tears, moving to turn around. “Your arm, you should be careful.”

Her other hand slid across my waist, pulling me back into her warmth as her palm pressed against my stomach. I felt her cheek press against the scars on my shoulder, making me shiver. Another quiet sob escaped as I unconsciously leaned into her, my body missing her. “Kara. My pain will never equal yours. I can’t answer why it hurts with any ounce with my scientific knowledge and degrees.” She took a shuddering breath. “Let it out, let it out, Kara. Cry, I’m here to hold you now. Let me take some of it on. Please.”

The way her voice cracked at the end, shattered my strength and I let go. I cried, sobbed, and let out the shards of the Congo I kept trapped in my heart, clutching to her hand wrapped in mine.

And in that moment, I started kicking down the locked doors.


	12. chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slow burn and high angst. We continue on! Enjoy!

Lena

_October, 2014_

_I can’t really remember what day it is. The doctors said the concussion might cause fuzzy edges. I don’t know why I keep coming back here, aside from the mandatory meetings with my editor and the insurance team._

_New York is too loud now. There’s nothing but ghosts and people running without a purpose. I want to grab each one, tell them to stop and go home. Kiss their loved one, hug whoever, and stop._

_Life is too short._

_She’s not coming back._

_December 21 st, 2014_

_Alex sent me a ticket. I could go back to Midvale for Christmas. It’s been years and I miss them, but I don’t know how to shut the noise off. I can’t sleep at night without a knife under my pillow. I flinch if I hear a car backfire, or a balloon pop. I have a new set of stitches in my arm that I can’t hide with thick sweaters._

_How do I explain to Alex I pissed off a gang leader in Thailand, investigating a human trafficking ring based in Southeast Asia. He slashed me as a warning, caught my arm. Twelve stitches later and I’m sitting in an Army barrack trying to figure out where the hell to go next. I could take that puff piece on the Northern Lights up in Iceland. The cold would be a break from the stifling heat and stench of the jungles, the desert._

_I’ll just lie to Alex again. What’s one more._

I closed the journal, pressing my palm against the back cover. Kara was passed out next to me, curled in a ball, wrapped in every blanket I could pull out of the closet. She’d been freezing after breaking down, I refused to let her sleep anywhere but in my bed. I had to practically force her to lie down, even as she mumbled about being fine on the floor. But the second she collapsed on the soft mattress, she lost what little fight was left in her. She shivered uncontrollably as the adrenaline met with the weight of her opening up. I almost panicked, called Claire, but stopped myself. This wasn’t the first time I’d seen Kara in a shivering, incoherent ball. This was the first time I could do something for her and not stand in a corner, letting my team save her.

When she was warm and sleeping without a scrunched face, I slowly climbed into the bed next to her. I was tired and knew my body heat would keep her warm. I should’ve respected her boundaries and sat in the chair, but I couldn’t. I needed her to know she wasn’t alone, I was here, physically and emotionally. Never mind the selfish need I had to lay next to her, feel her body close by.

I couldn’t fall asleep after getting her settled, no matter how hard the meds and nubis pins pushed for me to slip away, my mind fought past that. Like it always did when Kara was in trouble and I’d slipped in through the dark of night to watch over her. I’d had the notion to work on a few projects while she slept for the magazine or read a book. Then I spotted her discard journals on the chair. Temptation was too much and I grabbed them, desperate to keep the doors Kara had opened, open.

She was far more broken than I’d ever imagined, and it went well past the handful of scars she kept hidden. I had to understand Kara now. I had to understand the things she went through that brought her back to me.

I had to understand what I’d done to her, so I could repair that damage.

But as I read her entries, I wanted to throw up. I wanted to wake her up and beg for forgiveness. I was the reason why she walked past the gates of hell to find peace. I sniffled, wiping away the tears as I set the journal on the bedside table. My body ached, my arm hurt, but it couldn’t compare to the pain the woman next to me had endured.

“I stopped hating you after my first concussion.” Kara had rolled over, her leg pressing against mine as her eyes blinked slowly open. “Maybe having my head bounced around like a ball helped change my point of view, I just stopped. I sat on the steps of the hospital in Paris, and the calm cool night made my skin tingle.” She motioned to the chair with a sleepy nod. “That’s in the next set, the first time I was blown up. My first concussion.” She looked at me, her eyes riddled with never ending exhaustion. “I let go. I thought if I survived being blown up, someone, somewhere was watching out for me and I should probably let the bullshit parts of my life go.” Kara yawned, curling deeper into the blankets. “I can go sleep in the other room.”

“You can stay here.” I reached over, brushing hair away from her forehead as I swallowed the weight of her words. “I couldn’t sleep and read a few more pages.”

Kara looked down, her hands twisting the edge of the blanket. “I know. I could hear the change in your breathing when you got to the rough parts, and your arm buzzes louder when you stress out.” She sighed. “I should’ve stopped in Paris. My editors offered me a desk job anywhere in the world. They loved what I was sending home, making the Times number one every week, but I had a knack of finding fire where there was nothing to burn.” She pushed up to sit next to me, tugging the blankets closer. “I had nothing to go home for. I didn’t want a desk job, I didn’t want to go home to Alex and have her interrogate me. I wasn’t as good at playing pretend as I am now. I was hard, raw. I’ve scared the toughest battle hardened marines. So, I kept going. Searching for a purpose.”

“You left Paris a day before I arrived. I couldn’t make it there in time when word of your injury got back to me. I wanted to be there for you.” I looked at Kara, noticing the dark circles under eyes and how thin she really looked. “I wanted to see Lillian’s face when her final sentence was issued, and the entire family business was handed over to the bastard child she never wanted.” I tried to smile, but even my own self deprecating humor fell flat in this moment.

“I hate Lillian.” Kara whispered, shaking her head as she continued to give the blanket hell, twisting it to the point of tearing. She took notice and let go of the blanket, pushing it back and quickly rolling out of the bed. “I’m sorry.” She grabbed her sweatshirt, throwing it over her head and shoved shaking arms through the sleeves. She rushed out of the room before I could stop her.

This was such tentative ground between us. It was as if we were both standing on the edge of a proverbial cliff, each one of us taking cautious steps away from the edge, and yet, at the same time, we rushed towards the edge. Ready to throw ourselves over in the name of asking for forgiveness, help and an end to the last ten years.

I stood up from the bed, pulling the covers up to make the bed. It was still very early, not yet light out, and I felt like I’d been up for weeks. Even the pins in my arms barked at me to rest and stop relying on them to do all of the work. There was no point going back to sleep with Kara out in the kitchen, rooting around in the cupboards for something to stress eat.

She had opened a door. A door that hid a lot of her pain, and I saw the suffering. The difficulty and understood why she kept her head down more than ever. She had the literal weight of the world on her shoulders.

I moved to the closet where my bags sat, and dug around in my briefcase until I found the worn leather bound journal. The poor thing was stuffed to the gills, the thin little leather strap doing it’s damndest to keep the journal together. It was old. Twelve years old, and had been the only thing in my life I carried religiously. It’d had been taken apart and rebound a thousand times as I added more and more blank pages. And it held my secrets.

I held it with both hands, my heart pounding at the memories of what was inside. I glanced at the secret hidden pocket of my briefcase, nodding as I whispered to the empty room. “Soon.”

I found Kara sitting in a chair by the large windows that looked out onto the city below my apartment. She was eating handfuls of miniature tea biscuits, a stern frown covering her face.

“I believe there’s the tiny doughnuts you adore in the pantry. Powdered and double chocolate.” I slowly moved into the room, hoping not to startle Kara.

“I ate all of them the night before you were released.” She looked at the crumbs covering her front. “Thank you for adding them to the list.”

“You’re welcome. I’m glad a few things remain the same.” I smiled and sat in the leather chair across from her, tucking my legs up and covering them with a blanket. I laid the journal on my lap and untied the poor string, pressing my palm over the front cover to prevent a mass expulsion of paper. “I hate Lillian, too.”

The corner of Kara’s mouth twitched into an almost smile as she looked away from the crumbs and back out the window. “I should get a watch. I never know what time it is anymore.” She shrugged. “Living in too many time zones I guess.” Her brow scrunched up, her jaw twitching as she fought off the tension in the room. As much as Kara had been through, she still hated conflict and confrontation.

I smiled, opening the journal, flicking through the neat stacks of envelopes. I selected one, slipping the thin sheet of paper out. I scanned over my handwriting, the lump in my throat growing in size. I cleared my throat and started reading.

_Kara,_

_You’re gone. I’m sitting in the middle of the empty apartment. It’s real. I did it. I pushed you away, and I don’t know where. Alex won’t speak to me, our friends just smile and avoid answering my questions. It’s been three weeks. Lillian despises me, and will not breathe the same air I do. I’m finally free of her._

_I heard a rumor through James you might be in Southeast Asia._

_I’m sorry. So sorry._

_Lena_

I set the letter to the side on the table next to the chair, picking up another one.

_Kara,_

_I thought I saw you in the café this morning. I thought it was your blonde hair, soaking up the sun as it poured through the windows. I thought it was you, but then I realized I was in the middle of London and you were last heard of in Israel. At least that’s what the Times said your next story would be coming from._

_It wasn’t you, just a polite woman who didn’t make me feel like I was a creep, tapping on her shoulder with teary eyes filled with hope._

_Every time the sun shines in this grey city, I think of you. I think of your smile, your bright blue eyes and how you looked at me._

_I miss you so much, my chest aches whenever I take a breath._

_Lena_

_Kara,_

_Last night I went to sleep a simple research scientist working out of a rented office space in Metropolis. This morning I wake up and find I now own Luthor Corp, Luthor industries, and have inherited all of my father’s money. Lillian and Lex were sentenced to multiple life sentences. And I became the sole heir to my father’s fortune. A hidden clause in his will to prevent the rest of the Luthor’s to abuse the world more than already have. I went from struggling with grocery bills to being the third wealthiest woman in the world._

_I wish you were here with me. Wiping away my tears like always, telling me how good and amazing I am. Telling me that Luthor name didn’t deserve me and I will always have you by my side. I wish you were here, telling me everything is going to be okay. I don’t know if I can do this alone._

_But it’s been two years. I ruined so much and I don’t know if all my money can fix what I broke between us. Even as I sat next to you, watching you sleep in the jungle hospital, fighting off a fever from the archaic antibiotics they gave you, I couldn’t find the courage to wake you up. Beg for forgiveness and tell you everything. I had another letter for you, but hesitated shoving it in your back pack._

_You’re stronger now, and I the weak idiot who collapsed under the pressure of a false mother._

_I still love you more than anyone in this universe._

_Lena_

I blinked back tears. That day I walked away from Kara in the congo was the second hardest day of my life. A day I swore to hide in the shadows until I could let her go. I set the letter on top of the growing pile of paper, moving towards the back of the stack.

_Kara,_

_Out of curiosity, I counted how many letters I’ve written you. Three thousand and forty five. Almost one for every day, and I never mailed a damn one of them. Even when I had your address. I never left one at your bedside, or stuffed one in a bag. Hoping you’d reach for your notebook and find me there, waiting for you to forgive me._

_It’s been ten years now. Ten long years without you. I’ve sat in the corner, building this world around me. I’ve built the Luthor legacy into one that stands for good. I have my own company like I always wanted, doing good in this world. I finally feel like I’m my own person. Strong, independent, living my life the way I want. Lillian answers to me. Lex blew himself up trying to escape prison, and as much as I adored him when I was younger, he wasn’t my family._

_You were, Kara. You were my family, my soul, my love. You were all I needed and I wish I could go back in time, back to that silly little girl who didn’t know any better, and tell her to fight. To choose you. To always choose you._

_I know you’re coming back to National City. I know you’re taking a job at Catco. We’re going to be in the same city after I hand over the New York office to my team here. We’re going to be working together if this merger works out. And my heart is racing a thousand miles a minute. It makes me think of Kismet and how we laughed like fools when the old woman spoke of our fortunes._

_I’m scared, because I want what I lost ten years ago. You._

_I can’t stand by and be the secret in the shadows, saving you, taking care of you, and watching you walk away and back into the fire. I want to grab you, hold you and give you every single one of these three thousand and forty five letters I wrote._

_I’m scared and tired of wanting you from afar._

_But do I deserve you?_

_I love you, Kara Danvers._

_Lena_

I cleared my throat, wiping at my cheeks before the tears ran down and stained the paper. “I wrote this the morning before I saw you in City Hall station.” I bit my bottom lip, holding the letter with trembling hands. “And then I saw you, and it was like the universe crashed down on my shoulders. When we locked eyes, it was the first time we actually looked at each other since I broke your heart.” I closed my eyes as the tears welled up. “I can’t go back in time, Kara. Even if I built the time machine I drew up years ago, I can’t go back. I don’t want to go back. The girl I was back then was foolish, stubborn.” I paused, swallowing a sob before it broke free.

“I wouldn’t go back in time, either.” Kara’s shaky voice floated to my heart. I opened my eyes to see her kneeling in front of me, giving me a soft smile. “I wouldn’t. Why? Because I like who I am now, underneath the scars and the bad dreams. Underneath all that is a woman who isn’t afraid. I’m not afraid to be heard in a crowded room of men. I’m not afraid to do the impossible, even when it seems incredibly impossible. I’m not afraid anymore, Lena. When I woke up, alive, I knew it was for a reason. No one escapes death as much as I have without a reason.” She took the journal from my hands, carefully closing it before placing it next to the letters. “You. You’ve always been my reason. I fell in love with you at first sight and when I told everyone you were it, the one, they laughed. You were my first real everything, the shine would wear off as the honeymoon phase evaporated into a tired routine. Then you left, and they told me that was my proof. I’d find someone else.” She moved closer, sitting up on her knees to be eye level with me. Hers eyes drifted towards my lips before looking back up. “I want to read every single letter you wrote me.”

I nodded. “They are yours.” I went to move, unnerved at how close Kara was and how much her warmth made me shiver. “I should make us a proper breakfast. I haven’t eaten real food since I woke up in the hospital and you cannot survive on cookies and doughnuts.” I went to stand, when Kara laid her hand against the side of my neck.

“Can I…” She paused, breathing slowly. She looked up, her eyes searching mine as her thumb ran across my skin.

I smiled, biting back tears, whispering “Yes.” Before I closed the gap between us and kissed her.

I felt her sigh against my lips as she kissed me back, and it was as if I’d stepped into that fabled time machine. Every tucked away memory I had of kissing her, flickered through my mind and slid down to my heart, making me smile against her mouth as I cradled her cheek in my palm. Kara’s tongue brushed against my bottom lip, a silent request I honored without a second thought. I’d been waiting a decade for this moment, I wasn’t about to relinquish a minute.

Kara parted first, nipping my lip as she panted. “Sorry. I couldn’t. I, uh.” She licked her lips, her cheeks flushed a bright red.

I shook my head, leaning forward to softly kiss her once more. “I love you, Kara Danvers. Now, later, forever.” I met her eyes, catching the flicker of panic. I leaned back, running my thumb under her bottom lip before dropping my hand away. “You don’t have to say anything. I just felt I had to say it before one of us is blown up again.” I looked away as my heart skipped with the tiniest fear. What if Kara didn’t feel the same? What if she couldn’t feel the same? And this was just a moment born out of raw emotion? I took a deep breath, moving away from her to push myself up out of the chair.

Kara frowned, swallowing hard as she stood up, offering a hand to help me up. “They say three times is the charm, and I’ve been blown up three times.” She shrugged, smiling, her cheeks now a bright pink. “I can make breakfast. You shouldn’t be using that arm as much. I can hear the angry buzzing in your arm.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “I was going to make eggs and bacon. My stomach needs more than sugary cereal and chocolate milk.” I grinned, remembering how Kara spent a year eating cereal for at least two meals a day. Grossing me out beyond belief when she ate a mixing bowl full of sugar mixed with chocolate milk.

Kara rolled her eyes, slipping her arm in my good one. “My photographer for my story on the polar ice caps, was a trained French chef. He taught me how to boil water and keep myself fed when cereal wasn’t on the shelves in the jungle.” She walked us towards the kitchen. “Let me cook for you, please.” She gently sat me down in the small breakfast nook, grabbing a pillow for me to set my broken arm on. “Claire messaged me. She’s cleared you for flight. Your metal healing bees in your arm, migrated to your lung and repaired the lingering damage from the collapse. You can go home tomorrow.”

I grabbed my phone, reading the email Claire had sent. The nubis pins had healed more than just my broken bone. My lung was better than new and would handle the flight back to National City. I typed out a quick reply, also emailing myself to read over my lab reports to isolate how the pins were spreading the nanotechnology through my body. I kept my eyes on my phone as I spoke. “We can go home tomorrow, Kara. Together.” I glanced at her. “They might be your letters, but I want to be there when you read them. And there’s something I want to show you.”

Kara set a pan on the stove. “Lena, it’s going to take me a minute to let go. Open up. I’ve kept everything behind so many locked doors, it’s going to be hard finding the keys.” She tipped her head down, fixing her glasses. “I don’t want you to think….”

“Kismet, Kara. That’s all I’m thinking of. Whatever comes next, it will be. I won’t ask for more until you’re ready.” I smiled, watching Kara’s shoulders relax as she nodded.

“Okay.” She turned to the fridge digging for eggs. “Scrambled? Or omelet? I can make both and put your beloved veggies in them.”

“Surprise me.” I set my phone down and watched Kara make me breakfast as she rambled about the time she almost burned the cottage in Iceland down trying to make a meatloaf. I sat and watched, listened, and fell deeper in love with Kara.

For all the pain and heartache of the last ten years, I wouldn’t trade it for a million wishes, especially knowing it would lead me back to this exact moment. The moment I stopped running and owned my fear. I had no idea what came next, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if that was the last time I’d ever kiss Kara again. I’d stopped the spinning started by Lillian and was living my way. I’d started the fight to get the love of my life back. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know, long time no update. But life got to me, dragged me into doing nothing but watching endless episodes of New Girl. The last year caught up to me and i just shut down for awhile. But, i think i see the light at the end of the tunnel, and managed to finally write something. It's still a slow burn, but next chapter there will be some angst that will light a fire under one of our beloved ladies to make a bold move. This chapter might be a bunch of nonsense, i just wrote and wrote. Enjoy!
> 
> Also, who else has the agatha song from Wandavision stuck in their head?

**Ten days later -**

“Kara?”

I snapped my head up, blinking away the fog I’d been swimming in since the editorial meeting started. “Yeah, sorry.” I smiled, squeezing my phone as I sat up. “Late night working on my latest article, and I can never shake jet lag for a few weeks.” I waved an absent hand around my head, pushing my glasses up. “You were asking about the article on the steel mill explosion?”

Sarah, the Editor in Chief for Catco and interim for Draoicht until one was hired, nodded. “Yes. We love it. We were just wondering if you were going to add in the interview with Ms. Luthor? We think it would be a great addition to next month’s issue.”

I bit the inside of my cheek. “No. I never interviewed Ms. Luthor, by her request. I only did the basics as a courtesy to Cat allowing me to take a few days off.” I rolled my shoulders, starting to sweat from all the eyes on me. “Ms. Luthor had specifically asked me not to interview her and focus on the heroic efforts of the rescue team, as well as propping up the fact the steel mill will be rebuild by Craidhe Tech and Paulson Brothers. A unified effort to rebuild the community.” I paused, watching the irritating idiot from accounting lean over to whisper in the ear of the person next to him, a shitty smirk on his face. “It’s all in the draft I submitted to you.”

Winn had told me the whispers in the office about Lena and I. The past had been drudged up from the pits of hell and was being passed around like a communion plate. The past merged with the new rumors Lena and I were closer that employee and employer, and when I walked into the office for the first time in two weeks, everyone was staring. And it made me nervous and pissed off. “Am I in trouble?” I glared at the idiot as he chuckled. Winn had pinpointed him as the main gossip hound around the office.

Sarah shook her head, following my eyeline to the idiot. “Not at all. We just needed to clarify so we can get the marketing correct.” She paused. “Steve? Is there a problem?”

He grinned at Sarah, smoothing down his tie. “Not at all, Sarah.” He looked my way. “I’m just trying to clarify the expense report Kara submitted.” He flipped a few pages.

I clenched my jaw. “It shouldn’t be hard. I spent ten dollars on coffee at the airport, the receipt is stapled to the top sheet.” I reached into my back pocket, digging out the change I shoved in there from this morning’s coffee run. I threw a twenty across the desk. “Here, keep the change.” I stood up, collecting my things. “Please don’t ask my friend about my personal life, Steve. It has nothing to do with expense reports or accounting.”

“Well, when you’re sleeping with the boss, expenses are no matter.” He mumbled under his breath, a little too loudly. I heard him, and the rest of the team heard him. Causing the silence in the conference room to thicken.

My jaw creaked from the tension of not punching Steve in the face. I pushed my glasses up. “Sarah, if you need me, I’ll be in my office. I have a interview scheduled in ten minutes.”

“Of course, Kara.”

I walked out of the room just a Sarah professionally began ripping Steve a new one.

Back in my office, I sat behind my desk, groaning as I desperately wanted to leave for the day. I knew I couldn’t, it was my first day back and I had to keep up the appearance I wanted to be here. Working on writing my next story. I glanced at my phone, i had six more hours before I could leave and not raise anymore suspicion.

I wanted to call Lena, but she had a doctor’s appointment for her arm. That’s what we were calling it, but I knew she was in a lab in one of her secret buildings, having the pins in her arm adjusted and a follow up on her lung.

I would be lying if I said things were completely fine between us. We kissed and had made up, and everything was roses and sunshine. But it wasn’t. The air shifted the second we landed in National City and we went our separate ways. Not on purpose, but because our lives were very different. She was pulled into emergency meetings for the steel mill rebuild and a few minor issues at Craidhe Tech. I dropped her off at her office and awkwardly stared at her until Alex’s ringtone bumped me out of the weirdness I knew I was creating. She gave me a small hug, probably sensing my stress, and promised to call me later. I missed her calls, buried in my journals and old files. I’d decided it was time to let go more and began tearing apart the notes from Afghanistan and St. Petersburg. I wrote throughout the night, struggling as I opened more doors to the past. Turning my phone off out of habit and turning to a bottle of whiskey to keep my mind a sliver on the right side of numb.

The weekend was lost to writing, and by the time I pulled my head above water, Lena had called four times, sent a handful of texts. Eventually they stopped, picking up whatever hidden hint I was trying to throw her way.

I sighed, rubbing at my temple, flipping my phone out of mild irritation. I was on edge. The writing had exposed raw nerves. Steve stomped on them, and now I wondered why I ever gave up traveling the world to sit at a desk, surrounded by idiots. I swiped open Lena’s message, typing before I changed my mind.

_-Hi. I didn’t disappear. I wrote and turned my phone off. I wrote about St. Petersburg and everything in between. There’s so much. Can I buy you lunch tomorrow?-_

My thumb wavered before I hit send.

“Kara?” Winn tapped on the doorframe, leaning his head in.

I looked up, trying to smile. “Hey.” I waved him in as I turned my phone over and shoved it to the side.

“Welcome back?” He flopped in the chair across from my desk.

“Is that a question?” I picked up a pen, writing on my calendar to keep my hand busy.

“You don’t look excited to be home. Or it could be the jet lag.”

“I’m tired. It was a long flight, and my body has never gotten adjusted to the different time zones it’s lived in. Right when I get a handle on time, it shifts.” I gave him a tight smile. “I’m assuming you’re in my office because someone, somewhere, heard the shit show that was the editorial meeting.”

“Steve was fired five minutes ago. He asked me for boxes to pack up his crap.” Winn chuckled. “He was due to be fired two years ago, but for some reason Cat Grant liked him.”

I shrugged. “Cat Grant likes me, it doesn’t mean anything.” I tossed the pen back into the cup.

“Cat Grant fired him.” He grinned at the look on my face. “Sarah called her the second you left the room, and bingo bango. Steve was fired while on speaker phone with the entire room and the entire Metropolis office.” He saluted me, laughing. “Cat Grant does like you, Kara. She prefers to fire employees behind closed doors with NDA’s as an appetizer.” He paused. “How’s Lena? No one is saying a word about her, other than Steve.”

“She’s good. Fine.” My phone vibrated, my heart skipping a beat. “I haven’t seen her since we came home.” I cleared my throat. It’d been almost two weeks since we left England. It was my fault, I disappeared into my thoughts and feelings and short circuited. Choosing silence and brooding over talking to her about anything. Anything being the kiss and my feelings for her.

Winn nodded, staring at me. “Did something happen in England?” He asked softly, giving me room to breathe and not feel smothered by the question.

I swallowed hard, looking out the window. “Yep.”

“Good or bad?” Winn kept his tone even.

“I don’t know, Winn.” I looked away from the window. “I don’t know what I’m doing with her. When I’m alone with her, it’s like I’ve been sent back ten years to the first day I ever met her. Then the last ten years come crashing down on me when we talk.” I looked down at my palm, staring at the rough patch of skin where the satellite phone froze to it. “Burying me in the weight and the scars of the stupid shit I did. The stupid shit we did.” I sighed, replaying Lena telling me about Lillian. “We never had a chance.” I chuckled. “We still don’t have a chance. I walk in the office and everyone is whispering about Lena and I. The interoffice affair. Dropping hints that the only reason I have freedom and loose deadlines, is because I’m sleeping with the CEO.” I swallowed the words down before I told Winn about the kiss. And how it made my heart skip every time I thought about it. One silly kiss had consumed me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it for more than a minute.

“And it feels like all of your credibility is being torn apart?” Winn leaned forward.

“It feels like my world is being torn apart.” I ran a finger along the scar on my palm. “It feels like I’m on a sinking ship of my own making, and I forgot a life jacket.” I shrugged. “I’m drowning, Winn. It’s the easiest way to explain it.”

Winn cleared his throat, blinking back tears. “Kara, are you…”

“In therapy? Yes. Just upgraded to three times a week when we landed back in National City.” My phone vibrated again, making me reach for it. “You don’t have to do anything, Winn. Sitting here and listening is more than I can ask from anyone.” I flipped my phone over, there was a text from Alex and Lena. I opened Alex’s first.

_-Pizza later? I want to hear about England and the massive article you’ve clearly been writing this weekend. –_

I replied with a short. - _Pineapple and yes.-_

I moved to Lena’s text as Winn cleared his throat when Teddy popped around the corner, asking about a server upgrade.

_-Lunch sounds perfect tomorrow. I have the day free, so pick the time. No worries, I remember when you’d drift into writing mode. I’ll call you tonight, apparently, I have to meet with HR to vet new accounting candidates for the magazine. I see Steve finally put his foot fully in his mouth.-_

I laughed, replying to Lena with a simple, _tomorrow? My place?_

I looked up at Winn with Teddy. Winn paused, leaning his head back into my office. “You good? I can make Teddy handle this on his own with a few interns.”

I shook my head, laughing at the panic on Teddy’s face. “Go. Save the servers of Catco. I have to some research to get done.” I waved Winn away, turning my computer on and moving to open the Afghanistan file I started the other night. A two piece article on my time I spent in country with the Army unit. I stared at the paragraph I stopped at. I’d stopped right at the part where I was blown up for the first time, my first concussion. I cleared my throat, smoothed out my shirt and started typing where I left off.

* * *

XXXX

**Lena**

“One more week and we can remove the pins. The nanotechnology will finish up the knitting work on your bones.” Claire sat next to me, swiping on the tablet in her hands. “After that, it’ll be another week before you can go back to playing tennis on the weekends.” She winked at me, moving to stand up.

“I never played tennis. No matter how much Lillian felt it was a more lady like sport.” I leaned back in the leather chair I sat in, spinning to look at the large monitor filled with data from the nubis pins. We were on the other side of the city in one of my secret Craidhe Tech labs. “Fencing was for men and idiots.” I rolled my eyes. “Her words, not mine.”

“Is that why you excelled at fencing? Your stocky mannish stature?” Claire chuckled, walking to the large monitor to tap on data graphs. “And how is the dear Lillian these days?”

“Cold. She always complains her cell is cold. Which is fitting for a woman with ice in her veins. I suggested she take up an activity to keep her blood moving.” I lifted my right arm, twisting my wrist slightly to see how the pins would react. They buzzed, but allowed me to fully rotate it with little resistance and pain.

“I can almost picture her teaching other inmates how to read.” Claire raised an eyebrow. “She’s so very nurturing and engaging.”

“She is the epitome of both those words.” I shook my head, setting my arm down on the table scattered with pages from my medical file. “I sent her an extra blanket, and a brochure for the community service programs the prison offers. She mailed it back to me, torn into pieces. So, needless to say, Lillian is still Lillian.”

Claire smirked. “It must chap her ass that you’re the Luthor in charge.” She turned towards me, her eyes turning serious. “It must also burn her to know you’ve reconnected with Kara.”

I closed my eyes, rubbing at the bridge of my nose. “Kara.”

“Oh, I know that tone. The tone of subtle self-defeat. Did things go awry?” Claire walked to the small table filled with a tea and a coffee maker. A necessity in any of my labs.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” I opened my eyes. “I thought I had gotten past one of her walls, and we were moving forward.” I sighed. “I haven’t heard from her since we parted ways at my door. That was almost two weeks ago.”

“You always know what you’re doing. You always know what direction to take, what move to make, Lena. You plot and plan, and make informed decisions. Even if it’s spontaneous, it’s well thought out. Albeit it’s well thought out using your heart and not the cold steel of your inherited last name.” Claire set a cup of tea next to my hand. “What happened? Exactly? I’m one of your very few friends who knows about Kara, you can trust me.”

“You’re the only friend who knows about Kara.” I smiled. “You might be my only friend. My family trying to blow up most of the nation made friendships difficult.” I took a sip of tea. “I told her I still loved her. I gave her the letters, she kissed me and I felt like a silly college student again. Then, we come home, and an iceberg floats between us.” I clutched the warm cup in my hands. “I can’t push her. She’s fragile, as silly as that sounds, Kara is teetering on the edge.” I met Claire’s eyes. “I found her sleeping on the floor one night. She sleeps on the floor when she’s scared. Which is far more often than one would suspect looking at her. Sunshine filled grins and strong shoulders.” I blinked back tears. “Maybe I rushed things in England. Maybe I’m rushing everything.”

“You said she kissed you?” Claire sat on the edge of the lab table.

“She did. Or we kissed each other. It was after she let me read her journals.” I paused. “There are pages in there that hurt more to read, than walking away from her ever did.” I took another sip, wishing it was scotch and not earl grey. “How do I tell her everything?”

“She has the letters, right? Even the ones you asked me to burn after Paris, but I didn’t?”

I nodded. “Including those letters.” My heart skipped when my phone rattled across the metal tabletop. I grabbed it, blushing when I saw Kara’s name. I held up the phone to show Claire.

Claire rolled her eyes, moving back to the monitor and the endless graphs. “You’re thirty five, Lena. Stop acting like the unsure underclassman you used to be, be the strong loving woman you are now. Read her message, and keep fighting. Then get your ass over here and help me with this formula.” Claire waved me off.

I read Kara’s text, feeling the tense apprehension in her words. She was scared, nervous, but trying. I smiled when at her explaining she’d been writing for the last few days. Writing about the last ten years and all the incredible things she accomplished, the things she’d been through. It gave me hope.

As I went to reply, I received an email from Cat, telling me the asshole from accounting was fired for inappropriate gossip in the workplace. I knew the gossip she spoke of. Jess had shared it with me when I walked into my office this morning. It was frustrating, but I knew it couldn’t be avoided. The second Kara played her hand to Cat, and left her job for two weeks to be with me, the gossip would be ripe. A world famous mysterious journalist, flying off to be by the side of the world famous heir to the Luthor empire, would incite plenty of gossip, no matter the circles.

I chuckled, emailing Jess to start pulling candidate files and if she could get me the scoop on what happened in this mornings editorial meeting. I tucked the phone away, moving to stand with Claire at the monitor, desperate to fill my head with scientific data, hoping it would chase out the flutter in the pit of my stomach. I chuckled, reaching to tap on the latest algorithm, who knew the idea of lunch would cause me to be so giddy.

* * *

XXXX

Kara

I chewed on my thumb, watching Alex from the kitchen. She’d been hunched over my laptop for the last half hour, reading my article. I had to turn away a few times when she gasped and wiped away tears. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe the last ten years of my life wasn’t suitable for all audiences. Maybe it was better if I stuck with the puff pieces and writing about people I didn’t care about. I dropped my hand from my mouth, reaching for the last slice of pizza. “It’s a rough draft. I need to cut a few things, and maybe tone down the really specific details.” I picked off a chunk of pineapple, glancing at Alex. “I may not even publish it. I’ll probably dump it in a USB and bury it in the bottom of my sock drawer.” I tossed the chunk in my mouth.

“Kara.” Alex softly spoke, closing the laptop as she looked at me. Her eyes watery. “Why didn’t you tell me? Any of this when it happened?”

I shrugged, shoving half of the slice in my mouth. “Because.” I mumbled around a mouthful before swallowing. “You’d make me come home. You’d make me stop.” I sighed. “That tour in Afghanistan, it was my way of proving to myself I could be strong. It was after I was stabbed, and I couldn’t endure the thought of coming home. Quitting and proving Len…proving people right. Kara Danvers was the goofy kid who was afraid of thunder and smiled no matter what.” I left out having to prove Lillian and all the other Lillian’s in the world I was worth something.

“Kara. You were shot in the leg. You were in a convoy where half of the team barely survived IED’s and an ambush.” She laid a hand on the laptop. “You have a medal of valor for running into a burning mangled mess of steel and saving two soldiers.” She shook her head. “How did you hide that? And why are you keeping it a secret? Any of this?”

I shrugged again, tossing the pizza to the side. My stomach turned at the memories of my first trip to out into a warzone. It was the first of three and probably the most civilized. The other two, well, heroin smugglers aren’t as friendly as insurgents. “Because.” I absently ran my hand down my left thigh, feeling the tiny bump right above my knee on the underside. I frowned, I couldn’t remember where I shoved that stupid medal.

“How many scars do you have?” Alex asked with a shaky tone.

“You know. You have all of my files and Lena’s. That’s pretty much the whole kit and caboodle.” I pushed my glasses up, moving towards the cabinet I kept my good whiskey in.

“Why are you afraid to tell me the truth?” Alex raised her voice. It was her cop voice, the one she used to scare me back in Midvale. “You know I know now.” She tapped the laptop. “This isn’t in any file I can access. I only find little blips, or your articles from the Times.”

I sighed, hand on the cabinet door, staring at the bottle of whiskey. I debated for a moment. Debated if I wanted to tell Alex the truth, if I could tell her the truth, and if I could do it without chugging whiskey like it was water. “I wasn’t at the ceremony. I was in South Vietnam, completely off the grid. When I made it to New York seven months later, it was at the bottom of my mail, underneath an expired Bath and Body works coupon.” I waved a hand around. “Who knows where it could be. I probably threw it out somewhere between Central Park and 5th avenue.” I turned to my sister, clenching my jaw. “The truth hurts. It burns, and when I start to think too much, the waves crash over me. Drowning me in the depths.” I smiled. “I don’t like the truth right now.” I pointed at the laptop. “The only way I can face it, is by writing. Putting words to paper, because paper won’t judge me. Paper won’t ask me a million questions, and force me to look at the last ten years.”

Alex looked at me with watery eyes, and I felt all of the regret from the last ten years. Leaving her, hiding from her, hiding from my family and friends. Hiding the truth because I was so set on a path of destruction with a shattered heart. I walked away from the cabinet, moving to sit on the edge of the coffee table in front of my sister. “I have about twelve scars. Most of them I can hide.” I held out my hand, pointing at the pink patch of skin. “This one hurt more than any of them. They had to basically rip the skin off my hand.” I paused, looking up at my sister. “I’m still me, Alex.”

She grabbed my hand with both of hers. “Publish it.”

“Alex.”

She shook her head, squeezing my hand. “Publish it. Let it out into the world. Let people read your truth. You might find you’re not alone in this, the way you feel. You have me, mom, Kelly, Winn.” She paused. “You have Lena.”

I closed my eyes. Lena. “What if….”

“I don’t deal in what if’s. And fuck anyone who dares to say anything about your story. It’s your story, your stories. I know you, Kara. Writing has always been your way out of the difficult times. I think you need to keep writing. Tell your story and let go.” Alex moved her hands to the side of my face, pressing our foreheads together. “I love you, sis. I hope you know that. Even when it hurts to hear the truth and everything you’ve done. I love you. You’re my family, and I will always stand by your side.”

I blinked back tears. “I know. I love you, too.” I let out a slow breath leaning back. “Stronger together.” I wiped a tear away as it ran freely down my cheek. “We need more pizza.”

Alex laughed, shaking her head, wiping her own tears away. “How about we get ice cream instead. I need to eat a few of my feelings right now.” She stood up. “Then you can tell me more about your vacation in England. You skirted the Lena topic, and haven’t mentioned her in the last few weeks.” Alex walked to the freezer.

“I kissed her. She kissed me? We kissed each other?” I blurted the words out, nervously running my hands over my sweatpants. “Then I went radio silent on her. I shouldn’t be kissing her. I shouldn’t be rushing into my feelings for her.” I motioned to my laptop. “I still have walls, I’m still hiding things.” I turned to look at Alex. She held the giant tub of ice cream, her eyes wide.

“You kissed her?”

I nodded, burying my face in my hands, groaning. “Yes. I was opening up to her, and it felt exactly like it did ten years ago. I felt safe with her. She was listening, hearing me. She didn’t flinch at the bits of pain I threw on the floor between us. My heart took over, and I kissed her.” I rubbed my face, groaning louder. “I like it. I like her. I love her. I want her back.” I dropped my hands away. Alex was standing in front of me, handing me a spoon. I purposely left out telling Alex about the letters Lena wrote. It didn’t feel right sharing Lena’s secret

“But?”

“How did you know there was a but?” I grabbed the spoon, shoving it in the tub of ice cream.

“You only speak in disjointed fragments when you’re hesitating. When you have a but stopping you.” Alex held the tub as I scooped out a fist side lump of cookie dough ice cream.

“I don’t know the but yet. I just keep thinking about standing in that dumb pawn shop in the village, picking out the stupid ring hiding in that stupid dented tin by my bed. I keep thinking about reciting how I was going to ask her to marry me the entire subway ride home. I keep thinking of a future I thought I was going to have.” I stuffed the spoon in my mouth, wincing at the cold. I swallowed a far too large bit, blowing out a slow breath as the brain freeze hit. “Then I keep thinking if the me now, can have that feeling back. The feeling I had laying under the stars in the middle of the desert, wishing. I’m almost forty, I apparently have rough edges.” I pointed at Alex with the spoon. “My outburst in the editorial meeting has given me the reputation of walking sunshine with rays that will burn you.”

“Honestly, I like your rough edges. It gives you character.” Alex chuckled. “I love the goofy kid, who still giggles at cute puppy videos, and wears cartoon underwear under her very fancy tailored slacks. But you are stronger Kara. People won’t dare to take advantage of you. And when you publish your stories, they’ll respect you. They’ll see more than a reputation as the world famous journalist, they’ll see a survivor, a hero, a changemaker. You’ve changed the world with your words and actions. You’ve saved lives. Now it’s time you find what you want.”

“I asked her to lunch, tomorrow. I asked her to come here.” I spooned out another ball of ice cream. “I’m going to let her read the article, and the other ones I wrote.” I paused. “I’ll send you all of them, if you want. I’ve been writing non stop since England. That laptop has thirty one of my stories. The good ones, the bad ones, the really really bad ones, and the ones about my scars.”

Alex looked at me for a moment before speaking. “How about we have a night every week set aside. You come over, I’ll come here. We’ll eat junk food and I’ll read a story. Then, we’ll process together. I know you’re in therapy, but sometimes….”

“Sometimes I just need my sister.” I grinned with teary eyes. “Let’s do Friday night. That way if it gets too late, we can have a sleepover and you can buy me breakfast in the morning.” I winked at Alex, snatching the tub away from her.

“I am not taking you to a buffet.” She slapped my shoulder with her spoon. “But deal. Now, tell me about getting the accounting department fired over gossip you’re banging the boss.”


	14. chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one, it felt right to end it where it does. We're still on that slow burn angst, next chapter it will finally start coming together. Enjoy!

Lena

Huffing as I rushed out of my car, I checked my watch. I was five minutes late to my lunch with Kara. The removal of my pins took longer than expected. Some were resistant to coming out, and Claire had to give me a few stitches after digging too deep for the wayward ones. We’d also flushed half of the nanotechnology out of my system to see how smaller doses of the nanobots would fair. I wanted to make my technology affordable, and a hundred million nanobot injection wouldn’t be covered by all insurance companies.

Tugging on the black sling, I tried calming my heart as the elevator moved a touch too slow. I hated being late. I was always on time, or at least fifteen minutes early. I didn’t want to be later for Kara. I was excited, nervous, and ready to share a few more of my secrets. Maybe even kiss her before the sun set. I grinned in the empty elevator, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to ask her to dinner, lunch, breakfast. The joy of having her in my life ten years ago, was rushing back with every floor ticking by.

I wanted the life Lillian denied me.

I took a deep breath, rounding the corner to Kara’s loft. Fighting another grin when I knocked on the door, hearing her voice for the first time in weeks. “Calm down, Lena. Baby steps. Miniscule steps.”

The door flung open, Kara bit back a grin as she looked down at her feet. “Hi.” I caught the edges of her red cheeks and my heart fluttered with bolts of hope.

“Hi.” I held up a pink bag. “I brought dessert.”

Kara’s eyes latched on the bright cartoon logo of a dancing cupcake. “Cupcakes?” Her eyes lit up as she met mine.

“Two dozen. I wasn’t sure what you’d like, so I got each of the day’s specials.”

Kara took the bag, peering in. “I hope there’s a cannoli explosion in here.” She stepped back, letting me step in as I cocked an eyebrow. She shrugged. “Winn. He got me a welcome home half dozen when I started at Catco. Cuppy Cakes has become a small obsession. I usually end up there twice a week after a hard day at work.” Her smile faltered as she closed the door behind me. “Um, the morning meeting ran late. I wanted to make a real meal, but I hope sandwiches from Al’s works. There’s a turkey Mediterranean special with extra veggies and an Italian supreme, with extra veggies. I wasn’t sure what you’d like, just knew you loved veggies. I told Al to go easy on the dressing and mayo.” Kara paused, clutching the pink bag as she stopped her ramble.

“Al’s is the best around. My assistant often gets me the turkey Mediterranean when I forget lunch is a priority in a day.” I stood in the middle of her loft, right between her kitchen island and the small dining table, looking around. The loft was coming to life. A far cry from the stacks of boxes and take out containers filling the garbage can. Kara had hung photographs on the walls, the same ones I had hanging in my home office. Her bookshelves were filled to the brim with her collection of favorites. Some of them I knew very well from days past in New York. There were warm blankets everywhere, and each one showed signs of use. “You finally unpacked?”

Kara nodded, setting down the pink bag before digging in the large brown paper bag set on her counter. “Yeah, last weekend. Alex came over and forced me to embrace having a permanent home. We unpacked, but there’s a few more boxes in my bedroom.” She looked around. “I didn’t realize how much junk I had until I started putting things away. I’m so used to everything fitting into a duffel or a backpack.” Her eyes fell to the sling around my right arm. “Are you, okay?” She rushed around the island, shaking her head. “I can’t believe my manners. Here, sit.” She grabbed a chair at the table, nervously waving her hand. “You can sit here, or on the couch, my bed, or on the floor. Wherever is comfortable.” She adjusted her glasses, clenching her jaw.

I laid a hand on her forearm. “Kara, it’s just lunch. I’m wearing jeans and a very old flannel. I’m just me, not CEO Lena.”

She swallowed hard, nodding. “It’s just lunch, but it’s also just you.” She cleared her throat, mobbing back to her enchiladas. “How’s your arm?”

I ignored the chair, moving to sit on the arm of her couch. “It’s good. Claire removed the pins this morning and we did a system flush. The sling is just a precaution so I don’t forget, and start swinging a tennis racket too soon.” I smiled, looking down at my hand. There was a weird tension in the air, whether it was nerves, fear, or something else, it was there and it was weighing the room down.

“Lillian always wanted you to play tennis.” Kara reached up to grab plates from a cabinet. Her shirt went with her, revealing a thin pink line right above her left hip. I swallowed hard, unfamiliar with that particular scar. “We donated the tennis balls she gave you for your birthday to the dog rescue.”

“We did. It think it was the first time Lillian ever made a living thing truly happy.” I smiled as Kara chuckled. “I also remember you trying to kidnap one of the dogs. Smuggling him out under your sweatshirt.”

She opened her mouth in mock shock. “I was not! I just didn’t have the patience to fill out the adoption application.” She set the plates down. “I still want a dog.” Her smile fell and I saw her slip into her thoughts.

“You can have one. You can have anything you want.” I knew there was a hidden undertone in my voice and words. I couldn’t push, but I could show Kara I was here.

She looked at me, her blue eyes swimming with emotions. “I know.” She let out a slow breath, holding two plates. “Turkey or Italian?”

“Turkey if you don’t mind.” I grinned.

Kara nodded. “Would you like to sit at the table or?” She sighed. “I’m really nervous, Lena.” She furrowed her brow. “It’s been a weird few weeks.”

“The table may be more comfortable.” I stood, shifting my arm. “The accounting team starts this week. I believe signing NDA’s scared them off any idea of workplace gossip. I should apologize, Steve should’ve been let go when I signed onto Catco.” I cleared my throat. “If you want to talk, I’m here.”

Kara held my chair, holding it as I sat and set my arm on the table top. She slid the plate with the biggest Turkey sandwich in front of me. “I do, and I don’t. I feel like all I’ve done has talked since I came back from England. Talking to my therapist, Winn, Alex.” She sat next to me, picking off the extra veggies off her own giant sandwich. “I let Alex read my latest article. That opened a lot of doors to a lot of stories I’ve left in the dark.” She waved over her shoulder to her desk hwere her laptop sat. “I want you to read it too, Lena. I’m not sure if it’s going to make it into the magazine, but I want you to read it. It makes it easier to talk about things if I don’t have to talk about it directly.”

“Okay.” I didn’t know what to say. I was taken aback by the fact there was more to the last ten years than I knew. And I knew a lot about the things Kara had been through. I stared at her picking at bits of kale, frowning like she always did when anything green and healthy came across her plate. She was tense, nervous, and she was trying her best. “I can read it later, I don’t want to hold up your day.”

She glanced at me, a small smile on her face. “I’m working from home for the rest of the day. I submitted my article on National City’s expanding role in renewable energy resources. I didn’t ask you to lunch to eat and run.”

I smiled back, tipping my head down as my stomach dropped. “Kara, what happened in England. I hope, I hope I didn’t push you too hard.” I plucked at my sandwich, my hunger waning with every moment. “I feel as if I’ve let you do all the talking. I’ve sat and listened, but I haven’t opened the floor for you to ask me questions. I know I need to earn your forgiveness, show you I want to this. I want to start over, and find whatever we might be now. Friends, coworkers, more.” I paused. “I don’t regret kissing you. It’s all I’ve ever thought about for the last ten years, and the only thing I’ve thought about since that night.” I shifted, looking at her. “You’re my everything. Then and now, Kara. I have ten years to atone for, and I want to start now.” I blinked back tears, my body trembling with fear. I had to do this, I had to lay it all out and ask for what I wanted. Kara.

Kara looked away, focusing on her plate. “I want that too, Lena. But I can’t go back.” She let out a slow breath, debating. “I’m not who I was. My body is scarred. Fourteen different scars. I’ve seen the worst of humanity and its left me jaded. But I’ve also seen the best out of people, and when I look at you, I see the best woman I’ve ever met.” She pushed the plate away, looking over her shoulder at her desk. “I read some of your letters. It’s what inspired me to start writing. I can’t hold onto the pain anymore. It’s hard. Reading your words, the regret and the love. Because I circle back to why you didn’t come for me that night. I know the why now, but there’s doubt if you couldn’t love me then, can you love me now?” Kara’s voice wavered.

Her words shattered my heart. I saw the pain in her eyes, as she blinked back her own tears. “Forever.” I rasped the words out. “I will love you forever, Kara. I loved you then, and I only love you more now.” I reached for her hand with my right, wincing as the movement felt stiff, grabbing her fingers. “I didn’t cry a single tear when Lex died. I felt relief when I testified against Lillian and watched her being sentenced with a smile on my face. I never cried harder than when I walked away from you. I couldn’t breathe if I didn’t see you, and my heart stopped beating each time I heard you were hurt. Even sitting here, next to you over massive sandwiches, it’s the closet to home I’ve felt in a decade. You’re my everything, and I wished I’d realized that a long time ago. You were the strength I needed to fight Lillian when she threw threats of ruining you and Alex at my feet. You were the love I searched for since I was four and thrust into the monarchy of evil that was the Luthor name. You are the love of my life, Kara. I knew it the moment I locked eyes with you as you apologized for throwing books in my face.” I pulled her hand, winding her fingers in mine. “Forever. And forever may not be long enough for how much I love you.”

Kara closed her eyes, tears rolling down her cheeks as she squeezed my hand. “Lena.” She wiped her cheeks before opening her eyes, a small smile on her face. “Are you sure you’re not a writer, instead of an incredible world saving genius?”

I grinned, leaning over to kiss the corner of her mouth. “I mean it, Kara. Every single word.” I let go of her hand, standing up. “I take it you didn’t read all of my letters. There’s a few in there that are less than poetic, and more mid twenty angsty, bordering on Alanis Morissette super angst.” I walked towards her desk where my overstuffed journal sat. “To be honest, those ones were written under the influence of the best scotch in the world.”

“Grab my laptop, too. You can read about my trip to Afghanistan and how I became one of a handful of citizens to earn a medal of valor.” Kara chuckled as she took a bite of her sandwich.

Her words caught me by surprise, and I turned, swinging my right arm a little too wide, and knocked over the worn tea tin sitting on the corner of her desk. The tin tumbled to the floor as I looked at Kara, shocked. “A medal of valor?” Kara’s smile dropped as the tin hit the floor, clunking to the floor with a metallic ting, spilling it contents like a broken candy jar. I sighed. “Shit, sorry. My arm doesn’t move quite like I want it to.” I set my journal back down, kneeling to clean up the small mess. “The nerves haven’t settled down, still relying on the bots to tell it what to do.” I smiled at the trinkets scattered on the floor. Kara always had a habit of keeping odd little mementos. Matchbooks, random coins from around the world, keychains. I scooped up a few, reaching for a wax papered covered lump.

“Lena. I got that.” I heard her chair scrape across the floor in a hurry.

“It’s fine. I don’t think anything is broken.” I picked up the lump, and stopped at the sight of a square cut emerald. I moved the paper, revealing an engagement ring with a bright emerald shining brightly around the tarnished sliver band. The ring was older, showing the signs of hiding in wax paper and a bent tin.

My heart suddenly stopped.

This was the exact ring I described to Kara more than once when I talked about how much I loved emeralds, the meaning the stone held, and how it had to come from my one true love. The green reminded me of home, my real home, and I wanted nothing more than a nontraditional ring with an emerald, if ever the day came someone dare to marry me. “Kara.” I stood up slowly, turning to face her. 

She shook her head, her cheeks red with embarrassment, gently pulling the ring free from my fingers. “Don’t.” Her eyes were dark, with anger or sadness, I couldn’t discern. She curled the ring up in her palm, looking away from me. “I think…you should go.” Her jaw twitched as she bent down to pick up the tin. “I forgot, I have a late meeting with James. Photography suggestions for my last article.” She pushed up her glasses.

I reached for her. “Kara.” My heart finally kicked to life. The reality of what I’d walked away from, crashing down like a collapsing building, smothering me. I’d really fucked up. “Please. Talk to me.”

She shook her head, shoving the ring in the bottom of the tin, tossing old matchbooks over it. “You should go.” She slammed the top on, grabbing the tin. She walked to the door, opening it. She wouldn’t look at me, even as I saw her hands tremble.

She was shutting down, the walls came back up. She had the same look on her face the night of the gala. I nodded, fighting my own tears. “I understand.” I glanced at my journal, before walking towards Kara standing at her open door. I wanted to tear the pages out, throw them at her feet, screaming my love for her. I wanted to run to my apartment, grab the ring I carried for years and tell her. I wanted to marry her after our second date. I wanted to tell her the last time I saw Lillian, I showed her the ring she thought she threw out, and told her that no matter what, Kara would be the one I married. Even if it took me the rest of my life to get her back. But when I looked at Kara, all of the courage drifted away with every breath. She wouldn’t hear me in this moment. She only heard the painful memories of the past, letting them consume her.

She wouldn’t look at me, her head was down, her jaw twitching with emotion. I didn’t know what this meant. If my fumbling arm had torn apart the fragile bridge we were building, and this was all lost. I looked at her, catching the edges of fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. It was now or never, what else did I have to lose. “I would’ve said yes, Kara.” I turned and walked away from her, hearing the door click shut followed by a muffled broken sob.


End file.
